Chapter Ten

 

On the way to Jared’s house, which wasn’t but a five-minute drive from the club, Sara couldn’t say thank you enough.  When they pulled in, it was just how she’d remembered it.  Now, Sara had only been to Jared’s home on two occasions, both occurred while they were dating.  The house was mid-sized, on seven acres of wooded privacy.  It had two floors, the bedrooms and master bath are on the top floor, everything else is on the bottom, and he’d converted the basement into a room where people could just go to chill out after a long day.

“Jared…” they’d gotten into the house and were in the foyer before she knew it, “thank you.”  Looking up at him, she let how thankful she was show through her features.

“Stop, really.  You’re always welcome here, hon.  You know that, or you should.  So just stop being thankful and stop acting as though you’re a huge burden because you’re not, and never will be.”

Sara nodded and looked to Mel for support.  “Hon, do you have clothes to change into, or what?  I definitely don’t, and I don’t think we should be sleeping in Jared’s bed naked.”  She didn’t like the thought of sleeping in Jared’s bed period, let alone naked, but he wouldn’t settle for them to share the couch and him sleeping in the bed nice and comfy.

“I don’t care what you two sleep in, but there are some shirts that should be long enough to cover you in the third drawer in the bureau.  Well, Sara knows where it is, she can show you Melanie, I’ve got some things to do before I’m settled at all.  So if I’m out here making too much noise or what-have-you, just yell at me to shut up or something… and I’ll quiet down.”  He smiled, and part of the little kid in him shone through.  Sara sighed, she’d always cherished that smile while it lasted, and it never lasted very long.  Something about the way he looked at her as she sent Mel off toward the bedroom said he wanted to talk to her after Mel was settled and safely off to dream world.  She stared into his eyes, looking for something more, but nothing was there, just the sparkle of his thoughts in those vibrant green orbs.

“Sara, are you coming?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I’ll be right there.”  Sara started toward the hall, last door on the right, as she’d told Mel.  Just before she reached the hall, she glanced back at Jared.  He was still looking at her.  Watching her even, she flashed him a quick, meaningful smile, and headed off down the hall toward Melanie.  I’m so lucky he still cares, even after I was so crazy with everything.  Looking toward Mel, Sara saw that she’d found the bedroom and snuck inside it and Sara quickened her pace to catch up.  I’m so damn paranoid.  S**t.  Turning the corner to the room, she saw Mel, halfway into bed already and smirked.  “Don’t you move fast, did you already change your clothes too?”

“Hah, right.  Sure I did, don’t I always?”  The mischievousness glittered in her eyes like twilight on surface water.  Sara just looked at her and shook her head and slid under the covers, scooting her body in as close to Mel as possible.  She got the point and wrapped her arm over her friend’s belly and tucked her chin into the curve of Sara’s neck.  She wasn’t in the mood to be messing around, besides this wasn’t her bed.  She was in the mood to be held.  That’s all she wanted, was to be held, to be comforted, just to be cared for.  All and all, Sara just wanted to be loved.  Sara let out a breath that she wasn’t aware she’d been holding.  Mel’s free hand rubbed small circles over her back to be comforting, but it wasn’t working all that much.  She figured Mel would fall asleep before she’d be calm again, no worries though, she needed her sleep.  Then again, who didn’t?  Tracing her fingers over Melanie’s draped arm, she let her know she was thankful for being there and Mel laid a chaste kiss on her neck to let her know it was greatly offered.  Soon enough, as Sara had expected, Mel was fast asleep, her arm still draped over her body.

Sara hadn’t heard anything from Jared during the entire time she’d been laying there.  How long have I been laying here?  Glancing at the clock on the nightstand she found it to be close to 9:00, time had been running fast, it must have been the excitement from tonight.  Carefully slipping out of the bed, Sara went to find Jared and see what he was up to because he wasn’t making as much noise as he’d promised.  She found him on the couch listening to music and staring into space.  She tiptoed out to him, “Thought you had something important to do, hm?”  He jumped, and she giggled, but only a little.

“Oh, yeah, I decided it wasn’t that important.  Damn, what time is it?”

“It’s only around nine, hot date?”  She tried to smile, but couldn’t manage a convincing one.  It didn’t reach her eyes.

“What’s wrong?”  Jared had stood up to stretch and Sara flicked her eyes to study something on the floor that wasn’t there.

“Nothing.  Just peachy.”

“Don’t lie to me or try to be coy.  It does no good for anyone, especially you.  You’re not good at it.  I can tell there’s something up, just tell me Sara.”  He went to touch her shoulder, in a comforting manner, and she flinched away.

“I said I’m fine…”  She sat on the far end of the couch and hugged her knees to her chest.  “I promise.  I’m fine.”

“You’re far from fine, you’re never this jumpy.  What’s this Josh person doing to make you so paranoid, huh?”  He scooted toward her.  “Either it’s him, or there’s something else going on that no one knows about.  I highly doubt that though, considering you tell Melanie everything and the only thing she knows is about Josh being an a*s.”

Sara grew silent.

“Talk to me, that’s what I’m here for.”  He lightly lifted her chin with his index and middle fingers and looked into her eyes.  They had turned black as night with a glitter of tears in them, like stars in a midnight sky. 

Sara looked up into his eyes, searching for some fault in him, something that made him less… pure.  That’s what he was being, so pure, as if he hadn’t a care in the world except to keep her happy.  “I can’t…  I just can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

She flung herself onto him, nearly knocking him over.  “I can’t lose Melanie.  I know she’s just a friend, but I can’t lose her.  If I did, I’d be devastated, there’s no telling what I’d do, or who I’d do it to.  I’m not stable, Jared.  I can’t be alone.  I can’t lose her.  It would kill a piece of me that I’d never get back.”  She leaned into his shoulder and cried as he held her in his lap.

“Honey, you are stable, how can you say you aren’t?  You run a freaking business and tackle school, you have to be stable, otherwise you wouldn’t be making it this far.”

“No!  I’m not stable!” she pulled up her sleeves somewhat violently, but only revealing the scars from that night, and flashed her stomach, “if I were stable would this have happened?  No, it wouldn’t have.”  Her sobs grew stronger.

“Sara, your father had just died when you did this, he’d just died!  Who in the world would be stable after that?  You’d just accepted that you were an orphan.  You did this as a one-time thing.  It’s okay.  People make mistakes.  It’s part of our nature.”

“No.”  She whispered it, almost to the point that he couldn’t hear her.

“No what?”

Lifting her head off of his shoulder she could see that he was truly puzzled.  He didn’t know she’d continued to cut because she always wore long sleeves or hid them well.  “No… it wasn’t a one-time thing.”  She hung her head as if she were a toddler being sent to the corner.

“What do you mean it wasn’t a one time thing?  I’ve never seen any other cuts on you, besides, you’re smarter than that.”  He gently lifted her head again.

“No…  I’m not.  She slowly pulled her sleeves up the rest of the way, to the crooks of her elbows, exposing all of her scars.

“Jesus Christ, Sara.  When… why… how long?  I don’t know what to say…” he trailed off and just looked up at her, astonished.

Sighing, she replied, “Ever since that night, I never stopped.  Even as I went through the therapy, I kept on going.”  She twiddled her thumbs and avoided his stare.  “I, I don’t know why, because it makes me feel better maybe, I don’t know… but it works.  You have no idea what it’s like to do this, no idea, whatsoever.  I don’t expect you to understand it, but I don’t want you to criticize me for it.  Mel knows… she knows everything.  Don’t be mad, Jared, please don’t be mad…” it was Sara’s turn to trail off.  She finally met his gaze.

“I just…  I don’t know what to say to this.  I’m not mad…  I guess I kind of feel sorry for you.  Just promise me you won’t do it anymore, or whatever you promised Mel?”

Sara nodded and tucked herself along the line of his body, letting him wrap his arms around her and hold her, “I just want to be held.  I just want to feel loved.”  She hated the pity, but started to cry again and couldn’t stop those hot, salty drops from trailing her cheeks.  He was moving her hair out of her face and had started to talk.

“You are loved.  I love you, Mel loves you, her parents… a lot of people love you, whether you see it or not.”  He stroked her hair as though it would break with too much pressure.

Sara nodded, looking him full in the face, and he was beautiful.  His slightly longer than shoulder length, auburn-brown hair had spilled over the left side of his face and his green eyes seemed to glow with intensity.  Then he did something very, very unexpected, he kissed her.  Chastely to begin with, as she relaxed, he pushed his tongue through and explored her mouth.  They took turns probing each other’s mouths for several moments.  Then Sara abruptly stopped, putting her hands on Jared’s chest and holding him back with her eyes closed.  She let out a shaking breath, and opened her eyes to see his staring straight into her.  She felt as if he could peel back the layers of her just with that stare, that he could bare all of her innermost thoughts, her most intimate feelings, and he could do it as easily as opening an envelope.  It scared her.  She didn’t want to be subjected to being known so well, so thoroughly, and she really didn’t like the fact that someone could read her, oh, so simply.  She felt him looking at her and came back to this world.

Jared moved forward to kiss her chastely again, and she leaned back and shook her head, “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  All I wanted was to be comforted.  Leave it to me to find love in the wrong places.”  She looked down at her hands, as if examining a manicure that wasn’t there. 

“Don’t be sorry, Sara.  I shouldn’t have moved in for it, it wasn’t the right time.”  He looked at the girl in his lap and frowned.  “I never meant to take advantage, don’t say anything about it, that’s what I feel like I’ve done, and it sucks.”

“It’s okay.  I just don’t know.  It’s not entirely your fault.  Partly mine.  Don’t worry about it.  But you’re right that it wasn’t the right time.”  Sara hesitated before she settled in his lap, but with his arms wrapped around her, and her face cradled in the bend of his neck, she was feeling the comfort she needed.  She felt secure for a while, feeling Jared making those small circles on her back, then everything gradually started to grow sort of hazy and everything was silent.