Before You Leave

A former couple meets again after several of years have passed

My first impulse was not to show up, but I'm not telling him that. We walk side by side, surrounded by all kinds of light sources, and it illuminates our way. My eyes are constantly on his face, he gazes so earnestly somewhere into the darkness. He makes a comment and I do not say anything, I think he immediately notices, when I'm anywhere but present. An we keep on going and going, until he stops in front of one of those fancy restaurants.

And on the inside, life is raging, I pick up on some chatter, nobody is sitting alone. In the gloomy dimness of this light, the people look like strange shadow creatures, their silhouettes bend over their plates, and while eating and talking they spit the remnants into each others faces. And I look into his face, he reads focused in the menu, and his lips are moving while he does that. I always thought of you as a renegade, and maybe I liked you just because of that. For a moment he stands in front of me, the shard of glass between our fingers, tearing our skin, and it is only a matter of patience, that he eventually wins.

A plate of cheese tortellini is suddenly in front of me, and some time must have been passed. We only talk about the usual, we do not say anything significant, and it feels like we do not know each other, like we never knew us at all.

"And since when you are back?"

"Recently."

"You just couldn't resist the desire to come back here again and to annoy me with all your bullshit again, could you?", and I'm not sure why he says this now, after all, it was mainly him who desperately tried to make contact again.

"Why do you always have to ruin everything with your stupid comments!"

"What did I ruin?"

"It's just that we have a normal conversation, and then you decide to say something that would be hurtful."

"But I didn't mean this in a hurtful way, I'm just trying to tease you a bit, come on!", he says, and he says it way too loud, and some people turn their heads in our direction, I just lost my appetite.

He lowers his head a bit and talks into his palms.

"I'm sorry... I mean for everything.", he says, then he takes my hand, and the immediate body contact irritates me for a second.

"No.", I say. "You don't have to be sorry about anything, it's been such a long time ago, you know."

"I don't want you to be unhappy."

"I know that.", I say, my voice suddenly sounds like its drenched in tears and I touch him on his cheek, and it almost feels like it used to feel, back in the days.

"But you just have to believe me, that I'm sorry and everything."

I look at him and I nod slowly, he smiles, he is relieved, as if I could be the one to give him absolution. I turn my head and see an elderly couple, they both wear the same muted colors, and they hardly talk to each other, they only stare in a completely formless afterworld, which can never be similar to our world.

"You hear me?", his voice suddenly appears, he has leaned over the table.

"Yes.", I say, and then he seems quite hesitant, as  if he is not sure of the next words.

"Well, you know... I was pretty much fucked up back then."

"Yeah, I know."

"But I really regret it, and I feel like it's important that you know that I regret it.

"And does that mean that you also want me to regret it?"

He pulls his head back and says: "No, of course not... you know what, just forget it forget what I just said."

... after the anesthesia they push a metal stick inside you, stretch and tug on you, until you ready for this big sucker thing...

"And have you already thought about what you want to do now, I mean now that you're back."

"What are you talking about, I'm not back or anything like that.", I say, without looking up.

"I thought you said that."

"I never said that I'm back."

"But you are here."

"Only for a couple of days, over the weekend, and my flight back goes on monday."

"Oh.", he says after a short pause and puts his chin on both hands and I lean back and say: "That's not so easy, you know, after all, I took a vow of silence."

"And that is so great up there, living with the monks, or not?"

"I don't really live with the monks, we are separated by sex, I live with the nuns."

"And you never want to come back?"

"I just want to finish that."

"And how long will that take?"

I do not answer that and he shoves the plate away, and I see him at the airport waiting for me, even though the plane was nearly three hours late, and I knew that he hated to wait so long, I did not even expect him to be there, but then he was there at the terminal and he was in such a good mood, and he told me that he really did not mind the waiting, and usually he did not have such a good mood, especially not after he had waited three hours.

"I'll be right back.", I say and get up. A staircase leads down to the toilets, on the walls hang black and white photographs, in one picture a bright-haired girl plays with a big hunting dog, she is wearing a pretty dress and her thin braids are fluttering in the wind. At the hand of my mother I enter the practice. In the middle of the room is a pink colored examination chair, with two holders on each side, I should put my legs in them, my palms are cold and sweaty.

I stand in front of the mirror and I take a deep look inside. If one looks close enough the face starts to deform itself, as if in the worst nightmare-nights all pores burst and with this constant devil's chatter fresh blood runs all over my mouth and chin, and in a conspirational whisper we lie to one another and swear all those things, that everything will be better some day, a long-overdue promise that the both of us could not redeem. I turn on the faucet and let the cold water run into my hands. I lean forward just a bit and I slightly start to grin at my reflection in the mirror.

"I'm not back.", I murmur. "I will never be back."

And then the door opens and closes again, and he is standing very close behind me, and I feel the tip of his nose in my hair, I turn around slowly and grab him by the neck and squeeze it roughly, and hit his head against the tiled wall.

"What the hell is wrong with you!", he yells at me and disappears again. I quickly wash my face and run up the stairs. He is standing somewhat lost in the smoking area.

"Let's get out of here.", I say, grabbing him by the sleeve. He shakes off my grip and says: "Everything okay? You look kind of pale."

"I just want to get the f**k out of here.", I say, folding my arms across my chest.

"We'll go soon after I've finished smoking."

My first impulse was not to show up, and we walk through the darkness, talking about all kinds of stuff, and laughing about the past, and about this and that, fashion sins and our favorite TV Show as kids, all the houses are adorned with the most beautiful and colorful light arrangements.

"And when does your plane leave tomorrow?", he asks, looking at the tip of his shoes.

"Nine.", I say, staring at the lights.

"I can bring you to the airport."

"That's not necessary."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

We reach the bus stop.

"How long does the bus drives to the hotel?", he asks.

"About 15 minutes.", I say.

He hesitates for a moment, then he approaches me and takes my face in his hands. "Will you at least think about it, staying, I mean."

I breathe cold air out of my nostrils, the small cloud dissolves between us.

"I will.", I say and lean against the pole from the stop sign.

"Really!", he says and his eyes brighten up. "That would be so great, I mean there are plenty of vacant apartments in my area and my friend Smitty is always looking for temporary help at the office, I mean, that would be, of course, only temporary, just until you settled back in and stuff."

"I'll think about it."

"We can start all over again, I mean for real this time, I think I'm ready now.", and his grip is holding onto me tightly and he shakes me a bit while speaking.

"I don't want to talk about this right now.", I say and take his hands off me.

"But I want to talk about it now! And I don't want you to go back to this damn mountain again."

"But I have to go back."

"You f*****g have to get over yourself eventually."

"I will... but not here... and not with you... have a good life."

His lips are whispering "No.", and he slightly shakes his head, I want to pull him towards me, hugging him goodbye, but then I see the bus from afar. He steps back, I wave at him and get in. The bus is completely empty, only an elderly lady with a red woolen hat is sitting in the back and crochet the matching scarf to the hat. I sit down, then it knocks against the window glass, I look up and see him, we look at each other, then suddenly he has a gun in his hand, he holds the barrel against his chin and the bus drives off.