White Is The Light That I Will Never Be

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.” ~ Emily Dickinson

White is the light that I will - never - be -
being a ghost who hides in the shadows -
who walks - alone - along pathways of stone -
with the wind and the rain in my house clothes -

I seek only the solace of - quiet -
threaded cotton of - invisible - verse -
whispering words appear then disappear -
holy - silence - in the hem of my skirt -

Father boarded a train travelling - east -
and mother followed him one month later -
what to do? what to do?  I am - alone -
I hold tight the stillness even greater -

The others could - never - understand me -
they cannot fathom the loneness I - crave -
this space in my soul is an - empty - hole -
there is comfort in the bowl of a grave -

I fill it with words until it’s - brimming -
white scraps of linen are folded with care -
my words are such words white-winged and as bright -
as granite ashes that - float - in the air -

Perhaps it’s not normal to embrace - dark -
to extinguish - light - in branches of me -
but it’s what I’ve known and grafted to bone -
white is the light that I - never - will be.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

hmmm interesting ... seems your protagonist has captured and elevated the silence of being alone but not lonely .. having found the solace and quiet of that .. takes a bold and perhaps reckless step further into a perception of darkness that will grant further comfort ... hmmmmmm not sure that would be a wise step .. love the Emily quote .. she is the best eh!? she also made use of spaces and the "-" and made her, according to some, one of the pioneers of modernism in America ... for me this poem makes a little too much use of it and instead of guiding my reading as you intend .. it kind of distracts me .. just read again .. so many wonderful images, feelings and twists on the language .. a beautiful tale of a poetess who laments being misunderstood .. decides she isn't good enough .. decides that staying in and embracing those shadows is the best she will do :( the darkness of this poem so reminds me of Poe .. his poetry was his norm ... and so the darkness of it seemed not so ..... evil if you will ... V1 L4 hits home for me .. in its plainness it speaks volumes .. ".....in my house clothes" ..love it! V2 L2...beautiful!! Vs 3 & 4 it turns to the concrete .. mother and father left .. she's alone .. "what to do? what to do?" ..its just so real to me .. i feel her .. i have gone on too much ...sorry ..but words that are granite ashes that float!!! c'mon! stark contrast .. i really like your poem...you tribute to Emily .. perfect song choice says i! and picture .. she is sad .. alone .. but finds a certain solace in it .. enough to stay there ;( the irony is (for Emily) she was brilliant staying there .. well done ... i think this poem has staying power .. read it a third time out loud .. best ever!!
E.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

O! You articulated so much in your review. I really appreciate the time and effort. While the form of this poem is Dickinson-based and clearly not my normal form of writing, it was easy enough to immerse myself in these feelings. Knowing about her life and feeling it is so close to my own, I know the feelings well. I know the solace of being alone. I know it is not normal, and it is something most do not understand. I've been called a hermit. I've been told that I'm like a bird in a gilded cage. I just learned to love being alone at an early age. Suicide, abuse, neglect, lack of family, and lack of love have a way of doing that to you. I personally think people would do well to sit with themselves a little while, but I think most people are so distracted by technology today and the "loudness" of it all that they never do so. My way of being isn't completely healthy, I know, but it is what I've come to embrace. Sorry that the fluidity of the poem isn't my norm, but I really wanted to remove myself from that part of the poem and try to abide by her form.

[Einstein Noodle]

its a marvelous tribute ...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i have always been a black light, and not enough of those posters for me to matter that much...but i relate to this poem since i was the darker, shadowy one and my family never understood me for so many years.
I was the one in the shadows who should be quiet....
thank you for writing me into your poem....there are echoes of Dickinson here, as well...her nature poetry...the hymnal form...but no steady rhyme which throws the oral reading off a bit, just like Emily would do...and she is probably up there laughing at us as we try to read her.
she was so ahead of her time....this is quite good.
j.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Thank you, Jacob. I suppose every one can find a bit of himself in this poem. We all feel lonely at times. I am so much like Dickinson though that it's frightening. My childhood necessitated growing up alone, never being able to have friends, and hiding within, the furthest distance I could run. Learning to lean into the solace of being alone, I learned to embrace it (grafted to bone). In social settings, I am very outgoing, can talk about anything, always have a good time (externally), and I get along with everyone. My nature, however, always prefers being alone. No family. No husband. No children. At times, no god. I am a "bird in a gilded cage," as someone once told me. No one understands. I actually prefer being alone, but I know this is not a good thing, particularly as I get older. When I found my father's unmarked grave and knew that no one had come to his funeral because it was during a blizzard, I felt so sad inside. I remember thinking that the worst thing is to die alone; and yet, all steps that I have taken are leading me down that same path. I could have been married four times over but walked away, the runaway fiancé who winds up alone.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

The form of this poem - the imperfect rhyme and breaks - were influenced by her slant type of writing. Otherwise, you know this isn't me.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, i see the influence....and i understand the "alone" thing....although i was married three times...yet now i am alone, but never lonely....many things to keep me quite occupied and content...
and i also thrive in social settings...but also like my own space in which to do what i want, when i want...my roommate Hank...she has four feet and purrs enough for me to know that for her, the two of us is just fine and dandy....
j.

[Chris]

Listening to the rain dancing on window panes and skylights as I read this on... again and again. Thought-full echoes as rivulets form and flow - within me.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

You are such a beautiful and thought-full soul that I believe it to be true.

[Chris]

Quite ...true.