A funeral

Dear mom,

 

You used to stay up all night and worry about me. Now I wonder if you would still worry about me if you knew where I was. There is no way I could apologize to you for the things I have done. There is no way I could tell you I was sorry because I don’t want to lie to you. You taught me better than that. Sometimes I wonder if I was really worth your time. All I ever did was cause you trouble. You had to give up so much because of me. You missed a lot of Jake’s life because of me. I pretended to be sick all the time. I pretended I was hurt. Just so you would stop paying attention to him. Now I understand that was wrong and it ended up hurting all of us. However mom, I am not sorry for what I’ve done. He deserved it. He had no reason to put his hands on you or Jake. I understand though that it was wrong of me to get involved but someone had to do something. I couldn’t just stand there and watch him hurt you and Jake.

I know it’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me. I’m doing so much better where I am. I’ve learned to control my anger and emotions. I’m writing you this because I want to ask you and Jake to come see me. Would you guys please come see me? I miss you so much and I want to see you.

 

Your loving son,

Chase

 

 

 

That’s how it started. It was out of the clear blue and he contacted me. Even after the trial where he was told he wasn’t supposed to contact us. I guess maybe he forgot. Maybe it was my fault to go see him. I just had to see my son. He meant the world to me, and now he’s gone. Jake wasn’t happy and now the people I love are gone. I’m not sure how long the trial will take but I’m sure nothing good is going to come out of it. I don’t understand how all of this came to be. My boys used to be so close with each other. Once Jake’s real dad came into the picture they started drifting apart. It’s like Chase became jealous of Jake. He always protected Jake though. Kids at school would say mean things to Jake and Chase was always there to wipe their smirks off their faces. He never once complained about Jake or his father.

I think Chase was jealous because he didn’t know his father. His father died just after he was born. Then when I started dating again and met Jake’s father I got pregnant. We never got married and I think that hurt Chase. When Jake was born his father ran out on us. I think from that moment Chase wanted to protect us from ever being hurt again. When I started dating Jake’s father again, Chase became distant from everyone. It seemed to me like he started resenting everyone. I’m not sure if that’s what it really was or not. Tomorrow will be the day I get to see Jake before the trial. He is going to Chase’s funeral. I’m not sure how this is going to play out because the police will be there with Jake.

 

August 23^rd 1998

            “I’m standing here today because my cousin is gone. I’m not going to stand here and judge anyone. That’s not who I am. I can tell you about how Chase was growing up and what he meant to me. He was a nice kid; he always stuck up for people, even people he didn’t know. I remember one time when we were ten, we were down at the fishing pond and we thought it would be funny to play a trick on my sister. Chase laid in the water and pretended he was dead. My sister came out of the house and down to the pond and started screaming. I said I didn’t do it and she got scared she went up to the water to see if Chase was really dead. When she got her face down by his he jumped up and she nearly fainted. We thought it was funny at the time but now, it’s a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. He was someone that was well respected. He was brought up in a family that itself had some problems. He always tried to overcome that. Chase was someone that if he had a valid reason for doing it, he did it. He always questioned things and tried finding the answers. I can tell you from experience with him, he was destined for greatness. I’m going to miss him.” Tony finished his speech and slowly walked over to the casket and touched it. “Dude, Chase, I wish things didn’t happen this way. I’m going to miss you buddy.” He walked away and sat down.

            The funeral carried on and the burial began. I saw him for the first time since the incident. He was a spitting image of his brother. I didn’t understand how he looked so much like Chase. They had different fathers and yet looked like they were twins. He was standing there among the trees. He seemed like he still had his cocky attitude. I could see a little smirk on his face. At that moment all I wanted to do was wipe it off him. He did this to me, and yet he stood there acting like this was all a joke. I don’t know where I went wrong.

            After Chase had been buried I walked over to where the police officer was, “Hello officer, you look like you’re doing well today.”

            “Considering where I am, yeah, I’m doing quite well today. Jake here wanted to come see you and see his brother off.”

            “Yeah…” I stood there thinking to myself that if the officer wasn’t here, I would wipe that smirk off Jake’s face.

            “Hi mom, it’s good to see you. You never come see me, so I get very lonely.”

            “Well Jake, the thing is…”

            “What mom? You afraid of me to? Why is everyone afraid of me? Just because of some little accident. This is all so stupid.”

            “Jake you know that it wasn’t accident. When we got there to the home to see your brother you had every intention of hurting him. I don’t think, well, it’s more I would hope you wouldn’t think of killing him. The more I hear about you, and even now, you standing there all cocky, makes me think you really did have the intention of killing him.”

            “Oh come on mom, what was I supposed to do? Just let him off the hook for killing my dad?”

            “That was an accident Jake.”

            “Call it what you want mom, but Chase got what he deserved for it. It’s not my fault his father died before he was born. He shouldn’t have been jealous about mine.”

            “Jake, he was jealous because you never asked him to come along with you and your dad.”
            “Why should I? He wasn’t his dad, he was mine. He had no reason to be involved.”

            “You know what Jake; I’ll just see you in court. I hope you get everything you deserve.” I walked away without a glance back. It was painful to do it, but he was no longer my son. I have no idea who that person is. Jake was never this way, I don’t understand what happened to him.

            I got into my car and drove home. When I walked through the door I was hit with some memories. Memories of Chase and Josh before all this happened.