The first betrayal

Dear you,

 

            I sit here with your picture in my hands. I can still remember what your touch felt like. Your hands were soft and warm. They caressed my body in a sensual way. They never strayed too far from my reach. Now, however, they are far from my reach. They are touching someone else, the same way they once touched me.

            Your absence surrounds me. It envelopes me, it leaves scars around my heart. I can see you walking around my room, pretending to be Romeo. A single tear leaks from my already burned out eyes. The absence is burning a hole through my heart. It strikes the heart as a heat seeking missile would.

            There’s a void left here, almost to the point of killing me. I cry myself to sleep every night, wishing you were still here to hold me close. I hold my pillows close to my heart because I feel that if I don’t they will disappear just like you have. You promised you wouldn’t do what he did, but in the end you did. You left your absence in this void that I call a heart.

            I have this teddy bear that you gave to me. When you first left, I hated you so much, so I threw the teddy bear into a box. Well, now the teddy bear is out on my bed. I couldn’t part with it. It means too much to me. It holds all of my tears that I cry. He even cries. He whispers to me at night telling me that I need to let go, but I can’t. I’ve tried, but you’re locked here inside my heart, and I need you more than ever. I think it’s kind of funny how the person you need the most is the person who hurts you.

            I can remember how you used to come over to my house and pick me up. We went and got ice cream and went to the park. Now, I can’t go to the park to enjoy it. All I see when I’m there is you holding my hand walking along the track. I slowly put my hand out for you to take and I realize all I’m going to grab is air. You won’t be there anymore to hold my hand, the spaces between my fingers will remain empty.

            Everyone is telling me that I’m no longer who I was. I realize that, but I can’t be anyone that is associated with you. My once happy life has now turned into nightmares. I wish I could bring back everything that made me happy. My heart aches so much anymore, it’s the most pain I have ever felt. It’s even hard to explain. You were the only thing that made me happy, and now I have to learn how to live without you.

            I realize you may never read any of what I’m writing, but writing to you, makes it all seem to go away. At least for a little bit does it seem to go away.  I guess the main reason I have decided to write to you, is because I saw you the other day at a store. I was just getting ready to get out of my car when I saw you with her. You looked so happy holding her hand and holding her, and even kissing her. You looked like that with me for such a long time.

            Seeing you, brought back so many forgotten memories, so many happy memories. I wanted nothing more than to get out of my car, walk up to you and start talking to you. I couldn’t even make my hand open the door. You broke me into a million pieces and then go with someone else and act as if nothing even happened. Seeing all of that only broke me even more. I was doing so good, but then seeing you, just made everything come back.

            I didn’t even get out of the car and go into the store, I just went straight home. I went inside my closet and took out a box. The box had everything you had ever given me. There were pictures of us happy together, stuffed animals you gave me for Valentine’s Day or just because, love letters you wrote to me, even some stupid ring you gave me. All of those once meant something to me, and now I will never have that back with you.

            I know, I keep thinking about how things used to be with me and you. I should be going on with my own life and forget about you and just leave you in the past. For some reason though, I can’t. You meant so much to me and I feel like you just didn’t care. I feel like you just lied to me the whole relationship. Was I just a toy to you? Was I just something you used to get to her? Please tell me, I need to know.

            Sincerely,

            Not her.

 

            This was the start of everything. This was the start of the betrayals, of the going behind everyone’s backs and of the worst mistakes I have ever made.  I put the letter into an envelope and put it on his doorstep. I was thinking so clearly when I put it there, but as I was walking back home I thought about it and turned around to go get it. When I got there, his mom was on the front porch and picked it up and yelled for him. It was too late, there was nothing I could do. I knew then, he would read it, and I would feel so stupid.

            I walked back home trying to think of things I could say to him if he called me or came over. Saying that it was a joke or to the wrong person. I could always say my friend wrote it and put there. The only problem with that, he knew what my handwriting looked like. When I got home I went downstairs to my bedroom and sat on my bed. I was expecting him to call but he never did. I thought maybe he would just think it was stupid and would forget about it.

            I got up off my bed and went to my closet. I took the box out and looked at everything that was inside and realized I was just being stupid. I needed to get over him and move on with my own life. He obviously was over it and wanted nothing to do with me. So, it was time I did the same. I pulled down a hoodie and some sweat pants. I was going to get them ready to go take a run later tonight when it got a little bit cooler outside.

            As I walked over to be bed, my phone started going off. I had deleted him from my phone so it came up with just his number, but I knew who it was. I answered the phone and we started talking.

            “Hello?”

            “Hi, Kristin?”

            “Hi, Ryan…”

“Kristin what was up with the letter? It was a bit awkward. We broke up, and now I’m with someone else. In fact I’m really happy, happier than I was with you. I know that hurts to hear, but I’m being honest with you. I was never fake with you to begin with. Even though you may have thought I was, but I never once treated you any differently than I have treated anyone else.”

“It was stupid, and I should never have given it to you. It was my way of releasing things, and had I been thinking as clearly as I should have, I would never have given it to you. It just hurt because it doesn’t feel like we’ve been broken up for that long, and I see you with someone else.”

            “Even if it was only a day, you have to realize, I’m not with you. We broke up, yeah it sucked, cuz I really liked you, but I couldn’t deal with all the drama that went on in your life. If we could have stepped back and been in a different place in both of our lives it may have worked out, but that was a year ago. Kristin, you really need to get over me.”

“I realize that.”

“Do you really and truly understand that? This isn’t some big joke thing, this is real. This is what happened between us. The nail has been driven between us, and the only thing we could ever be again is friends. I’m willing to be friends with you if you can truly let go of the relationship we once had.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Then I don’t think we could ever talk after this.”

“Ryan…”

“What?”

“I want to be friends, I want you in my life, you meant so much to me, it just hurt when things ended. There was no warning, we weren’t even fighting. It was hard to accept at first, I kept trying to blame everything on you. But I began to realize that I wasn’t making things easy. I needed to say things and never did. And being your friend, wouldn’t Stacey get mad?”

“Actually, she won’t. She’s the one who suggested it. We were all so close so long ago. I don’t understand where everything went wrong. She even wants to be your friend again. Don’t be mad at her for me going out with her. She at first was very hesitant, she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to lose the friendship you guys had. But you were so drawn in to yourself, she didn’t know what to do. You guys went like four or five weeks without talking.”

“I realize that, it was my fault. I’m not mad about that, I’m not really upset.”

“Hey, I got to go, Jimmy is here and we got to practice.”

“Oh, okay. Tell Jimmy I said hi…”

“Okay will do. Talk to you later.”

He hung up the phone before I had a chance to say anything else. I added his number back into my phone. There was so much more I wanted to talk to him about. I never wanted to let him go, it was the first time him and I talked in just over a year.

After the phone conversation, I didn’t feel much like going and taking a run, so I put the clothes back and laid in bed. I grabbed my I-Pod, and started to listen to some music. My cat Onyx wanted to play. He brought me a toy mouse and I threw it for him. I loved this cat, he was about a year and four months old. Ryan had bought him for me.

We went to a fair and they had abandoned kittens. Onyx was a little fur-ball and was so cute. He was a smokey color gray with a few really dark black stripes across his body. I had to have him and looked at Ryan. All Ryan did was pull out his wallet and handed the guy a 100 dollar bill. I was so happy. Ryan even loved the cat. When we broke up, I tried to give Onyx to Ryan but he wouldn’t have anything to do with it.

He told me that he bought it for me and it would be wrong if he took it back. Onyx is always wanting to play or just to have my attention. At first when Ryan and I broke up I didn’t want anything to do with Onyx, so I gave him to my little sister. Well about a month later, I made her give him back, and she got upset and started crying and mom explained to her that really Onyx was mine.

Onyx decided he wanted to go lay in his own bed and groom himself. I was actually fine with that, I just laid there in bed and stared at the ceiling while listening to my I-Pod. I was trying to figure out the conversation that Ryan and I just had on the phone. I was in a way confused, when we broke up, Ryan told me he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn’t even want to talk to me ever again. And now he wants to be friends.

I fell asleep several hours later. My dreams were the same as they always were. I’m always trying to run from something into someone’s arms. For the longest time I always thought I was running from something horrific in my past into Ryan’s arms. I began to realize that night, that I was not running into Ryan’s arms, it was someone else who cared about me.

I awoke the next morning with a start. My cell phone was going off. It was a text message. Normally, I wouldn’t even bother with text messages, but this message made things change.

“Hey, I know you don’t like texting but I figured this might be easier than talking on the phone. There are things I want to talk to you about, and the reason we did break up. However I am not completely ready to tell you.”

I sat there on the bed, almost in tears because it was the first time he told me that he wasn’t ready to talk, that he wanted me to know why we broke up. When we broke up, I was confused. We weren’t fighting, we weren’t even having any problems. About four months after we broke up, I found out that Ryan and Stacey (who is my best friend) were dating. I for the longest time, thought that the reason we broke up was because he wanted to get close to her. I responded back to him.

“You can talk to me about anything. Whenever you want, it can be in the middle of the night. I don’t really care. You don’t have to explain to me why you broke up with me. I lost the right to know when we broke up. Yes I was upset, but I’m doing better. Just knowing you’re happy is fine with me.”

I got up and walked over to my dresser. I opened the top drawer and pulled out a pair of underwear. They were my favorite pair, they were a light pink with red, blue and purple hearts all over them. When I got these, I loved them so much that I had to go out and buy several pairs of them. I closed the top drawer and opened the thrid drawer. I riffled through the drawer until I found my purple shirt with teal, blue flames all over it. I then closed the drawer and walked over to my closet. My door was always open. Onyx loved his bed being in there so I never close it. I searched around the closet to find my addiads pants. They were a gray and blue pant and were my favorite lounge around pants. I couldn’t find them, and then remembered I washed clothes the other day. My phone went off.

“Listen, you were everything to me. Stacey does make me happy, but in the end she can never be what you were to me. She will never understand me the way you did. I didn’t have to explain things to you, I could just say them, and you knew exactly what I meant.”

I had to read this text message several times. I was surprised he was telling me these things. When we were together he wouldn’t explain things like this to me. He would just tell me that I knew what he was thinking. For the most part I did, but I wanted him to explain what he was feeling to me and he wouldn’t, but I never pushed him for it.

“why are you explaining this stuff to me? Are you trying to make me feel guilty for not fighting for you? Or are you just trying to screw with my head?”

I went into the laundry room, I grabbed my pants, and then went back into my room. I knew that Ryan and I were going to start fighting soon. But I was at breaking point once again. He was confusing me. I got dressed and my phone went off twice.

“No I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or screw with your head. I realize I should have explained this stuff to you when we were together. And that was part of the reason why we didn’t work out. It wasn’t really you that much, it was more me. With Stacey, I can be open and honest with her.”

“Hey girl, it’s your dad, I know this is weird for me to send you a text message, but I got home late last night and went downstairs, and you were listening to your I-Pod, and I didn’t want to disturb you. We are going to the fair today, and your mom wanted to know if you would watch your sister?”

“Ryan, it’s not my place to know this stuff any longer. I have to go though, family things to do.”

I walked upstairs, heard my phone but I just left it on my bed, I would get back to it later. I walked into the kitchen and mom and dad were sitting at the table. Erin (my little sister) was in the fridge like she always was.

“Dad I was up, you didn’t have to text me. You could have come downstairs.”

“Oh, I’m sorry hun, I thought you would still be sleeping.”

“Yeah, I would be if Ryan hadn’t text me.” I knew at that moment I made a mistake in saying his name.

“Ryan? I thought you and him were no longer together. I thought you weren’t talking to him. I thought he wanted nothing to do with you. I don’t approve.”

“Dad, relax, him and I aren’t together. He wants to be friends, and I’m not going to say no. we were friends for so much longer than we were together. Him and I aren’t doing anything, we just started talking again.”

“That’s what you say now, until you find yourself alone again with him. I don’t want him in this house without someone being here, such as your mom, me or Jared.”

“Honestly dad, you act as if I’m going to do something with him.”

“Well you did when you were with him, and I don’t want that going on if you aren’t going to be with him.”

“Geez dad. All I was going to come up here and tell you was that yes I can watch Erin, but now I decided I have other plans.”

“No, you are watching your sister.”

“Mom, do something.”

“Nick, we can go tomorrow. Kristin hasn’t really been out in such a long time.”

“We can all go to the fair dad, I can go with Kristin. I don’t mind, I could even have Jason come along. And really dad, I’m 13 I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I’ll let you guys know later, I wanted just your mother and I to go.”

“You better let me know before too much longer because I’m gonna be leaving in a few.”

I didn’t give him a chance to say anything to me, I walked back downstairs and turned into the bathroom. When my dad and I fought, I would always go to Ryan, but now since we aren’t together I can’t go to him like I used to.  I wanted for so much just to be able to call Ryan and tell him I was coming over. Then I would run over to his house and run into his arms and cry.

Author's Note

the chapter is not finished yet, i am still working on it, but plz let me know what you think of it so far, i will update it hopefully today