Don't give up

a short story i wrote when i felt depressed

the truth can be hard to handle when your put in a situation such as the one I faced my suicidal mind. A memorable day I will never forget, she cared... so much, I never took the time to notice it though. I was to wrapped up in selfish schedule to notice her. The pressure of school the bullies constant way of torture, shoving me into the locker throwing my books all over the place, throwing me to the ground.
my appearance was nothing like anyone else in the whole school, but then again when you live in a small town you really stand out if you wear what I wear. black clothes from head to foot, chains around my neck and wrists covering up the shame I hid from everyone. My hair brushed into my eyes so no one really knew what I was looking at or could read my eyes. I could never lie when you looked deep into my eyes. I considered them a curse... but for some reason she found it very special in her eyes.
I remember what my dad always said "conform like them, you'll die like them" and because of that I've never really fit in with any kind of group in the school. I write poetry, stories, expressing myself as much as I can, but for some odd reason I still felt as if I was missing something... A friend? someone I could talk to? or was I feeling sorry for myself because I can't fit in with any of the other kids at my school? This friendship thing never really seemed to work for me because I felt scared and pushed aside all the time. seeing kids talk amongst themselves about what happened last weekend or some other load of BS that they fill their minds with.

The house felt cold as I lie in my bed trying to fall asleep. the roof so plain, I felt sick to my stomach, the light fixture hanging from the middle of the roof as if wanting to leave this horrid place. I turned over looking to the right of me, my dresser practically touching my nose, as I shifted uncomfortably in my bed trying to drowned out my thoughts of pain. Memories of my mother screaming in my mind. it's been almost 2 weeks since then... I thought I cried all I had to cry, but the tears still came out as I slept in mental pain my mind couldn't comprehend.
why are there still tears for someone I've never really known that well...
I shifted again and turned my head to the ceiling again only to see the same light fixture staring back at me, as if wanting to impale as I lie in my bed.
I could hear my father crying himself to sleep in the next room. I knew how much he meant to her... and how much she meant to me. again my eyes started to water at the thought of her.
I may not have been the best son but I knew I was hers and she cared for me in many more way then I could ever comprehend. I felt as if there was nothing left. I looked to the window which was 3 feet above my head. The moon shining as it always did, even on that day that she died.
I slowly lifted my head, then my body... I crawled out of my bed and started to walk towards the door. I could clearly see my way to the door because the moon was shining bright as the sun through my window, as if guiding me through a darkness that I couldn't escape without it. I turned to the window above my head tears still running down my face.
"mom.... forgive me..."
My father heard me walking down the hall towards the garage. So many things I racing in my head, I walked up to the van tears rolling down my cheeks. I could picture her fake little smile as every morning she waved to me and slowly back out of the driveway.
I dropped down to my knee's holding myself in my arms. I rolled onto my side still holding myself as if wishing it were my mother. the van sitting there as if waiting for me to finish my little emotional breakdown. I felt alone... lying there on the cold cement floor, which was starting to break apart from the cold temperature of the winter.
I felt arms wrap around me which brought some warmth to my body, as I slowly lifted off the ground and into my fathers arms.
"I'm here with you, no matter what"
my arms went around my fathers neck, and I hugged him as if I haven't seen him in years. "I miss her... I miss her" I managed to get that out before I started to breath heavily. the tears never seem to end that night. we stayed in that garage most of the night crying and holding each other realizing we both lost a part of ourselves when mom died.