Chapter Thirty

Indignation

The cot received the brunt of my frustration. Was it not enough that I saved her son from the Peacekeepers? I wished Dorothy showed up so I could kick her instead of the bed. With nothing to destroy in the vicinity, I chucked the bucket from the corner into the bars. I did not care who heard the commotion. Let them come stop me. I stared at the overturned bed frame and sighed. My brief tantrum provided a sense of release.

Once I returned everything to its previous place, I paced back and forth. What would Ari do now that he knew the truth? Did he believe me? Rose would make sure I got out of there. I had faith in her, but no one else. Periodically, I found myself grinding my teeth. When exhaustion overwhelmed me, I finally laid down.

Darkness shrouded the world when I woke up. I paced again, running my hand along the cool concrete wall. As the sun came up, I plopped down on the cot and dropped my head in my hands. My stomach rumbled. How much longer did I have to wait? No sooner did the thought cross my mind, the smell of food filled the air. I picked up my head at the sound of footsteps and watched Rose unlock the door. She handed me a plate of eggs and breakfast meats. I had gotten used to eating the greasy, fat-filled meals.

"Dorothy is happy you saved her son. So she is willing to let you off the hook," Rose said as she sat down next to me.

"Gee, I'll be sure to thank her," I answered with a mouth full of food.

"I understood that you're angry about what happened."

I shot her a look. "Who wouldn't be angry?"

She didn't answer right away. I shoveled the remains of my breakfast into my mouth.

"What would you do if Tremont, Jefferson, or even Dorothy were in trouble? Would you help them or let them fend for themselves?"

Good question. "I don't know. Can I go clean up?"

We stood simultaneously.

"Yes, let's go."

Rays of sunlight filtered through the trees and warmed my face. I drew in a deep breath of fresh air to calm my nerves.

Rose seized my arm. "We aren't done. The enemy of my enemy..."

"Is my friend. Yes, I understand," I tore my arm from her grip and continued to walk.

The whip lashed my arm. "No, I don't think you do. I have told you from the beginning - anger is a liability."

My chest tightened. "I'm not going to do this again."

"I am not asking.  Let go of your anger."

My face flushed as I whirled around to face her. "Let it go? You think it is so easy."

Rose smacked me again. "You're still stuck in the victim mentality. Take responsibility for your life."

"How do you figure? Am I throwing my problems into everyone's face for validation?"

"No, I don't think you ever desired the attention. But you are drifting back to the way you were when I first met you, retreating into yourself. We don't have time to wait for you to come to terms with the situation. There are so many others who are in a much worse position than you are."

I pointed towards the city. "I understand better than anyone here that there are others in a worse position."

The whip cracked the skin broke open on my right arm. Blood trickled down my arm. I clenched my teeth.

"Stop," I pleaded.

"What has happened since that night? You've been living with the belief that I cast you aside, just like your family did. The events since then led to you being held captive. You let yourself become their personal punching bag. For what? For him, yes, the man you love who arrived with another woman."

My hands balled into fists. "Stop," I replied in a carefully controlled tone. My throat closed up. Tears burned my eyes.

The whip hurled toward me. I snatched it out of the air and ripped it out of Rose's hand. My hand split open from the impact. Rose stepped back with one hand on her chest. A dazed look washed over her face. I tossed the whip aside.

A tentative smile built on her face. "There it is. Anger can make you strong, but the longer you hold it, the more you hurt yourself."

Heat swept through my body. I spun around on my heels and left her there.

"Don't let your anger consume you," Rose called out.

My head throbbed. I did not care that my arms and hand stung. Once in my room, I yanked the blanket onto the floor next to the bed and curled up, so no one could spot me through the window. Within moments, I sobbed. Rose was right. I was only hurting myself. The past couple years I overworked myself, but my over-achievement only masked the pain I locked away.

***

The day turned into night. A soft knock rapped on the door. I did not answer. The door opened anyway. I groaned when I realized I had forgotten to lock it.

"Lily? It is Ari."

My heart skipped a beat. I moved my arm from my eyes to look at him. He held a rather large box in both arms. My eyes stung. No doubt, they were red and puffy.

"What happened to your hand and arm?" he demanded.

"It's nothing."

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked in a shaky voice.

"No, I'm glad you're here." It was not a lie. I was happy he showed up.

He placed the box on the table and squatted down next to me. "You should wash those wounds."

I sighed. "I will."

"What did she say to you?"

"Oh, so you saw that?"

He combed his fingers through his hair. "Just the tail end. I could not hear, though."

"She purposely provoked me, to prove how angry I am. She's right." I paused. "She's always right. How do I forget about being held a prisoner, when I'm still wearing the bandages?"

"I don't think you should forget. Your past has shaped who you are. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things."

"Have you?"

"What?"

"Forgiven her."

He fell silent.

"I understand where Rose is coming from. She does not want me involved if I am willing to sacrifice someone because of what they did to me. I cannot lie and say I would not like to dish out some retribution. They still do not feel any remorse for what they did. I embody the enemy, everything they hate. I didn't deserve to be treated like a human being."

His face shone with a warm smile. "The first day, I beat the crap out of the guy who hit you."

I pushed up off the floor and lounged against the bed. "You did?"

"Yeah. He deserved it."

I smirked. "I guess if anything, it taught me humility. Not so strong when you can't move."

Silence settled between us for a few minutes.

He sat down and stretched his legs out. "What's her story?"

"Rose? She grew up in these mountains and fell in love with a man who traveled here from Yabacon. They married and had three kids. She returned to visit her sister and during that time, her husband and kids died in a wildfire. Afterward, some thugs called "The Wolves" jumped her. She overthrew the leader and took over. She changed her name, rebranded the group, and turned them into a transport company. The actual thugs disappeared when she took over. If you meet any of them, they aren't the criminals."

"Did something happen between you two?"

"Yeah, you can say that. The night I left, we got into an argument because she would not tell me what happened. She told me to grow up and I blew up on her. A family should not keep secrets from each other, so I was not family to her. Then I told her to grow up herself, instead of hiding behind her feelings. She and Felix are in love with each other and neither one would admit it. I gathered my belongings, tossed my cyber-band at her, and left."

"And that was the last time you spoke until she turned up?"

I nodded. "She thinks I'm mad at her, which is probably true. She acted like what happened was no big deal and made me agree to convince you to do something you didn't want to do."

"Lily, I just met that girl. She is not my girlfriend, not even just a friend."

"You don't need to apologize or explain."

He stared at the floor. "Yes, I do. My roommates convinced me to attend a party and I was pretty rude to her. I felt bad so I went to the University to apologize. A couple minutes after I arrived, those morons appeared."

"So you let them bring you here?"

He reached out his hand as if to hold mine but then jerked back. "More or less. I knew they worked for Dorothy. I was enraged, at her mostly. She contacted me right after the picture circulated and hid the fact that you were alive from me. I figured out you must have told her where I was, but I never dreamed it was a hoax. Supposedly, she did not want me coming here only for you. Her lies brought something out of me. So, no, I can't say I am ready to forgive her."

My abdomen twisted into a knot. In my mind, I relived the events on the train. I no longer felt like I made the right choice. I wished I could go back and hit reset.

"I would have come sooner, but I've been working on moving Fran and the kids," he said apologetically.

The news restored my spirit. I suppressed the urge to hug him on the spot. "They're here?"

"Yeah, they're getting settled in the two-story farmhouse at the north village border. I do not know how Fran kept them quiet on the trip." His eyes fell to my hand again. "Can we clean up these cuts?"

"Sure."

He slowly got to his feet and offered his hand. We stepped to the sink. He turned on the water and grabbed a cloth. With a smile, he wiped my face off first, and then pulled my hand under the water. I flinched from the stinging.

"What will you do when this is all over?" he wondered.

I shook my head. "I'm not sure yet. I cannot go back to the city. That life is over for me. What are you going to do?"

"I want to go where ever you go."

My eyes dropped to the running water. "You must want to do something. You can't keep living from the seat of your pants." I leaned on the sink toward the faucet and let the water run off my hand.

The cloth fell into the sink. My tank-top lifted up a little from my back.

"When did you get a tattoo?" he asked in a strained voice.

"When I changed my name. I couldn't let anyone see it in the city, so I kept it covered."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"It was not something on the top of my mind. Besides, we were talking for a couple months. Most of that time you thought I was a paranoid fanatic. How did I know you weren't going to turn me in?"

"So you don't trust me?"

The pain in his voice sent a pang of guilt in my stomach. I kept my gaze on the water. "Maybe I didn't before. I have always told you nothing but the truth. "

"You just decided to withhold certain things."

"Would you have done it differently if you were in my position?" I glanced over my shoulder at him.

"I don't know." He threw his hands up. "It's getting late. I should go. Big day tomorrow."

I nodded as I wrapped my injured hand in a small towel.

"Good night."

He turned and left without another word. The door banged shut. I looked at the box on the table. Inside laid a sandwich wrapped up in brown paper on top of a music player and a few books from my apartment in the city. My eyes watered up. My heart split at the thought of what I said. I had to control my emotions.

I needed to apologize and start cooperating. Even if the villagers did not trust me, I could help them acquire the counter drug. With Fran onboard, they would succeed. And I had to figure out what I wanted afterward.