The Orchard Next Door

A very messed-up poem that contradicts the old saying "An apple a day keeps the doctor away," not my best work, just something I wrote, bored.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

 

Aren't I lucky,

With an orchard right over there?

And the little old lady that owns it

Is more than happy to share.

 

I asked for an apple this morning

But she gave me a bushel instead.

I ate them all so quickly

That I have an ache in my head.

 

Walking home from school today,

I saw my neighbor pull her curtain.

Another pound of apples -

The very best, she was certain.

 

I haven't been to school

In a long, long while.

Now the lady brings her apples

To my sickbed with a smile.

 

The doctor came this evening

And told me to be still.

He gave me a glass of water

and a little pill.

 

I'm not getting any better,

And I don't think I'm getting worse

Why is my mother pulling

A tissue from her purse?

 

I tell her not to worry,

I'll be fine by tomorrow.

But my strangled comforts

Did not ease her sorrow.

 

The doctor came next morning

And pat my mother on the back.

Then he set beside me

A big white zip-up sack.

 

The strangled words I cried -

Could none of them hear?

His careful, measured movements

Shouldn't make me fear . . .

 

I tried to squirm and scream aloud

As he closed the sack around my face.

But I stayed strangely still and quiet,

His expression one I couldn't place.

 

The bag was unzipped later,

And I opened just one eye.

To see the doctor's arms around her -

My neighbor, his wife and spy.

 

They picked me up together

And walked out to the orchard.

Weaving between trees

That were twisted, tall, and tortured.

 

 When we finally had stopped,

They looked at me and smiled.

They placed me in a shallow pit,

A grave fit for a child.

Author's Note

I personally think this is poorly done. I like the idea, but the words are open for alot of editing. So please - any criticism you have is welcome.

Reviews

[PaperHearts]

Wow! That was truly amazing. I loved the idea of this poem, and thought that it was really well executed.
I was totally immersed in your poem from the very first line, and didn't stop reading it until the very last!
The sad and twisted story behind this poem really intrigued me, and I thought that the rhyming of it really added to the effectiveness of that. There were a few stanzas that really sent shivers up my spine!
One of my favourites were:
I tried to squirm and scream aloud
As he closed the sack around my face.
But I stayed strangely still and quiet,
His expression one I couldn't place.

A very very well-written piece!
~PaperHearts

[Glenna.]

Oooh! That was creepy, but good. :D It was very well done in my opinion and I think that you don't have a thing to change. I really enjoyed the quite twisted story behind it and you were really clever with the rhyming. Especially:

"They picked me up together
And walked out to the orchard.
Weaving between trees
That were twisted, tall, and tortured."

Very good, very good, very good. :)

[Eagle Cruagh]

How could anyone criticize anything
so profoundly beautiful ?

This is the most beautiful and at the
'same time, the saddest poem I have
read in years.
Absolutely Beautiful.

There are moments when the balance
in rhyming seems strained, but I would
not change a thing, because that is the
way a sick child would probably have
worded her writing. Besides, you have
indicated that you have not thoroughly
edited this yet.
Don`t edit it----It is so beautiful just the
way it is.

My rating -----100 %

----- Eagle Cruagh