I won't text you.

Back when I actually cared.

I won't text you because I hate you. I resist the urge to text you because your rules are so very much more important than my feelings. You're selfish and you take what you need, you take parts of me that matter to you and you give me nothing in return. You came and you fucked me up and you left me here in the middle of nowhere in this ethereal box, wherein exists nothing but unrequited feelings and emotions. The worst part is knowing that you were in this box with me at one point... but now you're not. You have rules and thats all you care about. You're willingly trapped in your own comfortable box of selfishness and you won't even open your eyes to look out the window to see that i'm suffocating in the box that you left me in. See, you made a choice. You decided to slowly drift away and I get it. But to be honest, i don't get it. Anyway, i did make a promise to myself that i wouldn't text you again with my constant whining about how much i miss you and how unfair this is to me. So i wont text you, babe. I'll just keep writing a billion paragraphs on how much i hate you, on how much i won't miss you. And when i'm not writing about it i'll think about you, I'll reread old conversations and replay scenes in my head. I do all the time. And i know this is probably the most pathetic thing I've ever said but, I'm not this much of a psycho with everyone, that's just what i became with you and for you and i'm sorry about it. I bet you're done reading stuff like this and i get it, but then i remember you kept telling me how much you wanted me, even if i tend to forget that you're probably the most honest person i know. I had this idea in my head that you wouldn't open up to anyone, and that for the first time in my life, i really needed to fight for someone instead of waiting for someone to fight for me. That you were this closed treasure and that i had to look for the key and win the right to "open you up." I don't know at what point I became so sure of myself to think that I would be able to do it, I know better now. I get it, I understand your reasons and I understand the way you think (kinda). And as much as I trust you, as much as I like to hear your advice and try to stick to them, I think you’ve made a mistake. I think you don’t understand how special this is, how unique and beautiful we could be as “us”, I don’t care really if I have to cry my eyes out in a few months when you say goodbye. I have to admit I think I fell for you, and I know how many rules I’m breaking, and I’m sorry, I get it. But I couldn’t help falling for your eyes and the way you looked at me when we weren’t supposed to be looking at each other. I think I love you as much as your family loves you and as much as I know my family would love you. I have to move on, right? I know, I know, I get it. But I don’t think I’ll be able to. I don't have closure, all I get are these incomplete memories of what could’ve been, of the potential we had and how perfect it would’ve been to me. But I get it, you were used to love and you knew what it felt like and what was supposed to happen but I was new to this. I wanted to learn. I wanted you to teach me. I’ll never have something like you again and that's why I don't think I can just let go. You’re not even perfect, your imperfections, they make me happy even when they make me mad. You’re stupid and an a*****e but I love it. Even though I hate you. You relax me, your presence is like going for a walk to get some fresh air. You’re different from everything I know and yet you’ve become so familiar to me. I think you’re making a mistake, but what if I’m wrong? What if I’m not as special to you as you are to me? What if, you love me, but you just don’t love me enough? What happens, then? What happens is that I have to move on. So, I won’t text you because I hate you. But, actually, I won’t text you because I want to love you so perfectly but you won’t let me love you and I’ll just have to deal with it. Because you’ve made yourself pretty clear, it’s just that I tend to daydream of other realities. And even on my loneliest nights, I still have to resist the urge to text you.
P.S. I’m trying to move on.

Reviews

[Eagle Cruagh]

Love , hate and all the human feelings in between.
You are a genius.
Thank you for an exciting story.
----- Eagle Cruagh

[DoormanDan]

A LOT of people in my school could definitely relate to this! It's well written, and there aren't many spelling or grammar errors in it. You are a great writer!

[Shon Harvis]

this is beautiful because it is the purest of feelings about love and letting go. This is hard for all of us. I am sorry to read that you have to go through this. I won't say things like it makes you stronger or that time heals everything. The truth is love will restore your comfort if not with this one then maybe the next. Never be afraid to open up because you never know when you will allow something good to walk away as it seems as happened to you.