Chapter 2: Pinned

Yvonne flashes back to her initial encounter with "Penn." The sexual ambiguity of her relationship with Sasha is further explored as is her willingness to abuse herself in the company of Penn

Sasha, a lithe wisp of an upper body set on thick legs. Her pitch hair, side-buzzed, sweeping long in front. Bleached out aqua tips, brushing behind her ears. Doll-pale like me, a cream complexion pit-scarred under wet owl-eyes. Reedy lips over soft boned chin.

She was by all accounts the "man" of the relationship.

We weren't a couple. Though everyone assumed we were.

But we were closer than friends.

Too close.

Ouroboros. A codependency that consumed itself. A fury of blood and bone, skin and scorn. Cannibalistic love gone bad.

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Sasha's tires scrunched against the gravel as she blasted her horn.
"Bye Aunt Frankie!" I yelled, throwing my purple coat around me.

I could hear the music before I got to the truck. Sasha was head banging at the wheel. Her hands gripped around it, hair whipping up and down to the tempo.
"What are you wearing?" She yelled as I opened the door.
I pulled apart my coat to reveal my outfit.
See through fishnet minidress, black thong, X's of electrical tape over my n*****s. Knee-high black lace up boots.
"Good" she said. "I brought your poison" she held up a bottle.
"That's my girl " I jumped up into the cab.
JD's car was idling across the street.
"Isn't that your aunt's loser baby-daddy lurking over there?" Sasha asked turning down the stereo.
"Yeah, she kicked him out like an hour ago. He's been sulking there since after dinner. He threw a fit again because she burnt rice or something. It's like, she's a bad cook, who cares. Cook your own dinner if you don't like it"
Sasha looked at me, bored, I went quiet for a minute, "I mean... Whoo! Bondage night"
"Bondage night!" She yelled, pealing out, flicking her cigarette butt at JD's car as we went by.

Across the bridge.
Oakland to San Francisco.
Blackberry vodka slid under the seat as we went through the toll.
Sasha's spindle-fingers, money pinned between them, she released it as the collector reached. The bill sinking in the night, resting on the asphalt. Sasha laughed and accelerated. I looked through the back window, the toll taker shrinking as we drove, stepping out, defeated to retrieve the note.

Sasha handed me the vodka as she parked.
"It's warm" I complained.
"Don't be such a p***y" she took the bottle from me, sucking in a long drink.
I followed her. The slippery liquid went down harsh without a chill. I slapped my hand over my mouth and nose, fighting to swallow. Crinkling my eyes into teary slits. Shivering with disgust.
Sasha smirked at me, "noob."

The truck door slams echoed in the alleyway. We could hear the bass outside the club.

We walked in zombie-yellow street lights. Heels clicking on the asphalt. Faux fur coats and heavy kohl rimmed eyes.

We checked our coats and stepped inside.

A Wednesday night at
"The Black Diamond" Their weekly "bondage night." An excuse to wear as little as possible. To swim in vodka streams of smoke. Cages over the dance floor. Girls inside like captive birds. Swayed hips above the crowd.

Sasha and I watched the cage girls, captivated. Slinky arms above their heads. The one with blonde hair, provoked me. Something about her. Alluring, in her black shorts, fishnets and platform heels. Blood-shine lips and glitter. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to touch her. I tried to imitate her movements. Sasha laughed, "You look like a mom trying to dance."

"Shut up. You dance like a spider"

Sasha let her head fall back in a rich throaty laugh before grabbing me by the wrist. "Let's get drinks"

We stood by the bar, drinks in hand, watching the people. Bodices and garters, whips and lipstick.
Sasha fidgeted with the ties on her corset, red satin ribbons.
"Maybe I should have worn a skirt" she said.
"Shut up, you look hot." I slid my hand in the picked of her pleather pants.
"wanna smoke?" She asked?

I nodded looking to the smoking room, a glass chamber on the side of the club.

I knew it was him instantly, a warm flush up my face and neck, William Pennman.
Everyone called him "Penn"

We had been in a class together. Made a student film.

During our filming process, Penn flipped between dictating and ignoring me, forever chewing out a place in my memory for him to dwell.

I saw him watching. I was at least 20lbs lighter than last time he saw me. My once brown hair now a shocked white-blond, black underneath and curled around my face like a china doll.
He was staring.
He recognized me.

I turned to Sasha, "I know that guy. We were in "movie group" together"

"Go and say hi" she said casually sipping her drink, a wicked brew of alcohols in blue fruit punch

"No" I said. "That's Penn. I hate him"

"Then why can't you stop staring?" She asked. Her finger poking my hip bone.
She stopped mid-sip, "You're blushing. You want him"

"He probably doesn't even remember me"

"Let's get him to notice you then" she smiled, and took my hand. Pulling me into the glass room.

Sasha's mouth was cold and sweet from the drink as she closed it over mine.
I could feel people looking at us as we kissed. I saw Penn leaned back against the couch, watching, Blue Ticket cigarette in hand.

We smoke the same brand.

Sasha spun me around and slid her hands down my form before pushing me. I tripped over my boots, fell into Penn's lap. Sasha winked at me, picked up her drink and cat-walked out the door back into the club.

"Oh s-sorry" I stammered as I started to stand up, but Penn had his hand around my waist and pulled me back down.
"I know you" he said. "Yvonne"

"Oh right" I said like I was just remembering
"You're uh..."
"Penn" he said. He wasn't falling for it. He knew I knew who he was. But I could feel something growing under his jeans. He didn't let me up.

Pulling me in closer, he took a sip of my drink.

"Too fruity"

"Well, I'm a girl"

"Yeah, I can see that" he trailed a smoky finger along the top of my inner thigh.

One of Penn's friends came over with a key in his hand. White powder lumped on the tip of it. Held it out to Penn who made an eye motion at me instead. He shrugged and brought the key under my nose.

I had never tried "real drugs" before. I took the ones prescribed to me, but I'd never snorted anything.

I wanted to impress Penn.
Nervously, I put my middle finger over one side of my nose and sniffed in the dust.

Sasha stared at me wide-eyed through the glass. Her mouth open, straw dangling from a sticky lip.

I could smell the key, then a strange, metallic taste filled my nose, dropping down the back of my throat. Bitter and electric, my teeth began to itch and I felt a rush of energy power-surge through me.

"I used to hate you" I smiled at Penn, Black lipstick under shiny gloss.

"I used to hate you too" I could feel his breath, hot on my collarbone.

I wiped my nose and sniffed, like I had seen actors on TV.

"Stand up" his friend said, "lemme get a look at that outfit"

I stood, twirled like I had learned at age 11 in modeling school and smiled at the two of them. Suddenly feeling confident I played the tease, "See you boys later"

I blew them a kiss and walked back onto the dance floor.

The cages had dropped and the girls were stepping out.
I ran up to an empty cage.
"Can I try? Can I try?"
The man with the chain looked me up and down and wordlessly motioned me inside.

The cage wobbled as he raised it. I held onto the sides. Excited and nervous. My insides a rolling ball. A new song came on as I reached the top. I slid my back down the wall and raised my arms like I the other girls had. Twisting my hips and holding on to the peak of the cage.
I examined the crowd. Most of them looking at each other but a few watching me. I saw Penn. Against the wall in the shadows, head tilted just enough so couldn't tell where he was looking. I rolled my body and lifted my leg up by the knee. Pointing my toe like a ballerina.

When the song was over the cage lowered and I stepped out. A little dizzy but buzzed. Sasha was pressed between two girls in latex, her legs tacked to the floor, hips making a lopsided circle between them.

"You looked pretty stupid up there"
Penn was standing behind me.

"Pffffft. I was totally hot, you couldn't stop staring" I sounded confident but inside I felt ruined.

Did I really look stupid?

"If you say so" he stepped toward me, I stepped back. He stepped again I moved again.

What is he doing?

He walked me several feet until my back hit the wall. Penn put his arms out on either side of me. I felt like I was in the cage again. Scared, exhilarated. He leaned close, tilting his head to the side just a hint. His eyes hidden behind sunglasses. I raised my chin, my lips parted. He was so close, I could smell smoke and whiskey and something else.
His mouth a shiver away, my breath caught, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, like a hand hitting a wet drum skin.
He put his knee between mine, knocking them gently to the sides, his body pressed me to the wall. My eyes went wide and dark, I tried to swallow but my tongue felt like a cloth.
I pulled in my bottom lip to bite. A nervous habit.
He leaned in and to the side, his mouth touching my hair, "No, you did look stupid"
I flicked my head to the side, narrowing my eyes into angry half-moons. I glared into his gasses, reflecting my confusion back at me. Penn laughed and pulled away. His hand trickling down my arm as he sank back into the crowd.

Sasha found me, eyes dark planets.
"What was that all about?" She asked.

"I don't know" I tried to sound disinterested "That guy's a freak"

"C'mon" Sasha pushed me forwards into into the floor and we danced, I tried not to think about Penn. Sasha and I moved our hands across each other's bodies, calling attention. She licked my neck gainimg the interest of a nearby guy. Black hair over his eyes and boots with buckles. He smiled at her in approval. She danced her leggy spider dance over to him.

I felt Penn watching me again. Up on the balcony. He stood above the human cloud like a shark. He tipped his glass to his mouth, I thought I saw the corner of his mouth twist up into a shade of a smile
I looked away.

I needed some air.

I wiggled through the crowd to the side of the floor. Under an archway and into a corridor. Bust statues and people filled the hallway. I wound my way past them. Alcoves lined the hall. People in some of them. Making out. Black leather backs and vinyl gloved hands.

I was almost to the exit when I felt a push. I stumbled into an empty alcove. Spinning around, angry, I saw him, Penn, a conquerors smile on his face. He stepped towards me. Almost menacingly, I backed away but had nowhere to go. Flush against the alcove back. He grasped my wrist, then the other, lifting then above my head with unanticipated strength, pinning me to the wall.
"Don't pretend" he almost growled.
"Don't pretend?" I echoed.
He smiled, his lip bumping his nose ring.
"That you don't want it"
And then he was kissing me. I could feel something wild in him. The club fell away around us and for a moment he was the only thing. His touch, soft but dangerous. It made my mind shudder and go black and white TV static snow. I lost my breath, I felt I was coming apart in his hands. Disintegrating into glittering scraps, shrapnel of a girl.

And then he was gone.

I slid down the alcove wall, my body bent like a staple. I was shaking. I couldn't think. I had just tasted poison, the promise of ruin in his kiss.

He had me.

I found Sasha again, grinding her derrière against the pants-front of the buckle boot guy.

I motioned her towards me.
"I need another drink" I said. "Do you have any cash"
She rolled her eyes and handed her purse over, "get me one too"

"What'll it be?" The bartender asked.

"I dunno, I'm in the mood for something different. A chick drink but something strong, maybe with vodka?"

He squinted at me, "how about a 'cherry punch'?"

"what's in it?" I asked.

"Something strong, maybe vodka" he winked.

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At the end of the night Penn offered to "drive me to my car" which was back in Oakland at the school. But when we got there he pulled behind the building and came at me full force. Grabbed me by the throat and kissed me. A storm.

Just yards away from where we filmed the student movie, Penn took me, savagely in his car. Legs around him in the driver's seat I let him waste me. Biting my neck and scratching my back like a girl I thought. Penn crushed into me, and bent me backwards over the steering wheel.
Cold-eyed crackles lightning-bolted through me as I pushed him back into the seat, death-gripping the headrest. His hand around my neck so tight I saw ocean-lights shiver before he let go. He moved until I felt a wet burst of stickiness, until I quaked, gasping damp air.

I walked in a strange dream, back to my car.
The lamp poles seemed curved. Longing for the sky like fingers poking out of a grave. My eyes were blurry, lights like stars, a burst of chrome in the cherry haze. I reached my familiar purple car. Opening the trunk, I suddenly felt very exposed. I dressed myself over my outfit, in an old pair of jeans with knee holes and a flannel shirt, blue and yellow plaid, bits of black. In the car, I looked in the rear view mirror. A red hand print barely visible on my throat. Like he was still holding me. I drove back to Aunt Frankie's house, the stops and turns automatic. Sneaked inside to the guest room where the smell of dust and wood moved gently through the air. I lay in bed. The memory of Penn's car igniting a fear and lust, a jittery anticipation in me. I couldn't sleep.