Denial felt so good.

And you still haunt me. I get the chills when I think of myself cowering there. And you towering over me.
When will all this go away?
Will it ever go away?
Will I ever let it go?
Can I?
Because I am tired of catching myself - - checking my rear view mirror for your car. Looking over my shoulder in public places. Feeling pressed for time wherever I go.

I can't. I can't live like this. Always running. Hiding. Paranoia washing over me. Because this - - this is paranoia. And yet I can't heal it. Nobody can. Time hasn't.

Do you see? Look what you've done. Did you ever stop to think how this would affect me, even years later? Of course you didn't. You didn't know better. You don't know better. I deserve this; you kept telling me that.

And I don't hate you for it.
I could hate you.
I should hate you.
But I need to be rational (Do I?)

Fact is - - you had a difficult childhood. Nobody cared (I did. I do.). There is something wrong with you. Trauma. A chemical imbalance in the brain.

Excuses, excuses.
You know i'll always give you one.

I don't forgive you. What you did is unforgivable.

"You fucked him, didn't you? I saw you looking at him". I didn't. Not even close. We didn't speak for years. He was my best friend.

"I want a written report every night, of every little detail of your day". Who I talked to. Where I went. Who I looked at. Who looked at me. Who smiled at me. Who I sat next to in class. When and why did I go to the bathroom. Who texted me. Who called me. Where the f**k did they get my number?

And you never missed a thing. God forbid I did.

Alarm bells go off in my head now when I sense jealousy. Protectiveness.

And where were you
when I swallowed. Regurgitated. Swallowed every pill I could find.
When they had that tube down my throat.
When I waited. waited. waited three excruciatingly long days in that cold hospital room.
Where were you
as I doubled over in pain. When I saw the blood trickle down my legs.
When I suppressed screams and sobs so my parents wouldn't know.
When I mopped up the bloody mess. threw away my clothes. wrapped my little girl in a towel and buried her in the sunflower-print box you gave me.

I grew tired of waiting. I did want to help. I loved you. I was never in love with you. I didn't want to leave without getting you help. Walk away knowing that you still hurt.

I will never
change you.
I've let it go.
Can you? Can you let me go?

Reviews

[Kairi_Lynn]

Wow I feel the powerful emotions figured into this poem, they are strong and real, I`ve been through something like that.
It hurt I swore I was in love, but time had changed my blind eyes,
soon I saw what my friends did.
He was a fraud,
He was a liar.
And now I hate him.
Now and Forever.

I`ve sience then been this way tword my boyfriends,
now I have a husband.
I will leave my abusive home soon.
Though, all this happiness,

My paranoia still lingers.