Chapter 1

December 21, 2012

 

They said the world was supposed to end today. I have to admit I woke up this morning kind of nervous.  I’m pretty sure almost everybody did .It was all over the news last night.  People were actually giving up all their personal belongings thinking that they’re going to die the next day. Wow. People crack me up in this world. A lady gave every dime she had to a charity. They said she had over 5 million dollars in her bank account. She should have wired me over some of her money. This goes to show you how gullible our society really is. I think we would believe anything that came out the Medias mouth. If Obama said he was a superhero, half of the nation would probably believe it. But to be honest, I actually joined in on the whole the worlds going to end tomorrow fun last night too.

 I texted my baby girl Malinda saying “If we all die tomorrow, I just want to let you know I love you.” Haha! She ate it up. She text me back crying and stuff saying “Oh baby don’t play like that. God doesn’t like that.” She can get so over dramatic when it comes to God sometimes. I have to admit though, she loves her some God. She has reason to. Everything is perfect in her life. She gets good grades, has a loving family, and everybody seems to love her. EVERYBODY! I don’t think I have met one person yet that doesn’t like her. People always come up to me and say stupid things and tell me I’m jealous of her, I don’t think I am. I just don’t think is fair. Let’s not forget to mention that her parents are somewhat wealthy and they live in a mini mansion on the nice part of San Bernardino.

Not saying that the part I live at isn’t nice, her area just has lesser “crime rate” as I should say. I live on the Northern Part of San Bernardino next to the University. It’s a really high class area. The only thing I don’t like about it is when you start heading up the hill and you start to run into the spoiled conceited white people that think they’re better than you because they have more bedrooms or their house is bigger than yours. Those kinds of people annoy me to no end.

 I tend to stay out those kinds of areas though. My mom has forbidden me to go anywhere near them. She said those are the kind of areas where a young black teenage kid like me would be made a target by the police real quick. Sometimes I think she just goes overboard with her whole idea of society and how the government is trying to persecute black people. But its whatever, I give her the respect by just listening and nodding my head. To some extent, some of what she says is true. Like how the police see an African American male walking down the street and automatically target them as a member of a gang or a suspect that they have been looking for. So now because of her beliefs on the whole police hates black people thing, I now have to carry a wallet with my school I.D card in it. So just in case the police ever try to pull me over, I can quickly identify myself and prove to them that I am just another kid trying to mind his own business.

But when all the nagging is done and all the silly talk has gone quiet, I really do kind of like my mom. She has always been there for me. She always tells me I’m never going to meet no one that loves me as much as she does. I would have to agree with her on that one. She is the only one that would put up with my crap in this world. Everyone else can care less about me.  I think she would love me no matter what. At least that’s what she tells me. I always wonder about. When it all comes down to it; is my mother going to be there to protect me. Or is she going to run away and like they did Jesus? But I wonder that about everybody I meet. Because in this world you can’t trust anybody, not even your own people sometimes.

 

 

December 23, 2012

 

I wonder how that lady is doing that gave up all her money thinking the world is going to end is. What an idiot. But that’s typical of our society these days. She was on the news yesterday morning, crying and carrying on. She says she only has about 20 dollars left to her name. Its kind of sad; but as I said before that’s typical of our society.

 As soon as her story came on Malinda called me to talk about it. I figured she would. She’s very into the news like that. She can tell you anything about what is going on in the world today. She says when she grows up she wants to be a journalist. She always goes on and on about her dreams of creating her own newspaper and becoming rich. Whenever she says that I think to myself; “You can’t become something that you already are.” I would never say that to her though. I don’t think she would be able to handle it.

Sometimes I compare my life to Malindas. I don’t know why I do it. I was always end up feeling bad about myself. She’s a straight A student and I’m a student that barely even makes C’s. While I stay here in San Bernardino, she goes and travels around the world to places like New York and France. Everything about her is so positive, and while she is recognized and praised everywhere she goes, I’m looked at as if I’m am the average Joe. Even though I am the average Joe, I want some recognition to. I don’t want to sound like a baby or nothing but what has she done so great. Why does she like me so much? Sometimes I think she’s with me just so she can look better for her image.

But no; that’s not Malinda style; she’s very sweet and down to earth; always talking about God.  I love her so much though, I know some people might think that love is a strong word for a 15 year old teenage to be saying; but most of the people that say that to me are not in love their own selves. So how could they know anything about love? But its whatever, I love Malinda and I’m not taking it back.

Maybe that’s why everything is so great in her life; her having an actual relationship with God. She always tells me to talk to him more and things would get better. But I always find an excuse to get my way out of it.

I truly do believe that there is a God though, there has to be. There’s no explanation for the situations I’ve been in and came out alive or not in trouble. Some people say its luck but if this world was really based around luck; my luck would’ve ran out a  very long time ago. 

People try to base the whole world on science but there is no possible way that science is that perfect. If science is so great that it could create a race of humans they are designed perfect, it could produce chemicals that help us live, create a planet that are perfect enough for us to live in; why is that when a heart has beaten  its last beat they can’t bring it back to beating again. If you could make something; shouldn’t you be able to fix it if it breaks?

That’s because God puts a limit on science.  He controls how much science will explain and accomplish. But for some reason people still can’t see that. That he is the one that controls all everything.

From the beginning of time these great minds such as Einstein and Aristotle has tried to put together the reason on what God is but they never seem to accomplish it. Because they think that they’re superior to God but they can only go so far before they say or admit that they don’t know.  Because they will never know. We weren’t made to know or maybe our mind just can’t handle it. I

I don’t know. It’s all complicated to me. It’s just that everybody has forgotten about God. We have gotten so caught up in this world that we forgot who led us here. Who made all this possible for us. I mean we say it every day in the pledge of allegiance. But we say that every day so now people just say t without even knowing what it actually means. But who am I trying to preach. I’m a hypocrite my own self.  So I guess until I get my life together and I can’t say anything about God.

When Malinda and I got off the phone I rested my head back and thought about my life as a whole. I started to think to myself “What do you want be when I grow up?” If you asked my friends that, I don’t think they would be able to answer you back. Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to either.

It’s weird because I frequently get asked that question when I meet some of my mom friends. My response is always the same thing. “A lawyer”. That’s the only thing I can say. Because if I would say what I really wanted to be, those stuck-up people would look down on me. Because that job doesn’t make enough money in order to be successful. But who are they to tell anybody what successful is, what makes them think that a certain amount of money makes you successful. Most of the people that say that are not successful their own selves. They will never have the amount of money that is supposedly seen as being successful. This is another example of this society and how gullible we are to believe that we need a certain amount of money  in order to live successful. We listen to whatever the medias tells us to do.

I mean really. Who was the idiot that came up with the American Dream idea? Who are they to say that’s how you are considered successful or that’s how you are supposed to be happy. What if some people are happier with an apartment because they don’t want to put with the daily hassle of house? Does that mean that they aren’t successful? Or does it just mean that people listen and believe in whatever the white man tells them to.

It looks like my mom’s friends are just another perfect example of somebody who fell victim to this society. They let society tell them how to run their lives. I guess it’s just a matter of time before I fall victim to this society. Everybody eventually has to.

 

 December 24, 2012

My dad was supposed to come over and spend the night today. Since its Christmas and all, my mom usually lets him come over for the holidays. But it’s weird because he never fails to overstay his welcome.

Sometimes I still wish that he lived with us. But that’s when all the bad memories kick in. The memories of him hitting my mom and watching her cry and not being able to do nothing about it.

Something weird happens to me everything I watch my mom cry or hear her cry. It gives this urge inside of me to do whatever I can to make her stop.

But my mom didn’t just cry from physical abuse; it was emotional to. My dad would leave for days at a time with my mom’s car. Not coming back until he was good and ready. While my mom was gone at work he would stay at home and talk to women on the internet all day. I would hate staying home alone with him.  It almost made me fell uncomfortable.

My dad has a serious problem. DRUGS. They have taken over his body. He has been taking them since he was my age. It’s kind of hard for to accept. But when life deals you cards you just have to play with them and if you lose then you lose and if you win well great for you.

People always come up to me and tell that my dad is going to get better but he isn’t. He’s only getting worse. They tell me just to keep praying but I have reached the point when I realize that in order to help somebody they have to help themselves first. In which my dad refuses to do. He won’t help himself. He wants to be living on the streets. He likes that life, and if that’s how he wants to live then so be it. Life is just too short to be running around other people so that person can change.

Matter in fact; I think it would be best for my dad to stay where he is. I saw things I wasn’t supposed to at an age I ready for. Some of the things I found I showed to my mom and that escalated into a fist fight between those two in my house. Sometimes I found stuff that could of turned my house into a mini war zone. But I decided not to, it would be better off if there was peace and quiet sometime. But that didn’t exist in my house. There was always yelling and fighting and the sound of things breaking against the wall. Police always showed up but never arrested anybody. It was probably the worst years of my life.

It would be so embarrassing for me to approach my friends the next day. I would always try to make an excuse on why they were arguing. Plus my dad would always flirt with the neighbors, so that made it more embarrassing. They people in the neighborhood would look at me as if they felt bad for me; I would feel bad for a kid if he was in the situation I was in too.

I always wondered if my dad ever cared, if he ever cared about how he was affecting his family and the people around him. He had turned into a monster. I hated him. He had abused my mom, messed around with different women, and exposed me to things I didn’t need to see at my aged. Because of him my whole childhood was a nightmare. I would just lie on my top bunk at night and wish that this was just was all a dream. But it wasn’t, it was reality and I had to deal with.

But behind the monster that was my dad, my real dad. The dad that would rarely ever came out that hooribe phase of him acting up. That dad was funny, he always made me laugh. He brought joy to the house and was the most caring person in the world, he still is when he wants to be, when the drugs is out of his system. I love my dad though, I’m the only person left to love him, everybody else has given up on him. He always tells me I’m the only person he loves, everybody else could kiss his butt. That always seems to make me laugh. He said if I wasn’t here there would be no other reason for him still living, In a weird way that makes me actually sort of special. Just think about it, I’m the reason somebody else is living.

I feel as if my dad’s end is coming though, everyone can see it. I’ve been preparing for the day I get the message saying that my dad is dead. I practice it almost everyday.

It’s about 10:00 in the morning and I haven’t heard from my dad in a couple of weeks. My mom gets a phone call an unknown number and about 30 seconds into the conversation she drops and tears run down her face. I come out my room and ask her what is wrong and tells me that my dad has died. I cry for a little bit then say a prayer for. Then we both get up and start calling his family members. 3 days later we have his funeral and then it’s all over, we move on with our lives. But I fear it’s not going to be that easy, death never is easy, unless you never loved the person.

I wonder if I should start preparing for the day my mother dies. I don’t think I would be able to do it. I would lose my mind if something happened to my mother.  Matter of fact I dont want to think about it or write about it anymore. I just can’t handle it.

I always hear that expression “Like father like son.”. Is that a true statement, will I end up just like my dad, make the same choices he made. My dad was naïve, he believed what heard on the radio, he forgot that TV was the fantasy and that this was the real world. He is a perfect example of somebody who fell victim to this society. But will I receive the same fate? Am I going to end up just like my father.

 

 

 

December 29, 2012

 

                A kid was killed at the University down the street from me today. It was on the new this morning when I woke up. They said the kid was a 19 year old black kid, the cops killed him in act of self-defense. This wasn’t making sense to me; there were too many holes in this story. So I called someone who would know all about this story, my beloved Malinda.

                Through her I learned that the boy’s name was James Henderson. He was a freshman at the college and he was walking down the street when the police rolled up on him. The story is that the police pulled over James because he looked like a potential suspect that had been accused of different robberies around the neighborhood. When the policed started to talk to him they said he started to act resentful and not listen to the police. After the police forced James to sit down he jumped back up into the police face. The two officers then grew angryand forced James down to the ground, at this point this is when the police say that James tried to grab for their gun, so according to the officers story that’s why they shot him.

                That was Bullcrap! That story made no sense, even after talking to the kid for 10 seconds a freakin retard would have realized that he wasn’t a suspect. The police were just looking for something to start with somebody. This was making me angrier by the second. Malinda was still on the phone so I had to get a little bit more of information out of her.

“Where they white?” I asked her.

“Huh?”

“Were the officers who shot him white?”

“Why does that matter Ladanian? What does that have to do with anything?”

“It has everything to do with everything! Jesus Malinda; why must you make everything so difficult?!” I yelled.

“Are you serious right now? You need some help. Do you need me to pay for you because God can help you out with everything that you’re going through right now?”

“I’m not trying to hear all that right now Malinda! Just answer my question. Were the officers white?

“Yes Ladanian, the officers were white.  Are you Happy now?

“I’ll call you back later.” I said as I hung up the phone.

                What the heck is this world around me coming to? This has been the tenth killing in the Inland Empire where a cop has killed a African American male in so called self-defense in the last 3 months. Three in Redlands, two in San Bernardino, one in Rancho Cucamonga, one in Rialto, one in Moreno Valley, and another two in Ontario. Doesn’t anybody see what is going on here, the police feel as if they are above the law, as if they can abuse and talk to you any way they want. Then when you stand your ground to them they’re ready to kill you or hurt you. This whole thing is getting out of hand. What are we going to do wait for the police to kill every young black male in the I.E. I guess then will be fine because we won’t have to worry about it no more.

                They took that boys life. He doesn’t get to experience the great things that life supposedly has to offer. The officers don’t even care. They didn’t say nothing about the family in the newspaper. Because they don’t care. The news doesn’t care either. They’re just trying to just trying to take advantage of the hottest story out right now. By tomorrow nobody will even remember this story. Only people left to remember is James family. They’re the only ones left divested by this incident. I bet my bottom dollar you will never hear of the name James Henderson on the news again. NEVER!

                Those cops get to go home to their wife and kids. While they sit at home and enjoy the holidays, James family is mourning for his death.

                It’s a good thing James at least had an I.D on him to prove he was. If he didn’t, the officers could’ve easily taken him to jail. I see now why my mom always makes make me carry a wallet; just in case a situation like this happens, I’m ready to identify myself. I’m going to carry my wallet wherever I go now.

                In times like this the only thing I can wonder is “who’s next?” Who’s going to be next on the cops “self-defense” list. One of my friends? My dad? Me? Will I be walking down the streets one day and the police will decide to pull over and start asking stupid questions only to make me mad. I want to leave this place, I want to live this city, I want to this whole state, I want to leave this Country. I jist want to start new.There’s nothing around me that has a positive future attached to it. All I see when I look around is sex, drugs and get rich quick schemes. I want something different, I want something better, somewhere where my name will be remembered forever, not just a common statistic.

 

January 2, 2013

 

I’m starting to hate it here in San Bernardino. It’s like I’m living in a nightmare. When you drive down the street; all you see is a land of no opportunity; closed down shops, homeless people everywhere, and crimes every way you turn. People get killed out here every day, but were never in the news. The news doesn’t care about what is going on in San Bernardino, nobody does. Nobody cares about the crime and the gangs; because they want us to be killing each other. If government really wanted to end gang violence they would. If the army could go into other countries and completely take it over; then it is nothing for them to stop a couple of their own states to them from killing each other.  Their glad that young black males are killing each other every day; because now we’re making it easy for the government to take us out.

I know I’m starting to sound like my mom, but every day I start to realize more and more that she is right. We are living in a society where we are designed to fail. If we get sucked into its trap there is no second chances or a way out; you lose. This is why we have to beat society at its own game.

That’s what I become to see it as; a game. Because once you lose; its game over; and it is going to do whatever it takes to make you fail. That’s why I have to win this; but the only problems that are against me winning is that now the odds are against me. According to statistics; I’m probably not going to graduate from high school, I’m probably going to have a felony by the age of 17, I’ll probably be on welfare with kids by 21, and I’ll probably be dead by the age of 30. I’ve probably been a part of those statistics since the day I was born into the city of San Bernardino.

Who are those people who write these statistics anyways? Have they ever walked down the streets of San Bernardino? Have they sat down in our classrooms to see what where really being taught every day? Who are they to place somebody into a range of statistics and foretell their future? They don’t know one thing about San Bernardino and what goes on out here. People  just believe what they see on the media; making them another victim of this society?

There’s no more hope for me out here in San Bernardino. There’s no opportunities for me to succeed and to become somebody. I need to go somewhere where people are prospering. Not being broke down more than I am already expected to be.

I know people always feel as if you’re supposed to love where you’re from. But I disagree; I hate it here.

It actually makes me hate even more to go to school. It’s so ghetto and nasty at my school. The average person would think that a school in a nice area like my school is a really great school. But it’s terrible. You can’t even set your stuff down without somebody trying to steal it. Everything is horrible at my high school. Our food is horrible, school cleanliness is super horrible, and even our school sports teams are horrible. Everybody at our school wants to be a gangbanger. They want to be the toughest guy or the person not mess with. They want to have the reputation as if they killed people before and that they would kill you to if you got on their bad side. But these wanna be thugs are nothing near what they say they are. They probably wouldn’t know what to do if they had a gun; and they more than likely never even been to the hood that their trying to claim.

But the other day I visited one of the high school campuses in Redlands; and by my surprise this campus was huge. I actually got lost two or three times just trying to find the gym. But as I looked around I didn’t see one drop of trash anywhere. I walked into the bathroom and it smelled great in there. There wasn’t poop smudged all over the floor and there wasn’t urine leaking out of the urinals. This place was amazing. I walked around campus more and looked into the cafeteria. But when I looked in I actually saw small booths for fast food places. They actually sell food from other stores in the cafeteria. I wish my school would do something like that. Instead we just stand in line all lunch period for food that’s burnt and was never good for us in the first place.

But when the game started at the school I walked into the gym and took a seat on the visitors side. But when I looked up I saw something that will probably change my way of thinking forever. I looked over to the HOME side of the gym and all I can see was nothing but a bunch of white people. They cheered and stomped and screamed but all I could focus was on figuring out where all the black people were. This wasn’t a private school. It was a public school just like mine. But instead of having a majority population of Hispanics and actually lacking the white population like my school is; this school had nothing but white kids. Is this where all the white kids from my high school was going? Where are all the black kids?

This frustrated me kind of; because why was this school better off than mine. My school was built in 1970. The school I visited was built in 2007. So we should be way better off than they are because our school has been around longer. So then I started to do a little research on the school I visited and the city of Redlands, California; and yet again to my surprise I found out that the High Schools in Redlands have a graduation rate at 86.5 and a drop out rate at 7.7. But when I looked up the San Bernardino schools I found out that our graduation rate is at 69.7 and drop out is 21.9 which is the highest drop out rate in the county. This made me sad; it almost made me want to cry. Because now I realize what is going on; those kids in Redlands are expected to do great things. They’re expected to graduate from high school and go onto college. But I guess people expect different from my high school. I would think the same thing if I looked and saw what other people see at Cajon and the rest of San Bernardino. It all you see is a bunch of lazy people and losers who have given up on life. You see homeless people living on the street and abondened buildings that’s been empty for the past 20 years.

Now I’ve been opened to a whole new thing. Redlands and their new high school is a way of starting over. They got tired of being in San Bernardino and our lazy and embarrassing school system so they started over. That high school I visited was built in 2009. So now everybody gives up on my high school and we start to go broke and now everybody invest into the new high school in Redlands. That’s why that school is nice. That’s why that school has the best sports team and has the smartest students with the best reputation.

So now we get left behind while the other spoiled white kids progress forward.

That’s why I have to get out of here. This wrecked town of no opportunity. Because as long as I stay here;  I would just be allowing myself to fall victim to this society. But it’s not like I have much a choice whether I fall victim to this society or not does it? Because I don’t control my future? The government does. I once read a saying that if you want change something change it; but if you can’t change it, change your attitude about it. I can’t change anything about what’s going on out here, so I guess I just have to deal with till the day I get caught in the trap.

In life you are dealt cards, you can’t choose what cards you will be dealt so you just have to play your best with them. Sometimes people will get better cards than you and sometimes they will get dealt with worse cards than you. Some might say that this isn’t fair; but I bet it’s been proven by now that life isn’t fair. I didn’t ask for this life. I didn’t to live where I live. I had no choice. Nobody does. I have no choice on where I am born, or the people I will meet, or anything that will happen in the future. So I guess I just have to play along. Until I fall victim to this society.

Reviews

[Junert]

Wow, a long read. Being successful is being happy and comfortable having achieved what you want. And not everyone dreams of wealth. Some dream to see God. Whites recently are going overboard with racism. Feeling superior. The entire USA is corrupted and satanic. Move dear one, leave quick.

[Brandon Watts]

i need reviews