The Boy Who Came Before You

A poem to explain myself

There was no way to explain to you why

Why I was fragile

Why I was distant

Why I thought I was everything I am not

It was not because I didn’t feel that spark of flame when you walked near me

It was not because my insides didn’t go crazy when your hand touched mine

It was not because your smile didn’t make me melt

I didn’t know you very well, yet I was smitten with feeling that made me want to dive deeper

There was just one nagging thought that tugged me away from your center

It was virus left behind by him

It was a biting, itching sensation he planted

This infection made it difficult to trust what anyone said about me as truth

I swam in doubt and fear because

What if it was all my fault?

He made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything

So, how can it be that you could see me as everything?

I was made to feel like I was a destroyer of feeling

I was a woman made to break bones

I was a festering, unsalable pest on his arm

My tears were useless, my emotions disgusting

To him, I became a simple fixture

He couldn’t bring himself to get rid of

Because he was used to it, so why change anything?

Until one day, he realized he was better off without it

He removed me, in my place he found her.

A more beautiful piece I could never dream of being

Her stars outnumbered mine and he told me

“I’m happier with her than I ever was with you”

I picked up the shards of the girl he’d left behind

The only logical answer was that it was my fault

I was annoying

I was clingy

I was too emotional

I was too angry

I wasn’t pretty enough

I wasn’t happy enough

I wasn’t good enough

My shades of color had blackened

I responded to pain with hate

I turned my World into a palate of red

Maroon, blood orange, wine, rust

I fell into myself

I spent the hours ruining the person I had built

I cried lies to make myself believe that it wasn’t true

It couldn’t have been all me, right?

Time does heal, though

I grew older

I made amends

I spoke truth to myself

I saw beauty

My life returned to a prism of light

But there were ghosts of him

Shadows to loom over me as a I walked

Voices to whisper as I spoke

Monsters to eat away at my dreams

And so, to try and explain why

I am so insecure

I am so worried

I am so doubtful

It is simply because of the boy

who came before you.

L.W 9-5-17

Author's Note

I'm always striving to be better, so any criticism is welcomed!