The Watchmaker

synchronicity, freewill, fate

 His life was quickly unraveling, he just didn’t want to admit it. He stared out the window of the train at the passing trees, sunlight flashed between them and when he closed his eyes patterns emerged on his eyelids. He felt like he could have a seizure if he kept it up. Mountains rose up out of the fog that circled the trees and seemed to be the only things not moving. A few hours ago he had been awakened by an old lady demanding that he wake up and take up one seat instead of two, by declaring “Up and over!!” He wanted to scream at her and ask her who the f**k she thought she was but decided not to. After an hour of shifting restlessly in his seat trying to find a comfortable position he decided to go down to the bar to get a drink. He tried to steady himself as he walked down the aisle but kept bumping into people, more than one person giving him a dirty look even though he apologized. The bar consisted of a few tables and a small counter for dispensing food and drinks. The windows were dirty from oily fingers and children’s faces. He waited in line for his drink then sat at a table already occupied by a man and a younger woman sitting side by side. The girl was grungy looking; she wore a tattered flower print dress and beaded dreadlocks hung down onto her shoulders. The man was plainly dressed, he had dark skin and white hair; he looked like a film negative.

            “It’s all a conspiracy, don’t you see that? From 9-11 all the way down, it’s a vast plot to create a one world government, a one world bank, a new world order ruled by the federal reserve...”

            “Oh come on, that’s just so far fetched…”, the girl shook her head in disagreement, her world was one of love and butterflies, where people were good deep down and always did the right thing.

            He had no desire to debate with the two of them at that moment, so he looked out the window and occasionally took a sip of his beer. The train was within city limits and had slowed down a bit, he saw a little boy sitting on his bicycle, watching the train go by. He watched the boy until the dust swallowed him up. Further down the road he noticed a stone church with a carving above the door. It depicted a scene in which settlers were murdering Indians, one particular man had his heel on the neck of an Indian and held a sword high over his head.

            “Obama is nothing but a puppet for the Bilderberg Group, they needed a face that would put voters farther to the left at ease…”

            “Oh my god here we go, you are just crazy, everything is a conspiracy now, right? You are just paranoid…”

            “Well just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not on to them.”

            He sipped his beer and gave the man that looked like a negative a smirk then looked back out the window. He started thinking about the last few months of his life, where things had gone wrong and why. He didn’t know why it was so hard for him to maintain a relationship, though he did recognize his father’s influence, the quick temper, the jealousy, the need to control. He was just like him and that scared him, but on the contrary he was incapable of being faithful and as far as he knew his father had been faithful for 30 years. Why did he cheat on her? It wasn’t even worth the effort; it was a three way on top of it and not the good kind.            

            He had been in Oregon for about six months and now he was on a train to Connecticut to move back in with family. He was leaving her behind to live out her life in the apartment he had found for them. He imagined another man making love to her at that moment on the bed he had bought, her lips parted slightly, letting out a soft moan, his hands exploring the curve of her hips. He clenched his fist and took another sip of his beer. It was his fault and he knew it, but that knowledge did nothing to stem the jealousy.

            “Hey buddy you OK? Yer kinda quiet over there”, the negative man was talking to him.

            “Yeah, yeah, I’m just thinkin’ about somethin’”

            “Well what do you think about Obama?”

            “I don’t like talking politics or religion with strangers.”

            “Well my names Pete, this is Izzy and this is Jesse…” , another kid was sitting next to him that he hadn’t noticed until now.

             “,,,now we aren’t strangers, so tell me – what do you think of Obama?”           

            “I try not to”, he turned and looked back out the window. Pete stared him for a moment then looked at Izzy, shook his head and continued his conversation.

            He kept thinking about her. He had pushed her away and knew he didn’t love her, but now that she was gone he regretted it. There seemed to be a pattern emerging. Spliced between his thoughts he could hear conversations going on around him, it was like talking on a phone with a bad connection. There were two men sitting at the table behind him, talking loudly.

             “All I’m saying is, when the f**k am I gonna catch a break? You always step in s**t, your job fell in your lap, your girl, well where’s my luck?”

            “Man, you say that about everyone, that everyone else steps in s**t”

            “Well they do, but when I step in s**t it’s up to my neck”, they both laughed loudly and clanked their beers together.

            He tried harder to ignore the talking but the bad connection continued. Why did I push her away?  “and I was like, no way!!”  What am I gonna do now?  “oh my god, Obama is NOT the antichrist!”  She was a b***h anyway. “you can’t tell me that good s**t doesn’t just fall into your lap” She’s probably f*****g him right now. “it’s all the same once they’re on they’re back” I’m better off alone. “the federal reserve isn’t even a government institution”  I am so tired of the upheaval. “my luck is absolute s**t”  F**k it! F**k it! F**K IT!!!

            He pulled his head out of his hands, stood up, and pushed his way out of the booth.

            “Well excuse you, man”, he ignored the comment and made his way back to his seat, at that moment his phone rang.

            “Hello”

            “Jesse, it’s dad”

            “What’s up?”

            “I got some bad news”

            “Ahhhh, what is it?”, he took a deep breath.

            “Well uh, Paul is dead”

            “What?!!? How?!!?”

            “They aren’t entirely sure, but they think it might be suicide”

            “What the f**k”

            “I’m sorry son”

            “What the f**k!”, he sat in silence for a few moments, pulling at his hair and banging his knuckles on his skull.

            “Son, you there?”

            “Yeah I’m here”, there were a few more moments of silence.

            “When is the wake and funeral?”

            “I think they are just gonna have a memorial cus he’s gonna be cremated, they haven’t set an exact date yet”

            “OK, well call me when you have more info, I’ll be home in a few days”

            “Alright son, take care”

            “Bye Dad”

            He flipped his cell phone closed and hung his head. Sadness fell over him but no tears came. He stuffed his emotions into a corner of his mind like he always did.

            Paul was his best friend while growing up but he hadn’t seen much of him for the past few years. Their parents were still friends so he received updates about Paul all the time and lately they weren’t happy ones. Paul had fallen into heroin and never crawled out. Then took the easy way out, or was it the hard way?

            Now he really needed another beer, but first he stopped in the bathroom to take a few hits off his pipe. He held the pot in his lungs as long as possible so there wouldn’t be any smoke. He stared at himself in the mirror, as the pot took effect he felt his sadness sink deeper into his mind.

            “So long Paul”, he opened the door and made his way back to the bar. The man and woman were still there arguing but didn’t even look up at him as he passed. As he stood in line he realized that the kid Jesse that was sitting next to him earlier was now in front of him in line. He never usually engaged strangers but due to the alcohol and pot his inhibitions were down.

            “Hey you’re Jesse right?”

            “Yeah, and you are?”

            “My names Jesse also.”, he stuck out his hand and they shook.

            “Those guys earlier thought you were kind of a dick.”

            “Whatever man I got a lot on my mind and didn’t feel like debating with anyone, especially about politics, so where you headed?”

            “New Jersey, me and my girl just broke up.”

            “No s**t? Me and my girl just broke up too and I’m on my way back to Connecticut, where you comin from?”

            “Eugene, Oregon”

            “No way man, that’s f****n crazy, I was in Portland!”

            “That is kinda weird, huh?”

            “So what brought you out to Eugene?”

            “My girl got an internship in Chemistry so we moved out”

            “This is just too much.”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “Dude, my girl got an internship in Culinary and that’s why we moved out.”

            “Wow, that is fucked, we have the same name, we both moved to Oregon from the east coast with girlfriends who had internships, broke up with them and now are on the same train going home, that’s insane.”

            “O.K. now here’s the real test, what was your girlfriends name?”

            “Karen”

            Jesse couldn’t believe it.

            “No f****n’ way!”

“What man?”

“My girlfriends name was Karen too.”

“Now yer just bullshittin me.”, the kid shook his head and laughed.

“No man I’m serious as hell, this is wild.”

“Well it was nice meeting you man, I need to get a beer.”

            Jesse could tell by the look on his face that he thought he was lying but every word was true. He got his beer and found a booth to sit alone and think about it. What are the odds of something like that happening he thought. The fact that he even decided to talk to him, the fact that he ended up on the same train and right behind him in line. He thought about choices, he thought about decisions, he thought about Paul, he thought about fate and free will and decided there must be some kind of balance between the two. In that moment he felt all his doubts about his future and past disappear because he knew and felt deep within himself that there was absolutely nowhere else on earth that he was supposed to be at that moment.