the toughest of them all

did I ever tell you that I loved you? I know I must have. words didn’t mean anything to me, but did they ever mean something to you? would things have been different if I had said it more, louder, stronger, with more intent? if it would have, I wish I had. I wish I had been more for you the way you were the most to me. but all I was was all I could be: callous and guarded
     I never gave you the love you deserved. my love was a distant, censored kind of love that never could have satisfied you. you gave me your warmest touch and your rawest feeling but that wasn’t enough for me. I needed constant reassurance because, the truth is, I was just small and scared.
    what you were cannot be summed up in so few words. you were the source of greatest joy and deepest anguish. you were a feeling in your own right. you were warmth, strength, admiration, and love. but you were also inadequacy, and courage torn apart by fear. I could love you but I couldn’t belittle you by thinking that you should stay by me. I knew you deserved more but I dreaded the day when you would find it.
I know that I’m alone because I pushed you away. I only wish that somewhere amidst all those cold silences, I had let you know why.