A Family Survivor’s Soul

I get you Mom
I get you My Big Brother
I get you My Nephew
I get you My 1st Cousin
I get you My 2nd Cousin

I get that you each recognized the end. No new beginning.

I’m
Sorry.

You had no confidant. No hope. You were at the end. Of your beginning.

So it’s up to us to pick up your pieces. Try to relate. A time of reckoning for all of us… the left behind.

I/we miss you… so much.., what did I/we did or do wrong? No blame.. not necessary.

But you are free in your afterlife… without burden… no more guilt… no more pain.

I feel like I understand what you felt you had to do. I wish I would have been there to stop you, but that was not possible.

I AM SO SORRY! But I know… it’s beyond me…. So beyond me… your choice… was …. YOUR CHOICE…. Not mine.

I’m at peace with that and welcome the day we can reconvene in paradise. But…. Maybe I could I have stopped you? This disease of mental consumption is not your fault.

Mom, it was 1976 when you made your choice. At 57. My Big Brother, you were Mom’s same age, when you made your choice to transition… that was 2003.

So much sadness. For us, the left behind. Many would call the choice to die by your hand selfish…. They are angry.

But I know… by your hand.. the strength it took to say “goodbye”. I don’t blame you. I just feel so helpless. No anger… not anymore.

Am I survivor of my lost one’s Soul, or am I a gatekeeper?