Two

Aurélie

 

“Aurélie, that isn’t even a word.”

 “It is.”

Anamenalogicaldefinitely isn’t a word.

“And what does this imaginary word mean?” Vivien glanced at me sideways.

I took too long to make something up and she laughed at me; she knew my tricks too well. 

This was our favourite road game. 

It went a little something like this: you say a word, any word - the longer the better. You spell it, you throw in a definition too if you really want to win. Then I say a word starting with the last letter of yours. We would play until someone forgot a spelling or made something up because they couldn’t think of anything profound enough. Normally me. We had all these simple things to keep ourselves entertained in our quiet little life.

“Well it would seem that you have lost, little one.” She smiled at me, taking her eyes from the road briefly. “Again.”

“What’s my penalty?”

“You’ll have to help me at my stall today.”

“We’re working?” I whined. “On my birthday?” I looked around us at the fields at either side of the road. “At least tell me where.”

She shirked my question by nodding a hello to a group making their way along the narrow road beside us. They all looked young like me, walking lazily in pairs. Some of them nodded at her but the rest ignored us.

 

I saw hisface just as we overtook them. I twisted my body to see the last of him and somehow, just that little look found its way into my stomach where it rested like nervous, excited energy. I hadn’t even seen him properly and he hadn’t seen me at all. 

As we slowed to join a queue of cars and farm traffic I waited for them to pass again thinking I might get a better look. This time they caught up with us and stopped alongside. They were busy talking, one of them tapped at the screen of his phone, another listened to something through headphones.

“Shellingham Late Summer Festival.” Vivien said.

“What?” I turned back to her.

“It’s pardon.” She sighed. “I said Shellingham Late Summer Festival. That’s where we’re going. And my dear…” She paused, placing a hand on my knee and leaning closer. “You’re not at all subtle.’ She winked at me, leaning back and leaving me to blush. 

I tried to watch them from the corner of my eye, glancing without really looking. Trying to see the one face that had stood out to me. I couldn’t find him. 

“What is it you’re trying to do exactly?” she asked.

“Trying to see him. He’s familiar. But also not.” I looked back at her, realising I’d said more than I meant to. But she was just smiling. A real smile. “I need a better look.”

“You’ll have to get his attention.” 

“How do I do that?”

“Well you earn it, dear.”

It was almost a challenge. 

I stood up and climbed onto my seat as Vivien urged Hemingway forward again; the whole queue moved in a stop start motion. I hoisted myself up onto the roof and walked along the top of it until my bare toes touched the very edge. I suppose I was feeling more reckless than usual and a little bit special because today I was sixteenand everything was going to change. Starting with these kids, these young people like me that I thought I could make friends with. Sure, I was a little different to them, my skin a shade darker, my accent a strange concoction. But for a second I felt free in the face of some kind of normality and my differences meant nothing.   

“Hey, jump down, I’ll catch ya.” A voice called up to me as the wagon jerked forward again, he held out his arms readying himself as if I might fall at the sight of his grin. It wasn’t him. I sort of smirked back, my body swaying a little with the wagon’s movement. “My name’s Reggie,” he called again. “What’s yours?”

I pretended to think about it for a moment, and then I held my hand up and lifted my middle finger at him as each of his friend’s faces changed. Surprise, then amusement, maybe even ridicule. I wasn’t really sure what I’d just done. I didn’t know what it meant except that it probably wasn’t what I thought and I didn’t care. They all laughed at me as a wide smile broke across my face. 

“What on earth are you doing, child? Where did you learn that?” Vivien craned her neck back while trying to urge Hemingway forward as car horns blared at us for moving too slowly.

I dropped my hand and my smile and stepped back from the edge.  They were nudging each other, talking about the strange girl on the roof and mocking Reggie because he’d beenburnedwhatever that meant. All but one of them �" the one I didn’t think had noticed me earlier. The one who’s face I wanted to see. He definitely noticed me now. 

He was surprised, he raised his eyebrows and then he just laughed to himself silently before letting it turn to a grin. He couldn't look away. Our eyes stayed fixed until the wagon moved along and there was nothing more to see. My forehead creased as I realised I didn’t know his face. So why was my stomach churning?

Vivien shot me a sideways look as I sat down beside her again. She must have wished that I was still in that phase of pulling stupid faces to make friends �" I used to poke out my tongue and stretch my nostrils. That’s the kind of thing that got people’s attention when I was eight. 

 

We followed the line of traffic into a field and lurched to a stop as I jumped to the ground with a thud.

“I won’t always be here to keep you out of trouble you know?”

“But you said…”

“There are a million better ways to get attention. Maybe I didn’t teach you as well as I’d thought.”

“Does it mean something bad? Gwen did it to you once.”  You can learn a lot by observing conversations you aren’t supposed to hear or see.

“What am I to do with you, Aurélie?” She sighed as she stepped down to the ground.

 “Hey Vivien, we come here last year, didn’t we?” I looked out into the field ahead of us.

“Just briefly.” She answered me in that way that meant she didn’t want to go into detail. Like it wasn’t important.

“But we don’t go back.”

She didn’t answer at first. “This time we have.” She made it seem to normal. “Gosh, you are full of questions today aren’t you, Skylark? There’s good money here. That’s all.”

She made her money by reading fortunes. By tricking people into thinking she could answer their questions with a set of old cards and mysterious coins engraved with triangles and birds. And people fall for it every time; she’s convincing. I told you she was a liar. 

“You make money and I, what?”

“Make friends.”

It was an order. 

She kept her eyes on me for a while; she could read the shock on my face. It wasn’t exactly the kind of instruction I was given every day. 

“There’ll be a bonfire tonight. Plenty to do.”

“But I won’t know anyone.”

“My darling, when have you ever let that stop you doing anything?” I stayed silent. “I think you’ve already made an impression anyway.”

Now she was mocking me. 

***

The summer festival was nothing like I remembered. It was brighter. Louder. Distracting. I followed a crowd of people underneath a large hand-painted Welcomebanner into the top end of an endless field surrounded by trees and green hills. I was greeted by rows of carts and stalls making up a section called Market Streetwhere fresh fruits, flowers and vegetables were grouped by colour in wooden crates and wicker baskets to make a rainbow blanket that caught everyone’s eye. I was more distracted by the smells, peach juice, ripe nectarines and red apples. I took in deep scooping breaths that made me hungry. 

“Apple for you, Miss?”

The old man held out a deep red apple in his wrinkled hands as I stared at his face as his glasses slipped down the bridge of his nose.

“How much?”

“Only a smile.” He winked at me as he pushed his glasses up and I took it from him with a grin. Everyone seemed so friendly, smiling at me in a way that no one ever did.

The Wonderland was still empty. Soon there would be queues of children buying sweets and playing the games but for now, the carousel sung haunting lullabies; it’s golden horses frozen still. 

“Dunk ‘em tank.” I mouthed the words on the sign and frowned. “Slip and slide.” 

I bit into my apple as I walked away, letting juice spill down my arm. I leant on the bandstand in the centre of the field as I tried to wipe away the sticky juice. Bunting flapped above me in the wind and distracted me again. Someone left unmanned instruments propped against the lattice edges: a guitar covered in peeling stickers, a bass, a cello, a violin, banjos and an accordion all waiting for their players. I smiled at the hand-painted sign that rested against the hay bales laid out as seating near to the makings of a bonfire.

Come one, come all

Come drink ‘til you fall

The scent of earth and farm animals from nearby quickly mingled with the fruit and flowers, I had wandered into the busy, bustling farmers market. 

“Kid you’re going to have to move or help, but you can’t wait there.”

My stare fell straight onto the man’s face as he lent his body out of the Land Rover window. He was dirty from a morning’s work and his voice impatient. I was in the way, surrounded by people unloading trailers and ushering scared animals into their pens. 

“I..” I couldn’t answer. I thought everyone was watching me and my body tightened. I’d forgotten every English word and I muttered the French versions under my breath but it did nothing to remind me how to simply say sorry. It was too late anyway.

“We don’t have all day,” he shouted. “Which is it going to be?” He roared the engine and started to reverse into my spot and I leapt away quickly. Half angry, half speechless. Definitely a little overwhelmed. I recognised the laughter around me, I knew one of the voices, Reggie was it? and all of his friends from the road. Allof them. I thought they were laughing at me but when my common sense came back, and my command of the English language with it, I realised that no one had seen me at all. No one watched. No one listened. No one noticed. Not even him.

Honestly, I wanted himto notice me. But just him. I wanted to see him up close to get a better look and to understand what the knot in my stomach was. So instead of leaving I stayed and stared a little longer, I thought the harder I looked the more he would feel it. It doesn’t work like that but I pretended it did. 

He turned away from his friends and tucked his gloves into his back pocket before running a hand through his mess of hair. It rested in a casual bed-head sort of way. Short at the sides and back but longer on top where it lay in a pile of lazy, almost-curls that fell forward over his forehead.  There was something about the hint of ruggedness, something about the broad shoulders and slim body. Something about all of him. 

I couldn’t force him to look but I couldn’t force myself to look away either. 

Even though I was supposed to. 

Nothing like that had happened before. Nothing. Never.

I walked away quickly with a tickle of heat all over me and a smile that wouldn’t leave, even as I reached Vivien. 

“Well don’t you look happy.” 

She had set herself up amongst the other stalls full of things for sale. She was selling her lies right in between the woman selling beautiful handmade clothes and the couple selling candles, herbs and incense. I said nothing as I sat beside her. She’d draped her table with her usual lace cloth and decorated with crystals, coins and tarot cards placed in patterns that meant something more than I bothered to understand. The hand-painted sign hung from the wooden roof just as it always did:

The answers you need are written in the stars, only for me to read. 

The first question is free….

The rest would come at a price. 

I took an obnoxious bite into the browning flesh of my apple, then another and another, filling my mouth with it to distract myself from the heat in my face. When my mouth was so full I could hardly breath, I noticed the two of them. Himand a friend I hadn’t seen before, walking casually along the line of stalls heading straight for us. My eyes widened and I chewed faster, trying to swallow great chunks of apple before they saw me. My eyes watered as the fruit clogged in my throat and dragged downward leaving a burn in my chest. I wiped at my mouth as I pushed the apple into Vivien’s lap.

“What are you doing?” She watched as I sat upright in the chair and then relaxed again, then on third thought sat upright again. I pushed my hair from my shoulders and then pulled it back to where it was. It was easier when my instinct was to hold up a middle finger in some kind of hilarious salute that I didn’t understand. 

“I have a question.” His friend announced their arrival. “Ben Cousin-Stone.” He held out his hand to my Aunt. “But you already knew that right? Cause, you know. Psychic.” He rested a finger on his temple. Ben was freckled and ginger haired. There were holes in each of his ears that you could almost see right through and a silver stud in his bottom lip. 

“Ask me anything.” My Aunt smiled her charming sellers smile, flashing teeth and a friendly glint in her eye.

I glanced beyond him at his friend stood behind. He twisted something in his hands as he half listened, until the rest of their group approached and stole all of his attention. They joked, pointing at the girls gathered at the field entrance. Girls who were all beautifully made up in a way that made them look effortless. I knew there was a skill to that, to fitting in and standing out all at once. 

“Well not anything, surely th-” 

I tried to listen to Ben and Vivien’s conversation but I was imagining myself in the same clothes as the girls - ripped denim shorts and loose thin t-shirts with scribbled slogans across the front: 

C’est La Vie

Young & In Love

Just Don’t Give a What? 

Styled hair, straw hats and sunglasses. I was sodifferent to them in my lace dress with thick, messy hair, smudged dark eye make-up and too many of Vivien’s costume rings on my fingers. 

“…want to know…daughter’s …party tonight.” Ben had turned to me and now they waited for an answer to a question I hadn’t really heard.

“It is your birthday.” She prompted me with a nudge.

Wait. What did I miss? I tried to remember what he’d said and I looked at him cluelessly. 

“So what are you saying, Birthday Girl?”

“She’s not my mother.” I spat out the words without thinking and I felt my nose wrinkle at the sound of it. Not as friendly as I meant to sound, not even the words I meant to say. Such an idiot.

He laughed at me a little. “Pretty sure that’s a yes, right?” He tried to read my face for an answer, leaning in a little and squinting. “It’s a yes. I’m taking it as a yes.”

I tried to smile at him as he turned to join the group. They looked at him for some kind of update and he laughed as he spoke. “Yes, mate.” he said to all of them. One of his friends wrapped an arm around his neck and ruffled his ginger hair with playful aggression. He’d achieved something, and I was still just trying to swallow my apple. 

Vivien flashed a smile at me, she was too polite to laugh but she might mock me later. 

“Was he the one you…”

“No.” I snapped.

There was pride in her smile, an encouragement that I took hold of. 

“Don’t say another word.” I shot her a look and she turned her head back to the field, letting something catch her attention and invite a mischievous grin as she looked back down to her book.

“This is for you,” he said as he dropped a small paper flower into the money dish on our table. His voice startled me and I turned toward it. It wasn’t Ben this time. Wasn’t Reggie. This time, it was him.

I lost my thoughts. My voice. Just for a moment. Everything stilled leaving just me and my heartbeat.

There was a smirk in his voice, he was a little hoarse, sort of English �" but the way he said Disinstead of Thismade him sound a little Irish too. Why was I so focused on the details?  “Happy birthday.” He nodded at me once as he said it, letting the corner of his mouth rise in a subtle smile as he stepped backward, hesitated and then turned to catch up with his friends. 

My god, he was something. I could have stared at him all day. 

“Nowyou’ve caught his attention.” She kept her eyes on her page as I picked up the cigarette paper twisted into a flower. 

Someone had definitely caught mine.

 

***

I passed the day behind that wooden cart because for the first time in my life I was a little intimidated and it made me quiet. This place was full of boys and girls that knew how to have fun and I could imagine how it would go if I jumped into the middle of it in all my awkward, alien glory. They’d look at me like I was a wildling that had crawled out of the undergrowth. And isn’t that what I was? I’d seen that look before, that what-is-this-creaturesort of bemusement. Teenagers weren’t the same as children who used to think I was fascinating and somehow magical. But at some point my body had grown up without me and now that fascinating, magical child was just…peculiar. A mismatch. But still my Aunt forced me out of the wagon that night.

The bonfire burnt bright ahead as the sweet sound of laughter hung in the air among the curling flames that spat fiery stars into the sky. I stared into the grass as I walked through the much emptier field, the ground was damp, colder, but I could barely feel it. The heat from the fire hummed over my skin, the excitement and the nerves too as I moved closer to the dim flicker of gas lamps placed beside hay bales and along the makeshift bar. I felt a little bolder the closer I got, which was strange. I took confident steps towards a shadow of dancing bodies moving in a cluster to an unfamiliar song, their faces illuminated by the fire glow. 

 

“A drink for the birthday girl?” A voice drifted in my direction and Ben held out a glass of amber brown liquid. So many stares fell on me as the question floated in the space between us all. A group of them had spread out on the floor, talking, laughing, some of them wrapped around each other. Drunk and recklessly in love. 

Hesat amongst them, perched on a hay bale with his elbows leaning on his knees as he smiled at someone’s conversation. He saw me standing there with a glass hanging in front of my stupid face and I pretended I could feel him daring me; there was a hint of menace in his eyes as they caught the orange of the flame and I looked back at the drink. Ben’s bright smile stretched and distorted through the glass. He was daring me too.

“First time for everything, right?” I shrugged as I took it from his hand just as a look of worry formed across his face.

“Wait…” He stopped, watching me as I tossed back my head and let the syrupy thick liquid coat my mouth and throat. 

Disgusting.

It had a burn, a smooth heat that rushed through my body followed by an aftertaste that made my eyes water. 

I wanted more. 

“Ok then.” Ben nodded once in approval. “To the birthday girl,” he called, raising a glass into the sky. The group cheered, not even knowing why or who for and I was foolishly proud of myself. I glanced back to him,now sitting with a quiet smile across his lips as he raised a glass to me, only to me. I held out my glass again narrowing my eyes to read the label as Ben poured out more. 

“Bourbon Whiskey.” I mouthed it to myself like I was revising. Life lessons. 

“How about we dilute this one, huh?” He filled the glass with a black liquid that fizzed and bubbled.

“Why?”

“Just let me try and be the responsible one for a change.”

“Ok Ben.” I smiled like an excited kid and drank again.

The second coating was sweeter than the first and I drank it fast. So fast that my vision grew cloudy as my head lightened. Some of the group began to move, the song had changed to something new, something louder. All these new faces and new sounds surrounded me and I could do nothing but smile. 

“Dance with me?” His voice came from behind me, a whisper in my ear. His breath caught my cheek, he was so close. I froze, nervous and excited all at once. The warmth between us made my breathing heavier as it reached for me, I had never felt anything like it. A ringing in my ears and a frantic heart. I turned to face him. I didn’t even need to think about it. I probably should have. Strangers were bad, I knew that. But I often forgot it and did what felt right anyway.

The flames flared higher and I flinched at the ripping sound it created. They’d been dowsed in lighter fluid and it made them wild; brighter, fiercer. But not just the flames, me as well. They cast a perfect backlight to the repetitive, urgent piano sound that drifted through the crowd. Someone turned up the volume, blasting the persistent baseline that laced through the gravelly vocal. It pulsed through me, a palpable thrill of hearing this combination of sounds for the first time. It made me want to move. 

The heat from the fire layered itself against my skin, starting at the exact spot where my necklace rested and then spreading. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes and let my body move slowly along with the steady hypnotic sound, curling it with the flames and lifting my arms into the air as I rolled my hips and let myself wind around the beat. 

I caught his gaze as his eyes wandered over me. I was just a mysterious girl dancing slowly in the fiery rain that spat into the air around us. A mysterious girl that was seducing him without even meaning to. 

Shadows passed over his face as he moved closer and I wanted to touch him. We were surrounded but I could only see him. 

My thoughts weren’t my own; I was feral. 

He was watching me as I moved in my lace dress that teased over my curves and made me seem so much older than I was, so different. I felt different. I had never felt as good as I did then. 

I turned my back to him, he was just inches away. 

I could barely think, barely remember who I was. My senses were veiled in Bourbon and there was nothing but the music, the warmth from his body mixing with mine, and the bonfire beside us that seemed to fuel me. His hand on my hip followed the shapes I was making as he leant himself into me, his chest pressing against my shoulder blades as I stroked his body with mine. I rested the back of my head on his right shoulder and he angled his head lower, his breath on my neck as he bit his lip and watched me moving. I had no idea what I might be doing to him then, but I liked having this hold on him without even trying.

I raised my arm toward his head, bending my elbow and curling my hand onto the back of his neck. Our chests rose and fell together, our breathing shallow and expectant as I turned back to face him and let his hand find the small of my back. I ran my hand from his neck, over the subtle curve of his biceps and I noticed how our lips were separated by nothing but my hesitation, only a fraction apart as the music began to fade. 

I couldn’t remember getting that close to him. 

As it fell silent, it was easier to feel the weight of his hand against my back and the warmth of his skin against my own hand, which had stayed too long. I swallowed, blinked, realised. I knew he saw it as I backed away, taking one step, then two and then turning my back completely. I ran away as the Whiskey veil slipped and the flames weakened. The world came rushing back - the other people, a new song nothing like the last. 

I glanced back, I shouldn’t have. He was silent, staring, watching me running like I was ashamed. Maybe he was even a little annoyed. He must have thought I was just a scared little girl. I wasn’t. I was excited and the excitement took me by surprise. It was so new. I had no place there, it wasn’t my world but something had gripped us and we had no idea what.