The Interview

A not-so-normal woman comes in for an interview to be a chauffeur.

The Interview

Leighanne Colfield 

 

 

Setting: The stage is set with a desk and chair down stage left with a man, presumably the interviewer, sitting down awaiting his next applicant to come in.

 

ENTER Wilma Jane: A prominent woman in her late 40’s. Frazzled/confused expression, hair that looks as if an entire zoo nests in it, and attire that resembles a clown who was kicked out of clown college. She has a very thick southern accent to the point where it is audibly indecipherable.

 

Scene:

 

Interviewer- Welcome- Miss, um- Wilma Jane… Kibbler-puff?

 

Wilma- proudly Yup! That would be me. That is my name. Don’t wear it out, yessiree. That would. Be. My. name!!

 

Interviewer- Right. Okay so I’ve taken a look at your application, you say you are a- sorry- a chauffeur for cats? Is that right? Am I reading that right?

 

Wilma- Yessiree bob. I chauffeur cats, dogs, kittens, lizards, household mice- but the cats usually eat those- and well, just about any household pet! I take ‘em where they need to go. To the pet store to buy supplies, to the alley ways if that’s where they live, and well just about anywhere they tell me!

 

Interviewer- Okay. So, Miss-

 

Wilma- Oh please call me Wilma. I don’t need no formality! Hell I work with animals!

 

Interviewer- Well, in a professional setting- you know what- nevermind, Wilma, what makes you qualified to chauffeur our clients?

 

Wilma- Clients? Oh well. You see, since I work with cats, dogs, kittens, lizards and such, I don’t think working with humans would be any different! Nosiree I mean, we all make noises and get messy sometimes anyway, right? I always have to steam clean those darn seats in my pickup cause those darn kittens don’t know how to keep their little bladders in check cause well they are kittens-

 

Interviewer- Miss- Wilma- let’s save that for later. Now, I’m going to ask you again. We are a business devoted to providing the utmost quality and care for our clients, who happen to be actors and actresses for Broadway. They are busy people and we as a company provide a service to them. Now, what makes you, Wilma Jane-

 

Wilma- Yup that’s my name!

 

Interviewer- Yes I know, what makes you qualified to drive our clients around for their busy schedules?

 

Wilma- Well, hell! I’m always driving my kittens, cats, dogs, lizards, and sometimes the occasional alley rat just anywhere they need to go! I take ‘em this way and that and I just love it. Sometimes I pick them up when I’m driving and look at their precious little noses and ears and kiss em and this one time I accidentally fender bender’d with the car in front of me cause I holdin little Rufus and well he done peed out of his cute little willy and well I don’t like being wet, it freaks me out, ya see, whispers, I hate the water just like my cats! And well I just done smacked the car in front of me! It was quite the funny scene, except the part where I got arrested. But I guess I won’t tell you that part cause well, I really need this job sir. I’ve got five kids at home and they are just my everything. I feed them anything I find, one alley rat I found, his name was Gilbert, I had to fry him up on the grill and well, you see, I fed him to my kids- you get the point mister, I need this here job real bad. Or else I’m in for it good with the police. I’ll do anything I’ve got so many kids and puppies and cats back home that need a-feeding-

 

Interviewer- Miss- Wilma, where exactly is home for you?

 

Wilma- Oklahoma! Grand ol’ Okly!  I sure do love it there. My little kitties and puppies can roam free and capture that durn rat infestation in my yard I got there and well they just have a great time, they’re just so durn cute!

 

Interviewer- You came all the way to New York from Oklahoma for this job interview?

 

Wilma- Yessireee bob I sure did.

 

Interviewer- calling security whispering- Need security asap room 211.

 

Wilma- Who ya talking to? Well gosh durn it, I’m right here! You know, I sure do miss my babies, my kitties, my lizards, and birds, and well Ive got one precious little hedgehog as well and he’s just so durn cute. Gosh, I need this job mister or I’m going to have to eat all my precious little babies and you don’t want me doing that do ya?

 

Interviewer- under his breath- I don’t give two s***s if you eat them or not-

 

Enter Security Guard

 

Security officer- Is this the woman, Mr. Allan?

 

Interviewer- Yes, yes. For the love of god, take her away.

 

Wilma- Hi! Hey, whatcha doin’ here? Ooh. Notices feline hair on uniform, takes it off, sniffs it, eats it.

 

Security-  Ma’am I need you to come with me. Slightly less audible: We’re taking you to a nice padded room.

 

Interviewer- Get her out of my room now!

 

Wilma- Oh I love padded things, reminds me of how soft my kitties are. Will there be kittens?

 

Security- Oh well…yes, there are tons of kitties where we’re going, don’t you worry ma’am.

 

Wilma- Oh what a dream come true! Oh I almost forgot! To officer- Can you put in a good word for me for this job? I needs it real bad. To Interviewer- I’m real sorry mister, I need this job so bad. But, well ya see this here man just came out of nowhere like a gift from god telling me there’s kittens. Well, ya see, I’ve gotta go see these cats. I wonder where they will want to go! I just bet they are so cute! As they exit to guard- I think I got the job!

 

Exit Guard and Wilma

 

Interviewer- She has cat to be kitten me right meow….

Author's Note

This is my first play so the formatting isn't correct. let me know what suggestions you have, though.