Prime Mortgaged

i mortgaged my prime to a ghost

my memory and it's stupid whispered apparition

-like qualities

self indulgent slide shows

projections of pale pictures, whispered feeling, distorted by the lens of expectation

seeing nothing less than expected and feeling even less than anticipated

nothing entirely unexpected; i am a boring man 

though one day

something internal occured

my thoughts in any moment began to sicken me;

as insane repetitions

I saw exaggerations, understatements...

distortions; mental gymnastics

wishful thinking

strung together

manufactured

remembered

forgotten

remembered

confusion

distortion

one after another, it could drive you mad

it drove me someplace - everyday

until one day I stopped trying to make sense

at all

burned all expectation to the f*****g ground

questioned the most basic understanding

dissolved my purpose

ripped myself to f*****g pieces

bled for days and days

i know i died, so many times

shortly after the last one, with the last of me in pieces

smoldering on the floor, naked and alone 

i laughed and i laughed and laughed

I was finally allowed, f*****g finally, allowed to give in

released... I know

because I could breath again

because it finally made sense

again, reminding me of baby pictures

in that end I saw beginnings... a release

I expected to die without pride

but the loss of shame can make you weightless

and I am too strong to simply, die

so I rose

and what i became was what i always was

i just couldn't see it

not at speed

until that day occurred

internally

until...

all my reality

became not a ghost from the past

nor an ambition for a future

but the ignorance of a moment

confused of my beginings

terrified of my ends

knowing now, i'm already here...

there is nothing left to fear

I then became the ghost who knew he was dead

I awoke

then my head cleared i knew i was there

again, i could see in the moment

without lenses.... for the first time

that I could remember

since, i've never lived more

i've never cared less

i've never had more

I've never slept better

.

i welcome death to stay alive; i welcome chaos to show the moment

.

you cannot know what you are made of until you burn what has become of you

Heisenberg would agree with me.... some things can never be certain together.

one must end to finally see the other, there is no compromise.... and there never was.

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

but the loss of shame can make you weightless.

We are the progeny of our choices.

I'm having difficulty staying serious because as I type this I'm thinking of the song "Burnin' Up" by Madonna specifically the line "I'm not the same, I have no shame" and the line from Outer limits "we control the horizontal. We control the vertical."

There is no compromise and there never was. Some go through a lifetime and never figure this out.

[Davidgeo]

Why so serious? Is something I ask myself all the time.

[Adam]

My favorite line is

"I expected to die without pride"

It is the one to me that really shows the journey this writer is on.

[r. f. jordan]

Dear HansJizzy, this is my favorite poem of yours i've read thus far. not to pull anything away from your previous work. i'm immediately intrigued by the introduction to the one heisenberg that is most prominent to me, that being the quantum mechanics theorist known as werner. i'm assuming that's the heisenberg you write of in this poem, but cannot be certain. regardless of which heisenberg you speak of in this piece, the piece stands brilliant on its own. this appears to be the summoning of an unforeseen phoenix within the journey of one traveler who, once, thought himself wounded only to be eclipsed by this new self that has been conjured from within the end to the turmoil of the old self. this conjuring, in its infancy, fully justifies the dissolution of the former self, and stands emerged as a truer self. there is a definitive rhythm to the realization of this poem's speaker. that rhythm is almost palpable in its mechanics. this is excellent, lofty, and risen realization. i am awestruck by its movement as much as i am by its content. some seventeen lines before its conclusion i see you spelled beginnings with two gs. either you meant to do it for reasons i don't understand, or it is one error in an otherwise soaring representation about the emergence of a new experiential perspective that pain can bring to the true poet. well done, good man. please keep your poetry coming onto this site. it is not fluff when i type that you are an ambitious spirit to read. by the way it saddens me that you'd have sixty six views of this poem prior to my arrival upon it, and no other reviews. such a gap in exposure to response is puzzling to me on a poem such is this...much love---rfj

[Davidgeo]

Beginnings, no, it was a typo. I thank you for that.

You must be aware that I am considered to be the plague here. I f**k with emotions, I ruin expectations... I challenge goodness in the sense of incest. I'm surprised anyone reads me at all. I am cancer... a hate that replicates. (do I believe anything I just said?) not tomorrow.

[Davidgeo]

And of course... the uncertainty of our principles. Mr Heisenberg, he's more than a meth dealer... he's a pillar of our understanding of the raw.