Akuma Hunters Chapter one

A rewrite of Akuma Hunters

Somewhere in the 16th century Japan between Yamashiro and Kawatsi high on Mount Ikoma. The riders had difficulty navigating the terrain due to the slippery and dangerous mud. The fierce wind and heavy rain made it difficult to stay upright, and visibility was reduced due to the driving rain. Despite these challenges, the riders and their horses continued, their heads bowed down against the storm. Each horse was laden with basic supplies which included sleeping rolls, blankets, supplies in their saddle bags and weapons which hung from their saddles. The rain and wind made it treacherous underfoot, and the mud was so slippery that it was difficult to maintain a secure footing. Despite the difficult conditions, the riders and their horses were determined to make it safely to their destination, with all their supplies intact.

"We must find shelter!" A young woman yelled above the roaring wind, urgency in her voice. She glanced around, hoping to find a safe haven for them and the horses.

Ahead of the group Kato had his own dilemma. The rain had caused the ground to become sodden with mud and it was difficult for Kato to keep his balance as he walked. The extra weight of the horse and its movement only made the task of staying upright even more challenging. Despite the difficult conditions, Kato kept his composure, gently guiding his horse with an encouraging word. He suddenly stopped speaking to the horse and listened, thinking he heard a faint voice through the howling wind. Uncertain if it was his imagination or if the sound was real. He paused, straining to listen. He stood there, silently waiting and listening, but the only sound he heard was the wind and the rain. As he looked down the trail, he could see the young woman struggling to lead her horse up the saturated trail. He watched for a moment as she bounced up and down in the saddle trying to make it move forward. He felt a pang of pity for her and hesitated, debating if he should offer to help. He looked for somewhere to tie up his horse. He found on the cliff wall a sturdy root growing out of the rock. Pulling on the root it seemed to hold up well, so he began to tie the reins through it. Stupid woman he thought to himself whilst wrapping his wet gi tighter around his torso. Heaving a deep sigh, he trudged forward, determined to help the woman despite the weather and the treacherous terrain.

He was aware of the dangerous situation he was in, and was taking all the precautions necessary to ensure his safety. He held on to the rock face for stability, and when he reached the horse he used the bridle for an extra layer of support to keep himself from slipping. He then steadied himself, looking into her eyes as he spoke words of comfort and assurance.

His hair was so long that it was dripping onto his face, obscuring his vision. He pushed the strands away with one hand, clearing his vision and allowing him to get a better look at the woman. He was mesmerized by her presence, with her delicate features and the rain that glistened off her skin. He was in awe of her beauty and the way her kimono seemed to perfectly accentuate her figure. Despite his initial awe, he quickly regained his composure and offered to help her with the horse. He asked if she was okay and if he could do anything to help her in her current situation.

"Really, you think I am having trouble with my mare. What gave you that idea?

"Well... I saw you...

She cut him off just before he could answer. "Yes, I am having issues with my horse so is everybody else."

Kato looked down the trail. He could see the travellers struggling to keep their horses going. "What do you want me to do about it? I can't help the weather and the conditions. "

"That's just the issue our horses can't manoeuvre over this sodden trail, we must rest somewhere for the night."

"I see and where would you like to rest as you can see there is nowhere to rest here."

The young woman looked either way, and Kato was right. To one side was the cliff face and to the other was a grassy verge. She took a deep breath and stepped her horse forward onto the grass, a small but daring act of defiance. She could feel a chill in the air, as the wind was whipping her hair and clothes in all directions. Even from where she sat the drop was immense, and she could not imagine how deep it must be.

He spotted a small, smooth stone and quickly picked it up. He studied it in his hand, feeling the coolness of the rock, and smiled. He knew it was the perfect one for what he had in mind. He walked over to where the grassy edge started and tossed the stone over the edge. They both listened as the stone fell. All they could hear was the clacking against the rocks as it fell. After a few moments the clacking stopped. Kato looked back at the young woman.

With a graceful movement she slid from the saddle, keeping her body close to the horse's back to maintain balance. Once she was nearly off the horse, she quickly swung her other leg over and stepped away. She walked over to Kato who was stroking her horse's nose, admiring the beauty and grace of the animal. "How did you know that?"  

"I know these lands better than anyone. That's why I am your guide - I understand the terrain, the climate. I can help you navigate the land and stay safe. You didn't think I would just take your money and not provide the service I promised, did you? I'm here to help you, and I'm going to do my best to make sure you and the rest of the group have a safe and successful journey. I have been doing this for a while, so I know the quickest and safest route to take to Kawatsi. I never said it was the easiest route, but it is the safest. Taking the easier route may mean more time on the road, which means more exposure to danger. So, if you want to get to Kawatsi safely, the best way is to take the trail to the top." Kato put a hand into his trouser pocket and pulled out a handful of grain and gave it to the young woman's horse.

The young woman watched on as Kato fed her horse, a gesture of kindness she had not expected. She thanked him for his generosity. "So, do you have a name? Or do I just call you the guide?"

"My name is Kato Nobu and yours?"

"I am Suki Ume," she said. "I am travelling with my sister Fukuda. She is two years younger than me." She pointed out her sister, who was talking to one of the other travellers. Her sister looked identical to Suki although they were not twins. "We are travelling to Kawatsi to start anew." Suki looked away from Kato. He noticed her hands trembling slightly. She was clearly scared but was trying to put on a brave face. Not knowing what to do he thought it best not to press her further. He offered a reassuring smile and said, "I'm glad you and your sister have each other. It must be comforting to have someone in a strange place."

After the horse had finished eating the grain from Kato's hand, he gently patted the horse's neck and said, "Come on now, let's get you up this trail." He took the horse by the bridle and began to lead the horse up the muddy trail. Suki walked by Kato's side until he reached his horse. He gave Suki back the reins to her horse and said, "Take it slow and steady. Your horse will be fine, just give him time." He returned to his horse and untied the reins, and then began to lead the horse up the trail. Suki walked beside Kato, providing moral support and guidance. As they reached the top of the trail, Kato gave the horse one last pat and said, "Well done, old friend."

"Suki." Kato spoke softly. "I hope you find what you're looking for in Kawatsi." He reached out and gently touched her shoulder. "Good luck."

Suki not looking at Kato, paused for a moment before mounting her horse as she whispered, "Thank you."

. . .

The wind had died down as they had ascended the hill, allowing the group to make it to the top of the hill more easily. Kato was waiting for the rest of the group to catch up and join him at the summit. As the group reached the summit, Suki was the first to make it followed by her sister and the man she had been talking to, and three other men.

The terrain was rocky, barren and largely inhospitable, making it difficult for vegetation to take root and survive in the region. The few shrubs that were able to grow were likely due to pockets of soil that were holding enough moisture to support them. Suki looked at Kato incredulously and asked, "Is this your idea of a joke? This terrain looks like it's impossible to live on. You said there would be shelter once we reached the summit. I don't see any shelter in sight just rocks upon rocks."

"This is no joke. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about - the shelter is just beyond these rocks. I'm not exaggerating - I'm speaking from experience. I've been on these trails many times before, and I know where the shelters is located. You're welcome to travel alone to Kawatsi, otherwise keep your doubts to yourself." Kato had been through these trails many times in the past and had a deep understanding of the terrain and its features. His experience and knowledge of the trails gave him the confidence to assure Suki that his claims were true.

"Who do you think you're talking to? With an attitude like that I am surprised you have any business at all."

"Really is that what you think? I'm sorry to hear that," Kato said, looking at the group. "But if that's what you truly believe, then it's best for you to go your own way to Kawatsi. If anyone else feels the same as Suki does." He pointed out the young woman before continuing on. "Then I think it would be best for you to pursue your separate ways from here on out. It is not in my interest to have problematic relations within this group. However, you're more than welcome to travel with me and those who want to. But if you choose to do so, I wish you the best of luck on your journey to Kawatsi." He looked at Suki once more before heading off towards his horse.

Fukuda walked up to her sister and offered her a shoulder to lean on. "I'm here for you," Fukuda said gently.

Suki nodded wiping tears from her eyes. "Fukuda... Do you think I was wrong for my outburst? "

"What I think is that we are all exhausted, cold and wet and what we need is some rest. Come on, let's have something to eat by a warm fire then we can have a sound night's sleep. After a good night's rest, we'll be ready to tackle whatever challenges the day may bring and put this all behind us." Fukuda took Suki's horse by the bridle and began to catch up with the rest of the group. Suki followed close behind.

. . .

Kato and the group eventually reached the spot they were hoping for. The group had arrived at the campsite they had heard about. It was clearly a remote area, with no signs of life, and only two tents as evidence that someone had been there before. Despite the remote location, the group was pleasantly surprised to find the campsite had already been prepared for them, with two tents made of timber and ox hide. The group wondered where he had gotten the materials to build the tents, as there was no sign of human habitation for miles, and no other resources available to build them. Despite the inclement weather, the group was thankful that the tents provided them with shelter from the rain. One of the tents was set up to house their horses, as it had a trough and a hitching post. It also had some dry wood which had been stacked neatly under the tent. The other tent was set up as a makeshift bedroom, with blankets and mats strewn across the floor. There was also a small cooking area, with a pot and pan, some tins and other utensils. Kato had also brought along some food for the journey, so the group had a few supplies to get them through the night.

Kato was familiar with the area and had the necessary tools and materials to set up camp quickly, as evidenced by the fact that he had the wood, tents, trough, and hitching post already prepared. This indicates that he had likely brought those items with him from his previous trip, and had simply left them at the campsite for his current visit.

"Home sweet home." Kato seemed content to be back at the campsite, showing his appreciation for his horse with a gentle pat and securing him to the post with a comforting assurance. His horse snorted, Kato began to pour a bucket of grain into the trough, at the same time his horse began to eat.

While Suki and the rest of the group hitched their horses next to Kato's. The sound of the horses munching on the grain in the trough, and the feeling of being safe and secure, filled the air with a sense of peacefulness. "So Kato where did you get the materials to build these structures?" Asked Suki.

"From Takayasu below the mountain." Kato had collected the wood and nails from Takayasu, the small village below the mountain, and with his own two hands, he had built the structure that housed the horses and the grain trough.

"Hang on there's a settlement below, so why aren't we staying there for the night?"

"We can go there if you like, however I would not advice it in this weather I will be leaving for Takayasu once this weather has cleared so for tonight, I recommend it if you camped here with the rest of the group."

One of the other travellers who had just unloaded his bed roll from his horse spoke up. "He is right why put us in any more danger when we can rest up here, we have been travelling for half a day. "Let's make the most of this opportunity and stay here for the night," he suggested. He is our guide, and he knows the land better than anyone here. "It would be wise to trust our guide and stay here for the night." He looked over to Kato. "How far is Takayasu?"

,Kato was intimidated by the man's size and presence, and the intimidating scar on his face only added to the effect. His tied-up hair in a top knot gave him a menacing look, making Kato even more apprehensive. Despite his fear, Kato managed to muster the courage to suggest that the journey from here to Takayasu should take no more than four ri, if they set off at first light.

The heavy-set man turned to Suki. "If I were you, I would stay here and continue tomorrow, but the choice is yours."

"What's your name?" Suki asked.

"My name is Haru Okamato."

"Well, it's nice to meet you Okamato, as much as I will take your advice on board, I think I will stay for a short time to rest and eat then I will continue on to Takayasu. I should make it by early morning if I leave shortly. " Suki removed some food from her saddle bag and picked up some wood to build a fire. She walked over towards the fire pit. Laying the wood in a crisscross pattern she began to striking her flint to ignite the tinder.

Kato watched on as Suki walked away. "Some people you can't tell what a mistake they are making."

"I agree, do you think she will make it to Takayasu by early light?"

Kato began to walk away but before he did, he stopped to answer Okamato."I think she will, however she will not make it in one piece."

. . .

Suki was attempting to start a fire with her sister Fukuda. They had placed the kindling into the fire pit with some of the thicker logs. She struck two pieces of flint together to try and make a spark. Despite their efforts, they were unable to generate a spark due to the dampness of the environment. The humidity from the rain had caused the kindling to become too wet to light. As both sisters sat around the pit Fukuda asked Suki if she could try lighting the fire. Suki agreed and handed the flint to her sister. Fukuda attempted to light the fire again but with no success. After several more tries, it became clear that the kindling was too wet and the spark from the flint could not ignite it.

"Suki will you really leave later to head down the mountain to Takayasu?"

"Yes, I will be leaving as soon as we can light this fire and have something to eat."

"I wish you would reconsider. I would rather us leave together and not alone."

Suki looked at Fukuda. "Then why don't you come with me. It would make the journey much easier knowing that I have my sister with me."

"I can't Suki I have to stay here and leave in the morning."

"Why? You don't owe them anything. We have been travelling with them since we left Yamashiro, and you know were going to depart from them when we reach Kawatsi. So why don't we leave them now while we can."

Fukuda stopped striking the flint and looked at Suki. She placed the flint down and held her hands upon Suki's. "Dear sister are you that blind? Aren't you seeing that Kato is the only one who knows this terrain and has experience traveling through treacherous mountain passes. Without his guidance, we would risk getting lost and never make it to our destination. Therefore, I implore you to stay with us until we reach Takayasu and then we can plan our journey to Kawatsi."

"Take a look around you, Fukuda. What do you see? As I look around me, I see cheats, liar's, thief's and murderers, and I cannot associate myself with them. I am sorry Fukuda, I have taken things as far as I can. I cannot stay here any longer, so I must be on my way."

Fukuda let go of Suki's hands and picked up the flint, starting to strike them together. "Fine you do it your way leave. She looked up at Suki, her eyes narrowing as she asked, "Where is Takayasu, and how do you plan to get there without knowing the way?"" With that she struck the flint harder than intended and the force caused the flint to spark much brighter and it caught the wood and set it ablaze.

"Look Fukuda you did it you made fire."

Fukuda looked down and saw a flame was burning. She nurtured it quickly blowing gently on it to provide it with enough oxygen it needed without blowing it out, then all of a sudden it raged into a mighty fire. Fukuda watched with awe as the flame grew and spread, weaving its way through the logs like a living thing. Fukuda smiled as the fire grew brighter, feeling relieved and comforted by its warmth. She knew that no matter what happened, she would never forget this moment.

. . .

Fukuda sat around the fire with her sister and the other travellers. The crackle and pop of the fire provided a soothing background to their conversations and the flickering light illuminated their faces, creating a sense of familiarity and a safe space for them to open up and share their stories. As she watched, Kato slowly revealed the carving of a geisha woman. She was mesmerized by the way Kato's hands moved gracefully, creating intricate patterns on the wood as if he was an artist with a paintbrush. His concentration and steady movements were soothing and calming to Fukuda, and she found herself admiring his skill and craftsmanship. The wooden figure slowly came to life. Every individual eyebrow and wrinkle was carved on with precision, creating a lifelike sculpture that was full of character. Fukuda was amazed at how Kato had managed to capture the delicate curves of the geisha's face, and the intricate detail of her kimono.

"May I look at what you're sculpting?" Fukuda asked

"Sure, it's nothing special just some whittling I do." Kato handed the carving over to Fukuda.

"It looks lovely. Is she someone you know? Sorry I didn't mean to pry."

Kato took the carving back from Fukuda "It's okay. For the record I tend to carve things which I have seen. This young lady is a carving of someone I didn't know. However, back in Kyoto there was a woman who I admired but never had the courage to speak to. This carving was my attempt to capture her beauty and innocence." Fukuda giggled "You may laugh but it is true I should've told her how I felt about her, but things turned out different."

"Will you ever go back to Kyoto and search for this woman?"

"Maybe one day, but for now, my life is here escorting people from Yamashiro to Kawatsi."

"How did you get into this business of escorting people?"

"You're full of questions, aren't you?"

"Sorry if you want me to stop, I'll do so."

Kato placed a hand onto her knee and told her it was okay, and he continued "It all started when I visited Yamashiro about a year ago. I was sitting in one of the many taverns, having a quiet drink. When I overheard a conversation about a few of the locals wanting to travel to Kawatsi. During that time, the road leading to Kawatsi were controlled by the Yamashiro army because there was a war raging between the Mononobe clan and the Soga clan. Which made travel along the main highways treacherous, plus people were expected to pay a toll at certain check points. However, the locals found a secret way to get to Kawatsi that was not guarded by the Yamashiro army, allowing them to bypass the tolls. They needed somebody to escort the locals through the secret route, which was known as the "Uma-no-michi" or the horse road. Everybody knew the tolls were put in place to line the pockets of the Soga clan. " Kato threw another log on to the fire. "Anyway,, getting back to your question. "Overhearing the conversation, I walked over to the table and asked how I could find out more about this 'horse road' and inquire about the position? The people around the table laughed at me thinking I was naive and inexperienced for taking on such a dangerous task. However, I reassured them that I was more than capable. One of the members around the table told me to meet him by the fountain in the centre of town at dawn, so I did. Upon meet him, he introduced me to the travellers. He told me to keep off the main highways for obvious reasons. He also said that when I reach Kawatsi there would be someone to take the travellers off me. He gave me the location where to meet them."

"Is that what's going to happen to us? You are going to hand us over to someone else. What happens then?" Fukuda asked nervously. Not really wanting to know the answer.

"All I know is they take you off and give you fake documents so you can live and work in Kawatsi."

"And if we don't comply with what they want? What happens then?"

"In all honesty, I cannot answer that as I do not know. All I do is take you to the designated destination. After that it's up to you what you do."

"I see, I have to go and talk to my sister I will talk later." Fukuda looked around the campfire and saw her sister Suki talking to a rough looking man who wore samurai armour, had a katana strapped to his waist, and he was talking to Suki in a loud, gruff voice. Fukuda walked over to her sister and placed her hand on Suki's shoulder. "What's going on here?" she asked. Suki moved up to make space for Fukuda.

"Fukuda let me introduce you to Abe Dai, we have had an interesting chat, haven't we Abe." She said as she friendly pushed him on his shoulder. "It's nice to meet you," Fukuda said, her voice strong with emphasis.

Abe didn't even move; he looked at Suki and smiled. He was obviously taken aback by her friendliness, but he didn't seem to mind. He had a pleasant look on his face, and Fukuda could tell he was enjoying the moment. Abe then threw another piece of meat on to the fire, and the two of them sat there in a comfortable silence, watching the flames dance. Abe was a man of many talents and one of them was cooking; he seemed to know just what to do to make the meat sizzle and smell delicious. He had met up with Kato in Yamashiro. Abe had grown up in the village of Wada in the neighbouring province of Idsumi. Fukuda then gently tugged at Suki's arm. Fukuda whispered into her sister's ear. "Suki, can we talk? I think you may be right about leaving."

"Excuse me a moment Abe, my sister is very impatient." Suki stood up with Fukuda and walked over towards where the horses were kept.

"I hope this is important as I was having a really good conversation with Abe."

Fukuda stroked one of the horses as she began to talk to her sister. "I think you are right about leaving If it is okay, I would like to accompany you to Kawatsi."

Fukuda a little taken back by this announcement asked her why the sudden change of heart?

"I was talking to Kato and what he told me shocked me. If we stay with Kato and the rest of them, when they reach Kawatsi we are to be met by some other people who'll then escort us to somewhere else and then they will give us fake documents to stay and work in Kawatsi. I do not want to be a number in a system I wanted to live a free life this is why I wanted to leave Yamashiro in the first place if I wanted to be a prisoner I would have stayed in Yamashiro."

Fukuda hugged her sister and told her that everything would be alright. 

. . .

Around the campfire Kato was listening to the other travellers as they introduced themselves. The group was made up of people from different walks of life, with diverse experiences and perspectives. Kato was fascinated as they each told their stories and shared their journeys. Hiraoka Makoto, was the first to introduce himself he was a skilled metal worker, who was a small man- not much taller than four foot eleven, and what he brought to the group was nothing like Suki or Abe. Hiraoka Makoto had a unique set of skills, having studied metalworking since he was a young boy and developing an eye for detail and craftsmanship. His arms were strong and his hands were calloused, having crafted countless pieces of art over his lifetime. His presence in the group added a different type of perspective, and Kato was intrigued by the knowledge and experience that this man had acquired from his small village. Kato admired the man's ambition to craft weapons for the emperor's army, and wanted to learn more about how he had developed his craft in metallurgy.

Okamato Haru was known for his remarkable ability to steal any item he desired, no matter how difficult the task. He was a master of picking locks, breaking into secure locations, all of which enabled him to take what he wanted. Okamato spent most of his adolescent and adult life always on the run from the local law men. He was known for being incredibly adept and crafty when it came to stealing, even often outsmarting the law men and avoiding capture. He had developed an uncanny ability to scope out a target and devise a plan to successfully take what he wanted in a short amount of time.

Saski Shiro was from Gohori, in Jamato and like Okamato was a known thief. He had an enormous bounty on his head, and he had been on the run from the law when he first ran in to Okamato. Saski was aware that he would be more exposed to the risk of being caught if he travelled alone, and so he reasoned that joining up with an experienced thief like Okamato would give him the best chance of making it to Kawatsi safely. On their journey together they mostly rode in silence except for when they needed to hide from any law men they occasionally encountered on the same road as them. They kept quiet most of the time to minimize the chance of being discovered, and this strategy enabled them to reach their destination without incident. 

. . .

Suki woke up and saw Okamato sitting outside the opening to the tent entrance. She got up and quietly walked over to him. "Hey, you, okay?" she asked softly.

Okamato was startled and looked up at Suki. "I was just thinking about my home village." He replied.

Suki sat down next to Okamato and pushed herself closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. She encouraged him to tell her more, and so Okamato describe his home village.

Okamato felt comforted by Suki's touch and her genuine interest in his story. He found himself opening up to her in a way he hadn't before, feeling a connection with her that he hadn't expected. "Just imagine those mountains over there, interwoven as one and spanning as far as the horizon, with snow-capped peaks and lush valleys in between. Amongst the trees and entwined within the shrubbery is a stream; it flows down one side of the mountain, the water trickling back and forth down the hillside. Eventually it reached the river, which rolled out in to the Linschoren Strait. In the middle of the mountain was an old Buddhist temple called Daisen-ji. I would sneak up there when I was a boy. It was beautiful, but the best time to see the view would be in the autumn. The leaves from the trees would turn from green to all various shades of red and oranges."

The mountain Okamato described to Suki was the Ōkami-take. Suki was imagining what he had just described to her.

"I'd love to see the place where you grew up." She told him.

"One day I shall take you there. But for now, we should head back in and get some rest, won't be long till the sun rises." He informed her, whilst turning around and heading into the tent.

. . .

As dawn broke the first to wake was Kato followed by Hiraoka. As they both felt the chill of the morning air, they were grateful for the warmth of the sun as it began to rise, slowly giving them some respite from the cold. The cool water from the rock pool was refreshing for Hiraoka, and it was a welcome start to their day.

"Awake now?" Kato laughed.

Hiraoka smiled and then walked back to pick up his belongings from within the tent. Kato too, chose to splash some cold water on his face from the rock pool.

The remaining travellers began to stir and prepare for the day, collecting water from the nearby rock pools. Some of them started a small fire to make breakfast, while others simply enjoyed the view of the sunrise over the mountains . They rode down a gravel dirt track until they approached the Ekagawa River. As they got nearer they could see how crystal clear the river was, the sun reflecting off the surface of the water, and the fish swimming in the deeper parts. They crossed the river, pushing their horses on through the shallow river bed until they reached the opposite bank. They then rode downhill until they could see Takayasu, a small village surrounded by terraced rice paddies and lush green fields. The morning mist was slowly lifting and the sun was beginning to warm the village as the group rode towards the gates. Kato came to a stop with Okamato pulling up alongside him, just as they reached the outskirts of the village.

Turning to Okamato, Kato said "we will stop hear for the rest of the day and tomorrow we will continue on to Kawatsi." Kato tapped his horse on the ribs to edge the horse on towards Takayasu. Okamato relayed the message back to the rest of the group. They slowly started to make there way towards Takayasu. Everyone was eager to get to their destination and the energy of the group was palpable.

As they approached Takayasu , Kato climbed down from his horse and banged on the ominous wooden gates �" he waited for a reply.

After a short time, Kato banged again, yet there was still no response from the other side. Kato began to worry that something was wrong.

"Is everything alright? Seems quiet doesn't it?" queried Hiraoka.

Kato pushed gently on the main gate and to his surprise, it opened with a creak. He quickly realized that the gate had been unlocked the entire time. He turned to Hiraoka in wonder, his mouth agape. "It was open the whole time?" he asked incredulously. Kato gestured the group to go through, and they all filed past him, one by one, into the city beyond the gate. There were no guards to be seen, which struck Kato as oddly suspicious. He moved further inside, looking around more intensively. Hiraoka followed behind him, his eyes darting around the area with a sense of unease. He had the distinct feeling that something was off, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. He stayed close to Kato, ready to alert him if he spotted anything out of the ordinary. He signalled to Kato that he was going to take a look around. As he walked away, Kato kept a close watch, his senses on high alert. He knew that he couldn't take any chances. Okamato climbed down off his horse and climbed a ladder to get a better view of the area. He surveyed the city, looking for any signs of danger. He paused for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he scanned the rooftops, and then he descended the ladder, shaking his head. He had seen nothing out of the ordinary.

It appeared to Kato that everyone had vacated the city. He didn't see any guards or soldiers patrolling the streets. It seemed as if the city had been abandoned. He peered into a few of the houses and noticed that all of the furniture and other possessions were still there. It appeared that the city had been left like this in a hurry, as if the inhabitants had been forced to leave suddenly.

Hiraoke walked into the local tavern and it was a similar scene; tables and chairs were still in their places, but it was entirely deserted. He could smell the stale beer and the lingering smoke from the fireplace, but it was clear that no one had been here for a while. He picked up one of the upturned stools and sat down to contemplate the emptiness around him. He was surrounded by silence and loneliness, and he couldn't help but feel a little sad. Deep in thought, he suddenly became aware of shuffling above him in the ceiling of the tavern. He abruptly stood up and followed the shuffling above him, examining the walls and ceiling for the source of the noise. Grasping his scabbard sword with his right hand, he was ready to pull it out should he need to. He slowly walked the length of the tavern, following the noise, until he reached the end. He realized he was standing below a trapdoor that led to an attic. Quietly placing a stool beneath it to stand on, he carefully opened the trapdoor and peered into the attic. Okamato walked in through the tavern door. Hiraoke quickly pointed to the hatch and whispered, "There's someone up there!" Okamato stood, blocking the exit to the tavern ready to stop what, or whoever was above them. Hiraoke slowly peered through the opening into the attic, his eyes adjusting to the darkness as he looked around for any signs of movement. Lowering his head back from the hatch, he asked Okamato if he could fetch one of the torches from off the wall behind the bar. Okamato did as he was asked and passed Hiraoke a torch from off the wall behind the bar. Hiraoka once again pushed his head up inside the crawl space. This time the light of the torch enabled him to see the dusty old furniture and boxes that were stored away in the attic. He also spotted a few cobwebs and some rat droppings. He decided to take a closer look and began to crawl up into the attic. Pulling himself up through the gap, it became obvious there was not enough room to stand up, so he crouched down, Hiraoka slowly made his way across the attic, being careful not to disturb the dust and dirt, or the cobwebs that hung from the rafters. He moved cautiously to the wall furthest away from the hatch. Strangely he could still hear the shuffling as before, but no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn't see what was causing it.

Kato moved forward with Abe, Fukuda, Saski and Suki dismounting their horses and following behind him. Kato took the lead, pausing every so often to check that everyone was still following him. Abe approached Kato and gave him an uneasy look while speaking in a quiet voice, "Do you think this is wise? We don't know what is out there and we're not prepared for a fight." Kato gave the order to draw their weapons and be on guard. He knew that they were at risk of being ambushed and wanted to make sure they were fully prepared and ready to protect themselves. Standing in the centre of the courtyard, Kato looked around carefully, scanning the area for any signs of danger. He could feel the tension in the air, and he knew they needed to stay alert and vigilant. He took a deep breath and looked around once more, making sure everyone was ready for whatever might come their way. 

Saski heard a noise and asked if anyone else had heard it. Everybody turned to look in his direction. Fukuda asked what noise it was he heard. Saski couldn't quite place it but said It sounded as though something was clattering around inside one of the buildings. Kato, not wanting to put his fellow travellers in any kind of danger, Kato asked Fukuda to accompany Saski and investigate the source of the noise, so as to not put their fellow travellers in any danger. Heading in the direction of the tavern, Fukuda wondered if Saski was using the excuse of hearing a noise as a pretext for going to the tavern for a drink. But as they got closer to the tavern doors they started to hear a loud commotion coming from inside, which caused Fukuda to believe that Saski may have been telling the truth. Crouching down quietly, they listened to the faint mumbling coming from inside the tavern, and Fukuda began to suspect that something was wrong.

"See, I told you I could hear something" Saski told Fukuda.

"What is it? Do you think it's some of the villagers taking shelter from whoever caused all this mess out here?" asked Fukuda.

"I don't know?" replied Saski. "Is there any way we can see inside?"

Fukuda pointed at a window to the left of the main doors, she gestured for Saski to come closer and look through the window, to get a better view of what was inside the building. Saski placed his hands on the window ledge and slowly peered through the window. His eyes widened in surprise as he took in the sight in front of him. Peering through he could see Hiraoka standing on a bar stool, whilst hauling himself into a hole in the ceiling.

"You see anything? If not, come back down, it's probably just a rat." Okamato shouted up to Hiraoka

Hiraoka ignored Okamato's comment and continued to search for the source of the noise. After a short while, to the furthest side of the attic space, he noticed what seemed to be a pile of old clothes. He slowly approached the pile and noticed that it was moving, as if something was under the clothes. He cautiously reached out and pulled back the clothes, revealing a woman. The woman was the prettiest thing Hiraoka had ever seen. She had long, dark hair and big, brown eyes that seemed to sparkle in the light. In her arms, she held a small bundle, which he soon realized was a baby. Noticing she was naked, he draped the clothes back over her body and asked her who she was and why she was there. He then informed Okamato of what he had found in the attic - a woman and a baby.

"Why is she up there?" asked Okamato.

Hiraoka assumed she must have been hiding from the people who had invaded the village. He turned to the young lady.

"Why are you and your new-born hiding in the attic?" He asked.

as he spoke he tried to reassure her that everything was going to be alright, that no harm would come to her and her baby. Whoever she was hiding from had gone, and it was safe for her and her baby to come down from the attic. Looking at Hiraoke, she nodded, holding her child out to him. He smiled reassuringly and carefully took the baby in his arms. He passed the baby to Okamato, who held the infant close and smiled reassuringly.

Okamato carefully pulled back the shroud which was swaddling the baby, checking to make sure that the baby was healthy and unharmed. Shocked he noticed that the skin was not that of a human. Okamato realized that the baby had a delicate, fine, velvety texture to its skin and he knew that this was not a normal baby. Shock then turned to horror as Okamato looked back up to Hiraoka to warn him it 'was not a woman, but the demon Joro-Gumo'. At that moment the child exploded into a thousand spiders they covered Okamato within seconds each biting him and injecting him with their venom. He was dead before he could even attempt to brush them off.

Terrified Hiraoka looked back to the young woman he had been speaking she started to contort and twist, he watched on in horror to what was happening before him. Her top half stayed as a woman while her bottom was transforming into eight spiders' legs. Its thick legs and long body covered in a thick layer of dark fur. Scuttling over to Hiraoka, she pounced, ripping his head clean off his body, killing him instantly.

. . .

Saski was in shock and disbelief. he was terrified at the sight of the giant spider-like monster in the tavern and knew they needed to run for their lives.

Both racing back to warn Kato and the others, Saki and Fukuda ran for their lives, barely escaping the creature. Saski was shaking with fear, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Saski and Fukuda turned the corner just as the Joro-Gumo leapt from the building behind them and careened towards the group of travellers. Kato seeing what was happening gave the order to flee. The group ran for their lives, barely making it to safety before the giant spider caught up to them. Joro-Gumo raced down the street following Fukuda and Saski as they ran back towards the travellers, but the group was able to make it to safety before the giant spider caught up to them. Kato noticed Suki from the corner of his eye climb onto the roof of a nearby building, and realizing what she was up to, shouted for everyone to run. She could see the Joro-Gumo getting closer to Fukuda and Saski, and panic began to rise in her chest. She had to act fast, or else they would be in danger. Running the length of the lower roof she shimmied up the drainpipe to the higher roof and then sprinted towards the Joro-Gumo. As she ran, her long black hair had fallen loose from her bun, flying behind her as she desperately tried to save her sister. Grasping the bow from her back and pulling an arrow out of the quiver at her waist, she notched the arrow and released it in one fluid motion. The Joro-Gumo saw the incoming arrow and swatted it away, leaving only a few feathers in its wake.

Suki's quick thinking had given Fukuda and Saski enough time to escape and make it safely back to Kato and Abe. All four then took shelter within one of the derelict buildings. As they closed the door behind them, Fukuda looked out the window to see Suki retreating from the spider demon, the determined look of courage and determination on her face. She could see the Joro-Gumo was hot on her sister's heels. Fukuda watched helplessly as Suki bounded from high to low, leaping over obstacles and twirling out of the way of the spider's claws. All the time the Joro-Gumo was gaining ground. Suki raced along the abandoned streets, never once looking back to see how close the Joro-Gumo was behind her. Fukuda rushed to open the door to their hideout and urgently called out to Suki to get inside before the monster caught up with her. Spotting her sister, Suki sprinted as fast as she could. She made it to the hideout just in time, and the door shut securely behind her - a minute longer and she would have been spider bait.

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask, so you have only yourself to blame for this.

• Somewhere in the 16th century Japan between Yamashiro and Kawatsi high on Mount Ikoma.

This line illustrates, perfectly, several problems. The first is how useful punctuation can be. In illustration, adding punctuation yields:

“Somewhere in the 16th century Japan, between Yamashiro and Kawatsi, high on Mount Ikoma:”

Without the punctuation, it appears that the end of the sentence wants to continue, and talk about what happened there, while with punctuation it places the reader on the mountain.

But the second problem is: Why do we care that the mountain is between two places we probably never heard of? Does anything really change if you say it as:

“Somewhere in the 16th century Japan, high on Mount Ikoma:”

• The riders had difficulty navigating the terrain due to the slippery and dangerous mud.

"The" riders? The reader knows of none. And why does the reader care? You tell the reader that despite the challenges they keep going. So who cares that an unknown number of people out for unknown reasons, are having problems that they're not going to let stop them? That’s not a story, it’s a report. We don’t know if they’re going up or down. But does the direction matter if we don’t know what they’re doing there or where they're bound?

Your first paragraph is 135 words long, so we’re partway down the second standard manuscript page and, as I mentioned, we don’t know that's going on, or why. We have no protagonist to cheer for. So why should we care that some people we know nothing about had sleeping rolls and blankets? That’s detail, not story. Alfred Hitchcock commented that drama is life with the dull bits cut out. But you have nothing but dull bits in that paragraph. You then have an unknown, and nameless woman shout that they must find shelter, for no reason we know of, given that you ended the previous paragraph saying the riders were determined to reach their undefined destination.

What you’re doing is talking TO the reader, lecturing them about things you've not made the reader WANT to know. But that’s not a story, it’s detail. You’re thinking like a historian, not a fiction writer, and so, are recording events and trivia. And because you are talking about events, rather than having the characters live them, the presentation is disjointed. For example, you tell the reader that Kato is ahead of the others. But he looks down the trail the reader thought he was going up, which is confusing. You tell the reader that the girl he notices is leading her horse. But then have her bouncing in the saddle. How can she be leading it and on it at the same time?

The major point you miss is that you’re trying to present a story in all detail, as a storyteller. So you tell the reader what the various people are thinking and doing as an outside observer would. But how real can it seem if the observer can read everyone’s mind?

That’s NOT how fiction is written. In fiction you focus on one person, called the protagonist, and instead of talking about that person, you make the reader BECOME that person, in all respects. After all, if we don’t know everything about the situation, exactly-as-the-protagonist-does, how can we truly understand why they act and speak as they do?

Fiction does NOT record events. We focus on what matters to our protagonist in the moment they call now. Why? Because only by doing that can the future seem uncertain. History books feature drama, love, and everything that fiction does. But no one buys them for entertaining reading because without uncertainty they’re boring. This happened…that happened…this is what they carried…and after that happened…”

We don’t tell the reader that it’s cold in the story. We make the reader shiver. And you cannot, cannot, cannot do that with the writing skills we’re given in school because they’re nonfiction skills which cannot work for fiction.

So rewriting with the intent of approaching it differently, without mastering the specialized skills of fiction will end up moving the words around but the same approach will yield the same result. There is no way around it and the only shortcut I know of is to not waste time looking for one.

If writing fiction is your goal, paste the following link into the URL window at the top of the page and hit Return: https://archive.org/details/goal.motivation.conflictdebradixon/page/n5/mode/2up

You can read Debra Dixon’s book there, or download it in the format your reader wants. But just the preface will tell you why you need more.

Not good news, I know, but you did ask, and you do need to know.

[letroit]

Thank you for your honesty. I have read your books you have already sent to me on Techniques Of The Selling Writer by Dwight Swain, which I found very helpful. However I feel I am missing the mark somehow which I do not understand how I have watched many youtube videos on Goal, Conflict and disaster plus many more. I have visited your web page and tried to follow what you have written. But somehow I am just not getting it.I am not one for giving up and I will prevail on mastering the art on writing fantasy. Any how thank you for you words of encouragement.

[JayG]

It's a matter of orientation. Your present approach is outside in, with the narrator the only one on stage. But that's an inherently dispassionate approach, because the reader can't either know what emotion to place into the voice of the narrator or, those things that add emotion to the telling, like the storyteller's gestures, expression changes, etc.

If you look at the motivation/response units, the first requirement is to learn the protagonist's reason act, in terms meaningful to the reader as-the-line-is-read. Then, show their response. But you spend the opening paragraph detailing irrelevant visual information.

Knowing that there are horses, and what they were carrying doesn't create a usable mental picture, just a list of items. Why, for example, do I care that there are weapons if we're not heading into battle?

Think about it. It takes the reader several minutes to go through what a viewer would see, and absorb in a second, as background data on film.

Who's your protagonist? Is it the unknown woman who shouts about needing to stop, but gets no reply? No way to know, though the reader will assume that she's with the people you just spent time detailing in paragraph 1.

Who's she shouting to? No way to know because we don't know her and no one replies. But to those who she's talking to—the "we" who need to stop—she's a name, not "a woman."

We never learn who she's talking to, but we should know that as she says it, as well as her reasons. We should also know why she decided that whoever she's with needs to stop.

My point is that your focus is on events but it should be on people, and what the events mean to them, and motivate them to do.

Your entire first paragraph could be replaced by:
- - - -
Cursing the endless rain that made travel down the mountain path so muddy and difficult, Kato turned to his second in command, saying, "Have the men rest the horses for a bit, while I go on ahead and check the conditions. I think we're close to that drop-off we saw before the trees closed in again."

He pointed. "The right-hand branch in the trail seems like the one we want, but I want to be certain it turns toward Yamashiro not Kawatsi when it hits the edge. So listen for a whistle. I’ll blow double for stop, and once for come ahead, and repeat it." He hesitated as a thought struck him, and added, “But since you may not hear it over the rain, come ahead after a rest-stop's time and I’ll catch you on my way back up.

"Makes sense," Akira said. "I'll be glad when we're off this damn mountain trail and can ride again." He nodded toward his horse, grinning. "So will he...except for the part where he has to carry me."

Handing Akira his own horse's reins, he turned toward the trail, adding, "Especially since you weigh as much as he does. Before the man could respond, he added, “I can move faster alone, so have someone bring my horse when you leave."
- - - - -
Your story and characters? No, it’s just a quick parallel example to show M/RU’s in action.

1. Kato is cursing the rain, so we assume that his discomfort was the motivation for the remark.
2. His response to the rain allowed me to mention that they were on the mountain and the difficulty of travel, as he views it. It also motivates Kato to decide on scouting ahead.
3. The decision to go scouting also acts as his motivation to include a reason for his leaving the group that makes sense to his second-in-command, and, the reader. And that provides a reason to mention their destination—not as the all-knowing narrator, but as him, in a way natural to the situation.
3. Kato’s remark is Akira’s motivation to comment on the conditions, and establishes the man as a person who isn’t deadly serious, so, it’s character development. His addressing Kato formally, shows that there are issues of rank, and implies that they’re not just a group of travelers.
4. Akira’s mentioning his horse motivates Kato to leave his own horse behind. His remark to Akira demonstrates that he, too, has a sense of humor. So again, character development

So… With only 213 words we learn that Kato is in charge of a group of men, and his being addressed with respect in the way he was shows his importance, and implies that he’s possibly a samurai. We learn that we’re in Japan, on a mountain that’s between the same two cities you mentioned. We learn that it’s raining, that the path is muddy, and that the men are walking, and leading their horses.

Do we care what supplies the horses carry? No. If they use supplies we’ll assume they carried them. If not, who cares?

But done this way, notice that there is no narrator speaking TO the reader. Instead, we ARE Kato, not hearing about him. So now, we establish that Kato is alone, and heading downward, on foot.

It’s worth noting that thinking as he did, in order to come up with the flow, I first realized that if he finds that the path goes the wrong way he needs to be able to warn those he left behind. My first thought was a whistling arrow. But his bow would be tightly wrapped against the damp, which would soften the bowstring. So, I came up with his blowing a whistle. But then, it occurred that in dense woods, and with rain hitting the leaves, that might not carry. But then, I remembered that without having to lead his horse he could travel a LOT faster, and could intercept them on the way down before they traveled very far. Were I telling the story from the outside in, I’d have missed that.

And notice that as presented, we know that Kato is alone, heading downhill, and focused on the trail ahead. So when we read:

“"We must find shelter!" A young woman yelled, her voice just audible above the roaring wind.

It’s Kato hearing it, and it will be motivativation for him to either find her or step off the trail and watch and investigate. But we do NOT jump to be with her and watching what she does, because Kato is our protagonist, and what matters to him matters to the reader, in the way it matters to Kato, not the narrator. So we are NOT told that she’s seeking shelter for horses, too because our protagonist only knows that a woman’s voice shouted those words. He will interpret it according to the situation as HE sees it. And what he learns will be what the reader learns, so that the reader will see her, and learn of her situation as HE does, not as you explain it.

That you’ve read the book and still aren’t using the techniques he outlined, means that you read it, but didn’t stop as each technique was introduced and think about how it would change the approach you’re currently using. Nor did you apply that technique before going on. And that makes all the difference.

When I was a scoutmaster I noticed that most scouts were taught knots by showing them how to tie it, then having them do it a time or two before moving on. But a day later, they'd forgotten it and the others they had supposedly "learned."

Since the goal is giving them a skill they might find useful for the rest of their life, I gave the scout a piece of rope. And when I was satisfied that they would still remember how to tie that one knot that evening, I gave instructions to tie it knot over and over, while watching TV. In the beginning, they were watching the rope and listening to the TV. But by the end of the program they were watching the screen and paying no attention to the hands tying the knot because it had become a trained reflex.

Try applying that to the process of writing. And till it becomes automatic, verify that every action taken by the protagonist has a motivation that the reader is aware of. Diagram the M/RUs until like the scout tying that knot it becomes a trained reflex.

Make sense?

[letroit]

OK I get the outside in part that I should be writing from the inside out. Chapter one whoever sets the scene of Kato and his group heading to a village nestled in the mountain. They rest at the a camp at the top of the mountain before heading on to the village. Kato is not the lead character they do not arrive into the story till chapter two. After Kato and his group have reached the village and have encountered the demon spider. then Chapter two start with Akiio and Yamashita (Lead characters) having reached the village where Kato and his group have been attacked by the demon spider. Any what I am getting at should I scrap chapter one and begin with Chapter two Were Akio and Yamashita (Lead characters) have entered the village? I think I am confusing myself on having so many ideas and trying to cram them into one story. having wrote my notes it looked good on paper, but in reality maybe there too much going on.

[letroit]

you mean more like dialogue rather than descriptive notation

[JayG]

• Chapter one whoever sets the scene of Kato and his group heading to a village nestled in the mountain.

No, it doesn’t. It works for you because you have both intent and the context to make that clear. I mean no disrespect, but were you to submit this to a publisher it would be rejected at the end of sentence #1, because only you can hear the implied words, “We are,” before, “Somewhere in the 16th century Japan between…” That reader would see it as an incomplete sentence. And I say that as someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service.

And a publisher/agent would do that, not because they’re mean. They’d do it because readers in the bookstore will.

• They rest at the a camp at the top of the mountain before heading on to the village

In all the world, only you know that. You tell them only that they are high on the mountain. Unlike the reader, you begin reading already knowing what’s going on and why they’re traveling.

Scrapping the chapter wouldn’t fix the problem. It’s inherent to the nonfiction approach you’re using. From start to finish, you the narrator are telling the reader a story. But as a general thing, you should begin with the protagonist in the scene. The reader will believe that Kato is, and bond with him. If you do a good job they won’t want to walk away.

Ands…when you began chapter 2, for example, do you provide a short-term scene-goal? Do you quickly address the three issues that will provide context that Swain talked about? You did none of that in chapter one.

And that’s my point. Unless you take the time to fully acquire the necessities of your fiction-writer’s education you’re stuck with nonfiction writing techniques that cannot be made to work. It’s not a matter of pointing out a few, “Do this, not that,” issues. It’s one of not zipping through the book. You need to be using those techniques, beginning with M/RU’s and scene and sequel. You now should consciously use them, and so must deliberately check that you do, line by line.

Look at chapter 1 and find the first M/RU. It’s not in paragraph 1. That’s an info-dump.

In paragraph 2, an unknown woman, in an unknown place, who might or might not be part of the party described in the info-dump, shouts in response to unknown motivation. She then looks around an area we know nothing about, seeking something we have no context to understand. Then she vanishes.

Both paragraphs make perfect sense to you, but to a reader? None at all.

Paragraph 3 begins with “Ahead of the group Kato had his own dilemma.”

The group? Which group? Those the unknown woman was shouting to, or the ones from paragraph 1? And which of the two are his? And as for telling us he had a dilemma, take Mark Twain’s advice: “Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.” Show us the dilemma as HE perceives it. Begin with step one of a M/RU. Unless the characters are intimately involved in the action, and making all the decisions, rather than being talked about by someone not on the scene, it cannot seem real.

I wish I had better news, and having been through it, I well know how difficult changing your approach is. It was one of the harder things I’ve done, because your existing writing reflexes will howl in outrage when you try to take a different approach, and will reach out and change the approach back to what they find acceptable as you write, without you noticing.

That’s why you need to diagram M/RU’s to be certain there is one motivation and one reaction for every tick of the scene clock. You need to find every spot where the narrator explains or clarifies and either move it to a place where the reader actively needs it, and must take it into account (so the reader learns it as he uses the information, or, trash it.

When writing Starlight Dancing, I opened with 1500 words that beautifully described the history of the land our protagonist is standing on. I loved it, and it was what they call a “writer’s darling.” But then, a beta-reader pointed out that I brought our protagonist on stage, had him look out over the piece of wasteland he stood on, and then abandoned him for several pages to give a history lesson that no one asked for, or needed to follow the action.

Pressing delete on those 1500 words was one of the more difficult things I’ve ever done. But she was right. It was a darling, and one inviolate rule of writing is: Kill your darlings.