Chapter 33.

33!

Jason found that breaking the window had actually been satisfying. Whatever he was angry about, he could just put it into breaking the window. He put a towel over his hand and just punched. Conner stood beside the ladder below as Jason climbed up, a terrified look on his face. Jason didn't know whether the look was from being scared he would fall, or scared he would get angry again.
To be honest, Jason had been more frustrated than angry when he found out. Locking yourself out of your room seemed like the stupidest thing anybody could ever do, especially considering Conner's rationale behind it. It was like one thing after the other with this kid.

But then he remembered how scared Conner had been when he came to his room, and how he shivered in his sleep, and whimpered every now and then during the night, and realized it wasn't so stupid after all. He just hadn't really thought it through, and Jason was guilty of that plenty of times himself.

He couldn�t really be mad at a kid acting like a kid.

He'd considered taking the door off the hinges to get in, but wasn't exactly sure where the right tools were, and breaking the window to unlock it and get in seemed like a much easier idea.

And it was just kinda cool to climb up on the ladder and break a window of his own house. Breaking and entering could be fun. But he didn't share that part with Conner.

What wasn't satisfying was convincing Conner to get in the car and go to the hospital. They were running a little bit late as it was. Fortunately, Conner had fallen fairly submissive again once they got back into his room, still a little unsure about how Jason felt about having to break in.

When they got to the clinic, Conner looked sick. Jason kind of sympathized. He hated going to the doctor too. And he knew how uncomfortable Conner was with being even slightly scrutinized by anybody, and having a doctor examine you was even worse. Jason was just relieved Conner wasn't fighting about it.

"You want me to stay outside?" Jason asked him as they followed the nurse to the exam room.

Conner was pale. He shrugged.

"I'll wait out here then," Jason answered. "If you need me just get me." He figured Conner would be more comfortable talking without him there. Although, he wasn't very good with strangers and the nurse was certainly a stranger. He put his hand on Conner's head and added, "And please talk to them." He ruffled his hair.

Conner just kind of made a face.

"Right in here," the nurse said, holding Conner's chart to her chest. He had been to this clinic before, so they had all of his files. She was a slightly overweight black woman with tightly braided hair. She pointed to a room to her right. "I'm just going to do your vitals and Dr. Harris will be with us in just a few minutes."

Conner's eyes opened wide. He stopped walking abruptly, causing Jason to nearly walk right into him.

"What?" Jason asked.

The nurse just looked at Conner quizzically.

Conner didn't say anything. He just stood there. Then he grabbed Jason's hand and tugged. "Can we go home now?" he whispered.

"Conner, we just got here�" Jason objected. He looked at the nurse. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine�" she answered.

"Conner," Jason said. "What's the matter?" Conner was gripping his hand so hard it almost hurt. Then it clicked. Harris. Dr. Harris. Like Kevin Harris.

He sighed.

"It's a different Harris," Jason told him. "Is that what you're freaking out over? Come on. It's a pretty popular last name." He looked up at the nurse. "Ma'am, what's Dr. Harris's first name?"

The nurse raised an eyebrow. "Julia."

Jason squeezed Conner's hand. "See, Conner, stop it. Follow her in."

Conner didn't look very convinced. But with a shove from Jason, he reluctantly followed the nurse into the room. She shut the door behind them. Jason stood outside and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms across his chest. He felt uncomfortable himself. This was such a dry, sterile environment. He looked left and right, at the plain pictures on the white walls, and shuddered.

About five minutes later the nurse came back out and placed Conner's chart into the plastic holder on the back of the door.

"You can wait in the waiting area if you'd like�" she suggested as she saw Jason.

"No, it's okay," Jason answered. "I'd rather wait here. Just in case."

She nodded. "That's fine."

When she disappeared down the hall, Jason eyed the chart on the door curiously. A moment later, he pushed himself off the wall and slowly walked over to take it out. He glanced down the hall as he opened it, feeling a little wrong for looking but more nosy than anything else.

Name. Date of birth. Name of mother. Name and whereabouts of father unknown. All of the standard dossier information was there. He skimmed through that, turning the page.

There were dates of previous clinic visits, with details. Jason began to read through them, becoming completely engulfed. Even though Ma had given him Conner's background, a Cliff's note version, seeing the doctor's notes written out and the technical terms somehow made things more � real. More unsettling. It was like watching a train wreck. He couldn't pull himself away.

One of the pages had pictures, documenting specific injuries. Jason just stared, not able to completely absorb it. They looked like pictures you would see on TV or in some movie as evidence.

"Excuse me, that's confidential."

Jason nearly dropped the file. Startled, he quickly turned back to the first page and closed the file. He handed it to the middle-aged woman in a white coat suddenly standing behind him and tried to apologize.

"I� I'm sorry� I'm his brother."

She raised her eyebrows.

"Adopted brother," he explained. "I brought him here. I'm sorry, I just got curious."

She nodded, tucking the folder under her arm. "It's okay. I understand the curiosity, especially since it is confidential. See anything interesting?"

He made a face. "Uh� You could say that."

She nodded. "He's in good hands, don't worry. This is going to be just a simple evaluation, it shouldn't take very long."

"Okay." Jason nodded, rubbing at his jaw and realizing he hadn't shaved. "Um, he's pretty quiet. But, he'll talk if you give him time. I know you need to touch him� But just�"

"I know," she assured him. "Don't worry. I gave him his physical right before Judy took him in. So I really just saw him a very short time ago."

"Oh okay. He didn't seem to recognize your name�"

She smiled. "I don't think he paid much attention to me, to be honest."

"Yeah." Jason nodded. "I know the feeling."

"You want to come in?" she asked.

He shook his head. "No� No, I think it's better if I just wait out here. If you need me, just let me know."

"Okay. I won't be long."

Jason just sighed as she entered the room and took his spot back leaning against the wall.--

"I told you I wasn't sick."
Jason put the car in drive and looked over to catch Conner's scowl. "Yeah, well you didn't tell me you already knew that doctor."

"I don't."

"She said she'd seen you before."

"I don�t know."

"You don't know much, do you?"

Conner was silent. Jason just shook his head and put the car in reverse. "Told you it wouldn't take long." He backed out of the parking spot.

"You spent five dollars on parking and I wasn't even sick."

Jason looked at him again. "Are you trying to be a pain?"

"Just saying�"

"I mean, between the broken window, the five dollars on parking, the gas I used up to drive you here�" Jason replied. "I oughtta make you walk home."

Conner made a face. "If you want me to."

"Don't you know when I'm full of s**t?" Jason muttered. "You gotta lot to learn still, huh?"

"Should I get out?"

Jason rolled his eyes. "No. In fact, lock your door." He paused. "Hey, I have an idea. I'm gonna teach you to shoot my gun." He looked over at Conner's sullen face. He didn�t seem excited by the idea. "Want to?"

"Now?"

"Yeah. Why not?"

"Okay."

"Well, I told you we'd do what you want to. But I don't know what you want to do, and I just remembered I promised you that."

Conner was kind of unnerved by the idea. Last time he'd touched Jason's gun he thought Jason was going to explode. "Who are we going to shoot?"

Bobby laughed. "Who? Oh, if only you knew that I actually had a list�"

"Am I on it?"

"Yes." Jason rolled his eyes again. "Yes, you are."

"Have you shot anybody?"

Jason shrugged. "Don't ask me these questions."

"Does that mean yes?"

"What do you want the answer to be?"

Conner made a face. "I don't know. I just don't see why you would have a gun if you didn't ever use it."

"Smart boy."

"Have you killed anybody?"

Jason stopped at the stop sign, just short of exiting the parking lot. "Have you?"

"No. But I saw someone die. Kevin ran over my dog once."

Jason frowned. "Are you kidding?"

"No." Conner paused. "He said it was an accident."

"Yeah�"

"He didn't die right away. We didn't have a car, so we couldn't go to a vet."

Bobby grimaced. "Conner."

"Our driveway had this big red stain on it. And it didn't rain for like two weeks."

"That's disgusting."

"You get all, like, stiff when you die. Or Trigger did. That was my dog. My mom was all stiff too, I remember. When they found her."

Jason glanced over at Conner. Conner was running his finger along the outside of the glove compartment, a complacent look on his face.

"Is this really what you want to talk about?" Jason asked.

Conner looked at him. "I'm hungry."

Jason shook his head. "Will I ever figure you out?"

"What?" Conner asked. He looked at the car radio clock. "Most people get hungry at noon."

Jason just sighed. Bizarrely, it was one of Conner's more talkative times. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to respond. Stories about dead pets and suicidal mothers made Jason feel unequipped to carry on the conversation. He never even met his own mother. He didn't know if Conner missed his, or what that would feel like. In his mind, Judy was more than he could ask for in a mother, and he wished that Conner would see that too.

Dr. Harris had only talked to him very briefly outside while Conner was getting dressed. She didn�t give him many details for his physical condition, which he assumed meant he wasn't in bad shape. She didn't have time to say much with Conner coming out in a minute, but she talked mostly about how she would recommend Conner continuing to see his counselor, which she'd apparently talked to Judy about. That was something Judy hadn't mentioned to Jason, but he wasn't surprised, considering everything else that was going on and Jason's dislike for anyone of a psychiatric background.

"I don't have to be hungry," Conner spoke up as he noticed Jason's silence.

"Huh?" Jason answered. "Oh, sorry. I was just thinking. Don�t be stupid. I'm kind of hungry anyway. We could combine the gun and food thing. Want to go hunt our lunch?"

Conner gave him a curious look.

"Another joke," Jason explained. "A really bad one."

At Burger King, Conner was restless, sticking so close to Jason that he almost tripped over him a few times. Michal had teased him last week about Conner becoming his shadow, but he didn't really realize how true it was. Over the short time Conner had been with them, he had certainly latched onto Jason the most, and Jason had ignored it at first, persistently telling Judy he didn't have time for a kid, but now it kind of felt like an obligation to be his keeper, especially after what had happened yesterday.
He didn't know whether it was the doctor's visit, or yesterday, or the combination of everything, but Conner was certainly edgy again.

"Good?" Jason watched Conner slide a few fries across the blob of ketchup in front of him.

Conner nodded.

"You like fast food?"

Conner shrugged.

"Why do you get so quiet?" Jason asked.

Conner shrugged again, stuffing more fries into his mouth, almost as an excuse not to answer.

Jason stared at the smudge of ketchup on Conner's chin. "You know, believe it or not, most people want to hear what you have to say, you know that? Not everyone's a bad guy." He sighed. "Do you think I'm a bad guy?"

Conner conveniently took a huge bite of his burger and shrugged again.

"Do you?"

Conner finally spoke, after swallowing hard. "Why do you have a gun?"

"Collateral."

"What's that mean?"

"What do you want me to say? I carry it because I think it's cool?"

"If that's the reason."

"Well, the real reason is�" Jason trailed off. What was he supposed to say? That he's used it? That sometimes he plays the role of tough guy? That he'd been to jail? That sometimes he has to bail people out, or himself out, and that there was a reason he wasn't an outstanding perfect citizen. "I just need it."

"I needed my knife."
Jason took a sip of his soda. "No, you don't."

"I do."

"Have you ever used it?"

Conner hesitated. Then reluctantly he shook his head. "I've wanted to. But I tried once, and it just made it really, really worse."

"Well, then you don't need it. That's exactly it. Threatening somebody is just gonna make them threaten you back with something worse."

"Then why do you have a gun?" Conner asked again.

"To threaten back with," Jason laughed.

"Then I need my knife back."

"No, you don't."

Conner looked at him for a minute and then leaned into the table and said quietly, "I need to go to the bathroom."

Jason leaned forward and whispered back, "Then go." He pointed to the bathroom not far from the registers.

"What if somebody's in there?"

"Well, there might be. It's got more than one," Jason answered.

"What if�" Conner trailed off.

Jason reached across the table and roughly wiped off the ketchup from Conner's chin. "You need to grow some balls, Conner. If you need to go, then go."

Conner looked at him as though worried Jason was disappointed with him. "I don't like when other people are there."

"People gotta do their business, Conner. If you need to take a piss, then take a piss. I'm not gonna walk you in there."

"I don�t want you to," Conner answered.

"Good." Jason ate a few fries. "You're eleven years old. You're plenty big to handle that yourself." He remembered Ian walking into the bathroom while Conner was showering and how terrified Conner had been. It was something that Jason, Michal, and Ian didn't even think about. They never tried to lock the door, and frequently walked in on each other when they needed something. No big deal. Such was life. Conner on the other hand seemed completely enamored with privacy.

Conner just sat there. He broke off a piece of his burger distractedly.

"What?" Jason asked him. "Go if you need to go."

"I can wait," Conner answered.

"Conner. Don't be a baby."

"I'm not," Conner answered defensively.

"Then stop being so stupid over using a bathroom." Jason stared at him. Conner's eyes were shining, like he was going to cry any minute. "Conner," he persisted. "It's a bathroom. Not a dungeon. You don't gotta cry over it."

Conner said nothing. He stared down at his food.

Jason sighed, exasperated. How did people deal with this? Frustrated, he pulled out his gun, which was tucked into his back waistband, hidden by his jacket, and slid it across the table to in front of Conner. "Here, bring this in there. No one will f*****g go near you then." He said it jokingly, but all he got was a gasp from a woman sitting at a table a few feet from them. He gave the lady a complacent look, but she just shook her head and turned back to her food.

"No," Conner said.

"Good, because I wasn't serious." Jason took it back and quickly returned it to his safe and out of sight spot. "God, Conner, just go."

"I don�t need to go anymore."

"Unless you just pissed yourself, which would be another issue, then I think you're lying," Jason answered.

Conner looked sullen.

"The only person I ever knew who wouldn't use the public restroom was this prissy b***h I dated in high school. God, she was miserable." Jason shook his head. "Her reason was germs. I don't think that's your reason, thank God." Not that any other reason was acceptable either, he thought.

"I told you," Conner persisted. "I don't like other people being in there."

"I haven't seen anyone go in or out for a while, buddy."

Conner looked unconvinced. "What if someone is waiting in there?"

"People have better places to stalk out than a Burger King bathroom, kiddo. Let's be serious." He paused. "When was the last time you went into a bathroom like that?"

"Like a month ago�"

"And it was fine?" Jason asked, trying to prove his point. He couldn't believe they were arguing about using a public restroom.

"I didn't want to go, but he made me."

"Who?"

"The person I was with then."

"What do you mean he made you?"

"I didn't want to, and he told me I was stupid, and made me go in. And there were other people there, and they all stared at me." Conner made a face, remembering.

"I'm not going to make you do anything. I hope you know that. And no one's gonna stare at you." He paused. "How about� On the way out in a few minutes, I'll check if anyone's in there and then you can go. Okay? And I'll wait outside."

Conner made a face. Then he said. "Okay."

"Okay. Most ridiculous deal I've ever made." Jason smirked.

Conner was quiet, and then suddenly he smiled. "I know what I want to do now."

Jason raised his eyebrows at the sudden change in Conner's demeanor. "Pee?"

"There's a store. With guitars. I walked there." Conner stirred the blob of ketchup with his finger. "I want to go there."

"Okay. We can do that."

Conner smiled. Jason wasn't sure he'd seen him smile before. He just watched him, trying to read his mind.--

Watching Conner in the guitar shop was like watching a completely different Conner. This time Jason followed Conner around, hands stuffed into his pockets, knowing nothing about the different types of guitars Conner gawked at it with wide, bright eyes.

"Hey, son," an old man began as he walked by. He wore a Jack Daniel's hat with grayish hair poking out from beneath. "I remember you. Let me know if you wanna play with anything."

Conner just nodded dumbly, not looking at him, just running his finger down the fingerboard of the guitar in front of him.

"This is where you walked to that day?" Bobby asked him.

Conner didn't answer. It was like he was in a different world. Jason was just amazed, because this place wasn't an easy walk from where they lived. It was certainly doable, but it was a long walk. He was kind of impressed. Conner had so many random fears, but he had no problem with just wandering off for a mile at a time.

"He play?" the old man asked Jason.

"Uh� I don't know�" Jason answered honestly. He looked up at the man.

"He knows them. He respects them. I rarely see a kid his age with a look in his eye like that."

Jason nodded. "Yeah." Conner had walked off to the next aisle and he watched him for a minute.

"He has a good ear too�" the man continued. "Saw him in here just once before, not long ago, but I remember. He was strumming one. I think that one by the wall over there. And I just walk by him and he turns and he says, it's not tuned. I kind of ignored it� We tune the ones on display constantly� But sure enough. I check once he leaves. And sure enough, it's just slightly out of tune."

Conner smirked. He wasn't sure if he was more impressed with discovering Conner's apparent musical ear, or the fact that Conner had said something to a complete stranger in a random store.

"How much are they?" Jason asked.

The man pointed to the displays. "Depends on each one. We got a pretty wide range here, whether, say, acoustic or electric. Nylon or steel. You know?"

Jason had no idea what he was talking about. But he saw that each guitar on display had a little price tag in front of it. He squinted at the one closest to him and was shocked. He had no idea guitars were that expensive.

"Thanks," Jason answered.

"Yup." The store phone started to ring from behind the counter several feet away and the man nodded at him before walking off. "Have fun."

Jason caught back up with Conner, who was looking at another kind of guitar, which looked really different than the ones Jason had just been standing next to.

"Hey." Jason tugged Conner's sleeve. "What are these? Acoustic?"

Conner gave Jason a look like he was absolutely insane. "Don't you see them? And look at the amps."

"So they're not?"

"No," Conner answered.

"You play?"

Conner shrugged. "I don't know."

Conner followed him as he continued to walk around the store. "Well usually you do or you don't."

Conner didn't answer.

Then suddenly Jason remembered something. "You know Danny?" he asked Conner.

"I don't know." Conner frowned.

"Jenna's brother."

Conner nodded. "Yeah."

"Danny's got a guitar at his place that he doesn't even touch anymore. I know he still has it, because I saw it last time we were there. Do you want it?"

Conner remembered the dark room in the basement with the shaggy blue carpet and album covers all over the wall. He remembered Dan, and the music playing when they went to see him. He didn't really know Dan. Jenna had been nice to him though. He thought about the situation he'd been in while Jenna helped him and felt a little sick.

Jason continued. "He's one of my best friends. And if I asked him, I don't see any reason why he wouldn't let you have it. Considering he doesn't touch it anymore, and would rather somebody use it. He's pretty easy-going like that, you know?"

Conner didn't know. He barely knew the guy.

"Want to stop there on the way home, and I'll ask him?"

Conner looked at the guitar in front of him and then nodded. "Yeah."

"Cool." Jason smiled.

"Cool," Conner echoed.

Author's Note

Sorry about the whole bathroom talk thing, I liked the gun thing though X)....review?