Family Is Not an F Word

for me

anymore

tomorrow's not a dream

here i am

tonight all by myself

in this moment

thinking of you until it hurts

thinking of us until i break

into tiny, stupid, little, pieces

all alone with what's shattered

a million times over

by myself

       with what I've done

it's f*****g pain every breath

as this, idiot,

and tonight, nah,

it will be. . . not different

　

for you see, my dear,

               for you see. . .

in my life now, what's now a nightmare

in our world here, what's now a memory

is a place

where everything good now is gone

making 'a place' just for me - 

a place that's f*****g hopeless -

where it's every last time always too late

to find a productive way back

to you

just for us

to fix what i broke

of us

just for you

　for a family

in this place

    polluted with hate

it's too late

in this place

un-f*****g-familiar

a space not a home

hopelessly stuck

   sans all our family

where there's never a chance

at least not for us

not for that

to be more than just. . .

a long dead and long gone

   fantasy f****n' memory

in a place 

where the only thing left

is a world, but not a home

. . . and it's all of it,

every last part of it

my own f****n' fault

     (every time)

in the end. . .  for you see

. . . . . . . . .  i'm just not strong enough

to keep my heart open

        to let it all in. . .

so I shut it all out

so I stay in the dark

(like an idiot stupid dumb a*s)

I shoulda died in the desert a god damned decade ago

      . . . someone can you can kill me? (sung in a Barbara Streisand voice)

Author's Note

"let beauty come out of ashes..."