I never loved you anyway

She took a long drag on her cigarette and looked away. Her eyes found the corner of the room and traced it, starting at the floor and climbing up slowly as she exhaled. She was avoiding the question, and he knew that, but he let her go. Eventually, after examining every inch of the wall, her gaze shifted and her eyes settled on him again. She took another drag.

“You want me to reassure you, don't you?”

He nodded. Of course he did.

She sighed and with deliberate movements, crushed her cigarette in the nearby ash tray. She watched her actions intently as she thought.

“I can't reassure you. I can tell you the truth, though.” She looked up and met his stare. “I love you. But I'm not in love with you, and I feel awful about it. I tried, but I'm not. I love you, though. Always will.”

He leaned against the coffee table, letting it support his weight.

“I was terrified that was what you would say.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“I'm in love with you, you know. I really am.” He started to get angry. “How long have you known? I've been in love with you for months, you know.”

She nodded, her eyes were downcast. She reached for her cigarettes.

“You can't just do that, you know?' He was shouting now. “You can't just make people fall in love with you and then not be in love with them. That's not fair. Why would you stay if you weren't in love with me? How could you lead me on like that? You made me love you. That's awful of you.”

There was a long pause as she stared at her lighter. He stared at her, growing angrier and angrier by the second. She opened the pack of Camels, but her hands were shaking too badly to remove one. He grabbed the pack and threw it down. It hit the coffee table and she flinched at impact. He noticed, he always did.

“You're always so scared all the time. Always. I put up with that, you know? Good luck trying to find someone else who's willing to do that. You're so hard to be around, but I did it anyway. And now I find out you're not even in love with me?” He was screaming.

She just stared down at the table. Roughly, he grabbed her chin and forced her to look up at him. She was crying. They were silent, large tears that poured continuously from her eyes, down her face and splattered the fabric of her dress. Her eyes met his and he knew she was afraid.

And that was good, he wanted her to be afraid of him. He was angry and he hated her in this moment. He was hurt. He told her these things.

“I know,” she said, “I hate myself right now too. But I love you. I'm sorry it's not enough.”

For some reason, this made him angrier than anything else. His hand was still grasping her chin, he quickly moved it to the back of her head.

“You're a b***h.” he said quietly. His eyes were locked on hers, and when he finished speaking she looked away. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled on it, forcing her to stand. He looked in her eyes again before shoving her off to the side. Her hip hit the coffee table which caused it to tip over onto her. The ash tray shattered. She lay there quietly for a moment, still crying soundlessly. He stood watching her. When she gained the courage to look into his eyes they gave her nothing. Slowly, she pulled herself out from under the table and stood. She moved slowly from the pain and he laughed at her.

“You know you deserved that.”

“I know.”

“I can't believe I ever thought you were a good person. You ruined my life.”

“I know.”

He stared at her and saw a woman completely defeated. But this total defeat, this acceptance of his anger, upset him. He was looking for a fight, and she wasn't playing along. He reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to him. She didn't resist and he felt himself hating her more. He kissed her harshly; she let him. He pulled away and looked at her, noticing she was still crying.

“You're a w***e.”

He pushed her down again, she landed on the floor with a thud. She had let out a gasp when her body hit the floor and he liked that. He sat on top of her and looked down.

“Why wouldn't you just love me? Wouldn't that have been easier? I would have loved you forever. We could have gotten married.” He started screaming. “You were supposed to be my forever.”

She had closed her eyes when he had started to scream; she didn't see him form a fist or his arm reach back. She felt his knuckles connect with her face, though.

He hit her again and again. Each time she whimpered. He wanted to make her scream. She deserved to scream. He stood up and grabbed her, he threw her into the ruins of the coffee table. She was bleeding and crying, but not screaming. He kicked her body, but still she wouldn't scream. He hit her a few more times, but she refused him still and he was growing tired.

Panting and exhausted, he stood above her.

“Why did you do this to me?”

The answer came in a whisper, “I don't know.”

He stared at her for a moment before turning around. As he walked out the door he called out behind him, “I never loved you anyway.”

Reviews

[Richard]

this is really a little bit harsh ... like .. I don't think I like the guy too much ha
but this was really a great short story and there was a lot of smoking and catcher in the rye type stuff I liked it a lot :)

do you smoke?