Chapter Eighteen

 

Leaning over a rich mahogany desk was an older man with half-moon eyeglasses and graying hair.  His name was Doctor Eugene Mathews.  God, what it must have been like to grow up with a first name like that.  He was saying something,   “Sara, my dear, why do you keep referring to yourself in third person.”

“Because that girl died.”  She looked up at him with empty eyes.

“And if she died, why are you here with me, at the hospital?”

“I’m here because I scared my best friend and my…  Jared.  I slit my wrists because I was tired of the s**t people were putting me through.  People should really be someone because it was only Josh, but still.  I’m here, at Middle Valley because this is a psychiatric hospital and obviously, I admitted myself after talking to them.  I’m suicidal, well, I was.”

“You aren’t anymore?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because Melanie and Jared have taught me that there is something worth living for.  I was foolish enough to forget that.  And you people are keeping me drugged to the max.”  She crossed her arms.  “Look, all I want is to go home.  I miss the only two people I have.  I’m recovered.  I’ll even come back every week for a psychiatric evaluation or whatever you guys call it these days.”

“You seem to have been through this before?”  He looked at her, eyebrows raised.

“I have.”

“I see.  Well, you’ve been here for a while.  It would seem you’re pretty confident that you can get on with daily life as it was without self-mutilation…”

“I swear…  Jared and Melanie will make sure I don’t do anything stupid.”

“Last time this happened you gave consent to coming in and seeing a psychiatrist.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Well, that’s the only way I’m signing these papers Ms. Kinnison.”

Sara let out a small sigh.  “Fine, I’ll come back to be evaluated every two weeks.”

“Every week.”

“Fine, just let me leave, please?”  She could deal with that.  She didn’t necessarily want to, but she could.

The good doctor signed her release papers after studying her gaze and assuring himself that she wasn’t going to come back to bite him in the a*s.

Back to square one.  Sara walked outside to meet Melanie and Jared in the courtyard.  While putting her belongings in the car, she had a moment of insight.  She would be back here, making the same old mistakes, over and over.  She sighed, looked up at the hospital, got in the car, and the three of them drove off, smiling.  The only problem was Sara’s was an empty smile.  She thought to take up writing:

My hands are shaking,

Voice is trembling.

It’s like a drug.

And I’m addicted.

All I know is the rush.

A cold, numb rush to soothe my soul.

 

That was good, she should write that down.  Maybe, eventually, she would.  Maybe not, hey, she had it under control, it wasn’t life threatening.  Then again, maybe she didn’t, maybe it was.