What the Hell

Another love story that ended not well.

What The Hell

I have never been mentally ill, so to speak. I am secure in my own sanity and my ability to reason and also the ability to think. The only thing I am guilty of is running from the pain left behind from me. But as the Good Book quotes, “My people perish where there is no vision.”

I am lost and I can not find me. I have tried looking everywhere but I am not there.I looked in the place where I would hide my deepest darkness secrets, I was not there. I was not hiding in my shame. I got in the car and drove to the park where I would take my daily walks, I was not walking. I scoured the clouds where my imagination exploded beyond comprehension and the drops of Jupiter had already fallen from the sky and I was not sailing the Milky Way. I search the Cosmo’s with a magnifying glass enlarging all particles and still nothing...No me.

The moon is completely shrouded by clouds yet I see the man in the moon. He looks sad, He looks alone. When I find myself will I be sad, will I be alone? Where am I at? What am I doing? Why will I not stop so I can catch up with me? Who could be hiding me from me? ME. I feel a sensation that the sky is about to fall. Secrets crackle like static electricity. Now is not the time. My heart thumps like a bass drum. I am broke and need repairing. I have to find myself. I have to be fixed. I cannot fly through eternity without me. I cannot fly on the wings of nothing. Linda, where are you? I must keep looking. I must look even higher and lower, farther and nearer, up and down, in and out. I must check the evens and the odds, the correct and incorrect, the good and the bad, the sad and the glad. The rich and poor, the rights and the wrongs, the perfect and the imperfect, the calm and the stormy, the action and the reaction, the hills and the valleys, the strong and the weak, oh my why can I not speak. And if I did, who would listen. I shout into nothing, Did you hear me? Did you comprehend what I asked? Can you give me the answers that are right or are you throwing answers to the daily dusty dry winds that whistles past my ears. Can you win in this game called life?

I try to be clinical, to regain my balance. Fear returns like a swan, of killer bees. Suddenly obsessed by the death of a loved one, vanished into the dark vortex of her being. There is something not said but shouts into the abyss.

There is something on my mind. Just as success separates failure, disappointment does also, as with nature one should always be cautious.

There is a sound, she stares ahead, his truck rumbling loudly along the winding narrow road. He passes me. I am not found nor seen. It is odd to think we were intimate at one time. To look at his full lips and graceful hand and remember the touch of them. When we walked the streets, people turned to stare at him. They do not see me. Where am I? What in the world could I be doing?

Author's Note

This story was originally written in 2010 i just never got around to posting.

Reviews

[Temperance]

Oh my goodness, Linda....I feel the loss and pain in this story and, I can relate completely! We have all been there but, if you're like me; we love so deeply that the loss is felt more strongly than maybe someone else might feel. Difficult to get over but, we persevere and move on. This story is so well penned my friend. Your emotions came off the screen at me. I really enjoyed this read. Temp

[Coyote Poetry]

I believe. I have danced with insanity, a few times dear Linda. I liked the honest thought and the seeking of balance. Maybe today, I am still seeking. Thank you for sharing the amazing story. I did enjoy.
Coyote

[Chris Shaw]

The loss of anyone really close to us can send us into grief and depression. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. Time becomes irrelevant, it takes as long as it takes for the pain to soften. For some it doesn't. Yes, we can feel broken and we have to heal in the best way we can. The loss whether through death or a breakup, the feelings are much the same. A finely written account you have penned here Linda. Such a good, though sad read.

Chris

[Linda Stinson Wells]

Yes, this is so true. They say that time will heal all wounds but I say that is no always true. You just have to learn to live with it, but as you say it takes time for the pain to soften. Thanks for the review. I hope we can be good friends and keep in touch.

LSW

[Robert Haigh]

We all go through bad times, and times when we cannot really find ourselves. When we are on a real downer we doubt everything that we do, and don't seem to measure up. We are usually being too hard on ourselves during such times. Given time, and reflection, we usually come out of the deep negativity that we were carrying around, and see things a little more clearly. No-one in the world is perfect, and we should remind ourselves of that fact. All we can do is our best. Depression and lack of self-esteem can be debilitating. We have to fight our inner demons in order to overcome them. This can be a lifelong battle for some of us!

[Linda Stinson Wells]

Thank you for the outstanding review. It has certainly brought enlightment to my morning.

[John the Baptist]

The search for the self is an ancient quest. The speaker here ponders it continually, looking back over the past, which seems to reveal no answers. Toward the end of the work, one who was intimate with the speaker is brought into the story, answering questions for the reader. What the speaker needs most is a dose of self esteem.
PS: I noticed several grammatical errors. You might do well to have a proofreader look at the story.

[Linda Stinson Wells]

Like I said I wrote this back in 2010. I was in a bad way at that time. You are right, I should have checked it for grammar errors before I posted it. As far of self as the self esteem is concerned I had none at that time. I still deal with it today. Almost never feeling like I am good enough for most things. Thank you for the review. It was touching. I think I did try to correct some of the errors but because the story was posted five months ago I could not edit it. but I see now there is an option to edit, so I will look at it again. God Bless

[Jibey]

This is a real cri de coeur ... and the intensity of anguish and confusion pulses through the words... Sometimes when we are going through bad experiences, it helps a lot to express what we feel - and I hope this helped you, Linda.

'To look at his full lips and graceful hand and remember the touch of them.' That is painful.. and the raw emotions don't easily heal.. There IS a bright vision ahead! It's YOU! You're still as attractive as you were when this guy touched you. It's his loss. Maybe it's your gain. Press on... press on... You CAN.

[Linda Stinson Wells]

Yes, it did. It put a smile on my face. Even though it was long ago and I have swept him under the rug, you made this old woman smile a big smile. I can't remember when the last time I actually smiled. I feel pretty thank you Jibey.

[Linda Stinson Wells]

Yes I was very down in the dumps when I wrote this. I really did feel lost and that life I had was fixing to change. When I ran across the hard copy of this short story it the other day it was sure to open a closed wound It is OK I was only down and depressed for one day. Then got over it and typed the hard copy to share mystery with the fine people at












Yes I was really extremely depressed. Had just called it quits from this guy I had been with for about 4 or 5 years. I wrote this when I was having a sad time. I found the hard copy of it from all my writings in 2010 or close to it. I ask you have you ever felt like this?