Unknown

The character faces her conscious mind's curiosity about unconsciousness and death.

Sometimes while I’m driving I wonder what would happen to me if I drifted over to the left side of the road, removing my cold-sweated hands from the leather, letting the car lead me to uncertainty. A crash is completely inevitable for obvious reasons, but death is a mystery. It all depends on how the collision occurs, and in what way your body is positioned inside the vehicle. Belted drivers and passengers typically suffer chest and lower limb injuries, and those not wearing seatbelts often experience severe head and facial injuries. But those without a seatbelt are more susceptible to severe damage to their chest and lower extremities. I always wear my seatbelt.

Maybe I won’t next time.

What happens to your mind when you black out? I’ve never been unconscious, aside from sleep, so that experience exists as a strange and foreign one at that. But consciousness isn’t strange at all; it is something we experience every day, and full consciousness is a state in which the brain processes information in an organized and coherent manner. Anything that disrupts the coherence of processing produces a state of altered consciousness or unconsciousness. Therefore there is essentially only one type of fully conscious state, but there is an enormous variety of possible unconscious states, which are all dependent upon the nature of the disruption. Sedatives are capable of causing unconsciousness, and are created for that purpose. Sometimes when I am experiencing insomnia, I take cold and flu medicine which contains sedatives to fall asleep. Sedatives are a category of drugs that function as central nervous system depressants and slow down your brain activity, causing relaxation and drowsiness. Sedatives affect the neurotransmitter which is gamma-aminobutyric acid, in turn decreasing brain activity.

I wonder what would happen if I took the whole bottle?

The warning label says that the immediate symptoms of an acetaminophen overdose include nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, increased sweating, general weakness, confusion, and stomach pain. But who would  want to experience any of that?

Me, maybe.

If it gets any worse.

Sometimes I feel as though I am drowning in my own self doubt and pain. When you’re drowning, there’s often a large amount of panic. This leads to rapid movements and high energy expense, which consumes more oxygen. At the same time, if the you remain underwater, your body begins to accumulate carbon dioxide. This gas is what stimulates you to feel that need to breathe. Eventually, you involuntarily draw in breaths.

When water reaches the airway, the first response is to cough or swallow the water. This typically results in more water being ingested. As water contacts the lower airways, the throat spasms, trying to seal off the path to the lungs. With nowhere else to go, water frequently finds its way into the stomach. The throat relaxes after you become unconscious. The relaxation allows water to flow into the lungs.

I feel like this every day. But without the knowledge of unconsciousness, I am unable to experience a genuine feeling of drowning.

Sometimes I want to, to end it.

Reviews

[Judy Emery/ Lilly Emery]

Sometimes I feel as though I am drowning in my own self doubt and pain. I can truly understand how this must feel. I wanted to say I like reading your work, thank you for sharing.

[JayG]

This seems more an essay on personal feelings and musings, expressed as a therapeutic device. And as such, it's so deeply personal to the author that there's nothing to react to.

[Jacob Clifford]

I've had many of these thoughts myself. You wrote this story in a way that is very accurate, as well as haunting. The unknown has an indisputable allure.