Seeds of Contemplation

"... he was born on third base thinking he hit a triple." Yogi Berra

fields of seeds

of contemplation

culminates

the fall of man

mr precariously

regenerated

field by field

seed by seed

fleshy arks

everyone of us

mini me's and you's

fields of us all of us

born on third base

thinking too much

like we hit a triple

unaware of what we are

all of us the sum of us

f*****g not enough

cold

and still

betraying the gene pool

eaten by dirt and greed

prosperous

under the fields of the dead

playing ball underground

in a field of your dreams

trapped in a pyramid

ancient and,

dead....

so good luck with that

i won't play like that

survival is not certain

but i certainly am

at the moment

surviving

Reviews

[Kathrin S]

I agree that this is a really good one. Loved the way you used the image of the field throughout - that kind of continuity is what makes it cohesive. Also, you began and ended with the idea of survival/death ('the fall of man' and 'surviving'), which I thought worked well.

My notes/suggestions:
- "fields of seeds of contemplation culminates" - shouldnt' it be 'culminate'?
- I'd put a space between 'everyone': "every one of us" Everyone and every one have slightly different meanings.
- As I said, the image of the field works well throughout - I wonder why you suddenly added pyramids at the end? To me, sticking with one main image works best in such a short poem.

[Davidgeo]

Thanks.

Culminate vs culminates? It's a tricky one but if I were to write that thought into a normal sentence 'fields of seeds of contemplation culminates the fall of man'.... the fall of man is not a single event to me, it is a serious of many events. Plural... the result of many fields culminating.

You're right, every one and everyone does have a different meaning. Assume I did that on purpose. (everyone = everybody, every_one = each person, I am referencing an entire group - mankind, not a single individual - a human) Assume that with your pyramid comment as well.... it fits my idea quite well I think, you may just not see how. I'm not going to remove an important part like that simply because it is non obvious.

In general, I think it's kind of silly to ask for the specific meaning from someone's personal abstract poetry... if you get it you get it if you don't you don't, it's poetry - you make up your own meaning completely separate from the author's intent. In fact I think that's the point, if poetry was meant to be understood uniformly and obviously it would be called straight prose wouldn't it? I prefer making your own meaning or making a hybrid type of understanding. This poem could really be about watching dog sled races and breakdancing to 1980's gangster rape.... it shouldn't matter to the reader what the author's true intent was.

[Davidgeo]

I meant rap... not rape. That was kind of an unsavory typo.

[Kathrin S]

Ohh yes - I hadn't even seen it.
You're correct about the 'culminates' - I didn't think about it relating to the next part, but that makes sense. Still, it's good to think of these things.

By all means, don't remove it/ change it if you don't agree. I'm just pointing out how I felt while reading - poetry is very subjective so it's different for everyone.

If you have any time, I uploaded a 100-word story today that I'm looking for feedback on. If you don't it's no problem, I'm just letting you know :)

[Davidgeo]

You review well. I have no problems with your critique. They are legit observations I think. I'm not a very straight forward writer, I confuse myself at times. The essence of your insight is worthwhile. Eventually you will catch me saying something silly or outright non sensical ... just not today or not yet today.

[Davidgeo]

Yeah, I'll read your thing. Don't feel slighted if I don't review though. Sometimes I just have nothing to say, pretending otherwise is disingenuous I think.

[1VJ]

Very inviting and the flow is engaging. Survival, indeed.

"the sum of us
f*****g not enough" Ain't that a shame but wonderfully spoken.

[Davidgeo]

Inviting is not something my writing is described as very often.

[1VJ]

There's a first time for everything as they say.

[Davidgeo]

So I've heard.

[aLittlePain]

Woah...what's going on here? this is a whole different feel. I like it a lot. R x

[Davidgeo]

I write like this sometimes. It goes back a ways for me. I'm a big fan of word economy and short halting lines. It's hard to do it well, though; and that's why I don't write like this more often.