Chapter 7

April 27, 2013

My mother died today. After having breathing complications and falling to the ground I called the police and she was rushed to the police. They pronounced her dead a couple of hours ago.It’s all over. My life is over. This is it for me, I have fallen victim, and there is nothing else to write about.

I just never got to say goodbye. Never got to tell her one last time that I love her. She was all I had left in this world. She was the only person that ever loved me. The only person that ever cared for me; and now that she is gone there is nothing left for me to do. I can’t do anything without her; I can’t accomplish anything without her. My life is over. I am officially a victim to this society.

 

May 2, 2013

My mother had her viewing today. I just watched her lay there in that casket. She looked so stress, she had tons of wrinkles on her head, and parts of her hair had turned completely grey. I thought she would look peaceful, but instead she just laid there with that worried that she was having. Like something bad was about to happen at any moment.

For about the first 30 minutes of the service only a couple of people were there. Just a few of her friends and family showed up. I don’t really keep in contact with my family so I didn’t know who half of them were anyways. All of my mom friends came up and hugged and kissed me saying that I am in their prayers. The typical things people do when somebody loses their loved one. It just irritates me because these people will not even remember me a month from now. They act like they know what it feels like to lose a mother. How do they know what it feels like to lose the only person that has ever loved you? The person who made sure you had had something to eat every night before they went to sleep. I hate people that try to avenge the death of loved ones at funerals by saying something that they think is sincere but is really stupid.

After about a hour the most unexpected people walked through the door, the Jackson Family. It was Mr. and Mrs. Jackson along with Alaina who looked at me as if she wanted to hug me but she just couldn’t. But that is not what surprised me; it was who else was with them that surprised me. Coming behind the whole Jackson family was no one other than my no good dead beat drug addicted father. I had had enough; this was getting out of hand and I wanted answers now; I didn’t care where we were at.

Before any one of them could open their mouths I spoke first. “That’s It! What is going on here? How do you guys know my father and how do you guys know me.”

My father walked up to me in tears. He put his hand on my shoulder but I quickly shrugged it off, he looked like he was scared but he knew it was time for me to get some answers. “Ladanian I’m sorry, I’m sorry I haven’t always been honest with you. But it is time you hear the truth. No matter much it’s going to hurt you or anybody else.”

 “I think I better tell him Eric.” Said Mrs. Jackson. “I am the one who told him about all this anyways. Ladanian listen to me very carefully. When you were a little boy your father used to live with my sister Teresa Wilson, she had 3 kids and a husband that she had been married to for a long time before your father murder her family.

My father rose up out of anger and jumped into Mrs. Jackson face. “You LIAR! Don’t you sit here and make me look like I was some cold blooded murdered, I wanted the truth to be told from the beginning, I did what I had to do to protect my family.”

“Wait a minute hold on a second!” I yelled as people started to scurry out of the room because of all the arguing. “First of all what are you doing out of jail. I screamed towards my father. I thought you were going to be in there for 6 months. Second of all you’re a murderer? It was Mrs. Jackson family that you killed? Why did you do that? You’re just more of a monster than I thought you were. Get away from me.”

“Ladanian WAIT!!” my father yelled, even more tears was streaming down his face now. “You better tell him the rest Carolyn, tell him the whole story.”

Assuming that Mrs. Jackson first name was Carolyn, I looked at her waiting for her to respond. “Ladanian what you didn’t know is that one of my sisters kids wasn’t her husband’s child. She had had a secret affair with another man, and she had a child with him. That man that she had a secret affair with was your father; and that child she had with your father is Alaina. Alaina is your sister Ladanian.”

For a moment I felt as if I was going to pass out. My whole life had changed. My dad was a murderer and the girl I hated was my sister. I looked at Mr. Jackson and he was in a swarm of tears giving me the most pitiful look. I looked at Alaina and she was in tears too, but when I looked at Mrs. Jackson her was calm, she didn’t shed a tear. She just stood there and looked as if she never cared.

I didn’t like her attitude; she didn’t care about nothing, she didn’t care about the fact that she had ruined people’s lives tonight. When all she had to do is be honest in the first place. I had to give her a peice of my mind. “What is your problem? Were you sent straight from the devil or something? Why would cause all this?”

Mrs. Jackson gave me an evil stare. “I’m not the one who murdered a whole family, your father is. He is the one who started all this. So don’t you dare put this all on me.”

“This is all on you!” my father yelled at Mrs. Jackson. “If it wasn’t for you nobody would’ve ever been hurt.” My father looked into my direction. “Ladanian listen to me, the night those people died, I killed them in self-defense. Mrs. Jackson had told lies to Teresa Wilson’s husband, so many that she got her husband and her three sons to fight me. They left me a bloody mess on the curb of a sidewalk and that is when your mother came and got me. A couple weeks later I went back to get my stuff from the house and that’s when is when the husband a pulled a knife on me. I had to defend myself. So I stuck the knife in his chest. Then his 3 sons jumped on me and I killed them too. If it wasn’t  for Mrs. Jackson none of this would of ever happened. I wanted to tell Alaina that I was her father but Carolyn would never allow me.”

“Why?” I asked to Mrs. Jackson. “Why would you keep that from and Alaina and have stir up lies that caused four people to get killed? How could you be so evil?”

Mrs. Jackson face grew angry. “Ladanian I never liked you or your drug addicted father. I was disgusted when I found out that that my sister had had a relationship with a worthless man like your father. I was even more disgusted when she allowed him to live with her and her family. Alaina was better off thinking that my sister’s husband was her father; but then your father had to get back in the situation and make everything right by telling the truth. Ladanian sometimes the truth is better off being not told.”

“So that gave you the right to make my life a wreck? What kind of sick game are you playing here?”

Mrs. Jackson shouted back at me. “What did you expect me to do tell Alaina that her father was a crack head. Ladanian I honestly thought that you would be dead or in jail by now. I thought  you would be on the streets just like your father. I never expected you and Alaina to ever come face to face with each other. I have to admit you’re smarter than I thought. Your mother was obviously doing a better job than I thought she was.”

“You leave my mother out of this! She is more of a woman than you will ever be.”

“Ladanian it’s time you cut the bullcrap. Yelled Mrs. Jackson. “You will never be anything like Alaina, and I would rather die than to say that you are related to anybody in my family. Your whole family was about nothing, they were nothing but just a bunch of broke people trying to come up off of somebody else. There is something you need to realize Ladanian; you and everybody you are related to is worthless, your mother was worthless, your father is worthless, and even you are worthless. In my mind and in everybody else’s mind; Ladanian you will always be just another N***A!”

That’s when I had enough. This woman had let too much come out of her mouth. My body filled up with anger, and the only person I had my eye on was Mrs. Jackson. I was going to kill her. I charged as fast as I can at her but my father and Mrs. Jackson quickly tackled me to the ground while Mrs. Jackson slowly walked out of the room with Alaina by her side. I tried to break out of the grab that Mr. Jackson and my dad had me in but it was just to too tight.

But to be honest, I’m glad they held me back. I would’ve killed Mrs. Jackson if I got my hands on her. Something came over me when she called me a n***a. I had never been called that before. At least not in a way that it was meant to put me down. When she called me that, I felt as if I was nothing, as if I was worthless. I had never felt that before. It made me wonder if that is what my ancestors went through. Is that how they felt when they were called n****s. But this case was worst; I had been called a n***a by someone the same race as me.

Today I finally had a true revelation to myself and this world, this society isn’t out here to get rid of black people. This society is trying to bring down the people that are not expected to make it; whether Black, White, or Mexican. Mrs. Jackson said she expected me to be dead or in jail by now; that is what she expected of me; and when she realized that she had underestimated me she tried to tear my life apart with her niece. Mrs. Jackson is most definitely not a victim to this society; Mrs. Jackson is the society that people are falling victim to everyday.

This isn’t a black versus white war, this is a rich get richer, and poor fall victim kind of war.

I just don’t know who to trust anymore, now whenever I look at somebody I look at them they’re somebody who is going to stab me in the back. This is a cold world we live. No wonder African American people can’t get together like we use to. We are too busy bringing our own people down so we can make a quick buck for ourselves.

Today had to be one of the worst days of my life. We were kicked out of the memorial service and we are going to have the funeral tomorrow. I’m not even ready for a funeral. I don’t even want to go. Everything is just spinning in my head right now. I have to bury my mother tomorrow and I just can’t realize that yet.

The only thing I’m worried about is why my mother never told me. Why did she never tell me? I wonder if she ever even knew.

I don’t know. I just know that Mrs. Jackson better keep away from me, she has ruined my whole life, and I swear on my mother’s grave that I will get her back for what she has done. Even if some lives get loss, I will get her back by whatever means necessary.

 

May 3, 2013

I attended my mother’s funeral today. The church was packed with friends and family. They sat me in the very front row. Usually at funerals they only open the casket at the end but this time the casket was open the whole service. I just sat there looking at her. Looking at the only woman who has ever meant me well. She was such a good woman; I’m going to miss her so much. We were a team; it was my mom and I against the world and now all of that is over.

Many people sang songs and many people gave their stories of my mother, but none of these people knew my mother. They didn’t know what my mother was really about.

Sitting back at the funeral I just thought about how my mother loved to sing. She would sing all day to her heart gave out. Her songs told stories of hope, stories about having faith in God, her songs were stories of triumph. Whenever she sang she felt as if she was on top of the world. Sometimes I wish I could feel like that. But my mother was a grieving person she kept a lot of pain left inside her. Pain that she never got to let out. Pain that she died with.

About midway through the funeral I took a look around the church. To my left were my aunties and uncles, and to my right was Malinda. I never even realized she was there. I had my head down the whole time. Malinda is so great; I just sat there as she constantly rubbed her soothing hand against my back. Malinda is a friend that I wish I will never lose. I love her.

I also looked around the church for my father, but he was nowhere to be found. That wasn’t a surprise. From what it looked like the Jackson family wasn’t there either. I’m glad that they knew better then to show up at my mother’s funeral.

Once the funerals was over the ushers walked over to the casket and proceeded to close the casket. I watched them as I took the last looks of my mother. For a moment it seemed as if time slowed down for a second I took one last look at my beautiful mother, said goodbye, and the casket closed.

At this moment I realized it was all over. Everything I had known in life was all over. I’m all by myself now.

We had a small ceremony at the cemetery then after that everybody went their ways. It’s weird because all those people will just continue on with their lives but I am just beginning mine. This will be new chapter in my life. I’m a new person. I have a new life. For now on, everything will just be about me. I’m all alone now.  I feel as if God has forgotten about me again. I don’t have no mother no more. Everything has just gone dark, just like my dream.

Author's Note

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