boys

A Poem by Flats

the boy, we'll call him 't' for today, was my first taste of rebellion. it was spicy, a burning sensation of sweaty palms and instant regret. first hugs led to first kisses, the first time he caressed my face was the last of that first summer. his name rolled off of my tongue to others with ease. were we together? will you go to homecoming with me? i can't do this. t's number was in my phone for weeks after we broke it off, the quick and painless action like ripping off the band-aid. i missed being wanted and just took you back faster than you could say "i don't really want you anymore." Pushed into the closet, the words "are we really doing this?" left my mouth just before your lips exploded onto mine like long awaited lust for another's mouth to touch yours. i liked the softness of your lips but they hit like a tsunami on the smallest city of my world and as i called you for the second time to tell you that i really wasn't ready i heard you sigh like a gust of wind just before your voice cracked like an earthquake and for the first time i felt like i had finally broke someone.

let's call this one 'b'. He stung me, like a pinch: there was a mark leftover but it faded quickly. messages received and send about how we'd kiss each other if it weren't for his girl of the week that got in the way and she finally left and i realized that this boy was finally free for the time being. i painted my room outside the lines and he noticed and touched my thigh. his lips met mine, he was saying goodbye. the kiss was soft and his face was scruffy. did i smell bad? I brushed my teeth and gave him pizza but that still wasn't enough for someone who drove to me, we haven't talked since.

trucks made my knees weak and so did J, my inseparable best friend who left traces of feelings everywhere like animal tracks in a field that was just dusted with snow. tingling and tickling like wings fluttering on the tip of my nose, he made his mark on me, he sure did. but three years of silence can make or break a relationship, and our once held together frame was now shattered across the living room floor of a home that once held a family put together. he touched me with guilty hands and left faster than a pure girl at a rave.

life was turning around for me as he is turning me around, kissing my neck and jaw and melting me. 'm' grabs my hands and my head is spinning and i am spinning and spinning and i am needed i feel needed for once, he needs me. he kisses me at the bottom of the stairs and we are listening to dallas and my heart is racing, he grabs my face and my heart at the same time. i fall and he lets me yet i forgive him because he pushed me and i wanted him to. i throw up every stitch of food and every pinch of effort i ever put into you and in the end i was just an object for you to stick your dick in.

i am gluing myself back together, i talk to you at work and jokingly call you pet names almost sure that nothing would happen between us but the silence of the movie is broken and we kiss. youre quivering when you touch me and for the first time i am the first for someone else, shortly and quickly leaving, stabbing him one by one with each step i take further. 's' is hurt.

'k' is behind this wall, just like death is around the corner and i take the chance and jump for it almost praying that i die anyways. it has been a while since another has touched my lips like the way you did, and while it was awkward like sitting alone in a room with someone you hate, i enjoyed every moment of that night whether it was secret or not. she told me i didn't actually like him but hands emerged from his eyes and pulled me in, grasping every significant piece of hair on my head and yanking it. we shared the same breath and his cheeks burned against my neck and left bruises, he strangled me with temporary pleasure and i selfishly accepted when he didn't tell me his middle name.

'r' has no feelings for anyone yet he talked to me on occasion like he knew me, like he cared about my favorite movie and not about the later events that would fill his mind with erotic thoughts and my hand with him. conversations were quiet and meaningless, cutting to the chase would have been a better idea instead of pretending that we cared. i kissed you, your lips landed between my teeth and you deeply inhaled like the vacuum in the back of my mom's car and i didn't stop and neither did you. you grabbed my face like kissing me was the only thing you wanted to focus on ever again but we both knew that you'd drop me like a flower you had picked all of the petals off of. i hit the pavement, the sound of broken bones and promises echoed through the school hallways, and you left.