Dull thinker

I am stupid.

On the sunnyside of life

My eyes are burned from toxic smiles full of

Bleach and peroxide

And whatever else is in crest white strips.

Right now I’m stuck in a perma frown

Along with those botox addicted ladies trying to get rid of it.

I’m stuck in this bubble of smoke and I like the way

I can’t breathe

I’m trapped in a glass box

And I’m throwing stones

And they’re coming back and hitting me in the face and kidneys

The glass is pretty thick.

My skin is pretty thick

My skull is pretty thick

And I’m thinking and my thoughts are tumbling and twisting and thrashing

And talking.

I’m talking to myself.

I’m wedged between the two fat sweaty bodies

Of those I hate

And those I distrust

In other words…

I’m wedged between two mirrors.

I see myself

Clear as a bell I see myself.

And I’m a mess.

I wish I could scream but I would probably startle

Myself in the making.

Coral reef might feel nice to sleep on.

It might wake me up and realize my dreams aren’t

What’s in front of me now.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Adam Chambers]

OK, told you I'd get to your stuff, so here I am... : )
First things first, I absolutely love this poem. Its great. Sweet, funny, endearing, open, refreshing, different, engaging. Really good! I'm just going to make a few suggestions, cuz that's what we're all here for... Here goes:

On the sunnyside of life
(ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL BY THE WAY HOW YOU TRANSITION HERE...)
My eyes are burned from toxic smiles full of
(ONE WORD I'M STUMBLING OVER IS "SMILES" THOUGH/ WOULD SOMETHING ELSE WORK BETTER?)
Bleach and peroxide
NOW I GET IT-- MAYBE A DIFFERENT LINE BREAK TO PUT THE SURPRISE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
And whatever else is in crest white strips.

Right now I'm stuck in a perma frown
HOW GREAT IS THAT? PERMA FROWN
Along with those botox addicted ladies trying to get rid of it.
I'M FEELING LIKE 'LADIES TRYING TO GET RID OF IT' IS A LITTLE AWKWARD
I'm stuck in this bubble of smoke and I like the way
THIS IS PERFECT-- COULDN'T BE MORE PERFECT
I can't breathe
I DON'T GET IT 100% LITERALLY BUT THAT'S OK, ITS ENDEARING AND WONDERFUL
I'm trapped in a glass box
THE GLASS BOX THING-- I DON'T GET THIS UNTIL LATER WHEN YOU DESCRIBE THE MIRRORS...
And I'm throwing stones

And they're coming back and hitting me in the face and kidneys
THESE 2 LINES ARE BEAUTIFUL; HIDDEN MEANINGS, VERY SUBTLE, CUTE, AND THE KIDNEYS THING IS A NICE SURPRISE
The glass is pretty thick.

My skin is pretty thick

My skull is pretty thick
THIS IS WORKING BUT JUST WITH THE LINE BREAKS A LITTLE CHOPPY, I'M WONDERING IF YOU COULD DO IT GRAMATICALLY A LITTLE DIFFERENT
And I'm thinking and my thoughts are tumbling and twisting and thrashing
OK, THIS NEXT LITTLE SEGUE:
And talking.
ISN'T QUITE WORKING THE WAY I KNOW YOU HAD IN MIND
I'm talking to myself.
I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE GOING NEXT THOUGH:
I'm wedged between the two fat sweaty bodies

Of those I hate
HOW ABOUT 'OF THE ONE I HATE'
And those I distrust
'AND THE ONE I DISTRUST'... ?
In other words�
DON'T THINK YOU NEED THE DOT DOT DOT HERE, DOT DOT DOT
I'm wedged between two mirrors.

I see myself

Clear as a bell I see myself.
HOW ABOUT:
I see myself clear as a bell I see
myself

And I'm a mess.

I wish I could scream but I would probably startle

Myself in the making.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT 'IN THE MAKING'
Coral reef might feel nice to sleep on.
AM NOT GETTING THE CORAL REEF THING
It might wake me up and realize my dreams aren't

What's in front of me now.
I THINK I GET THE END, BUT THE REST IS SO WONDERFUL, THE END COULD STAND A LITTLE BOOST... TO PACK A LITTLE BIT MORE OF A VERBAL PUNCH

AGAIN, THESE ARE JUST ONE PERSON'S SUGGESTIONS, ONLY SHARED IN ORDER TO TRY AND HELP; MY MAIN MESSAGE IS that I completely adore this poem and the endearing mind that is wrapped up in it; I can see you put your SELF into it, and it works and its funny and very very sweet and I like it alot! Maybe just a few little TWEEKS and its a valedictorian... : )

Sincerely,
Adam

[William Usry]

I will never look at teeth bleaching the same way again.

This poem is great...the seemingly random and arbitrary arrangement really comes together at the end to form a solid message that resonates with the reader. Great ending line...really delivered that final punch that drives the point all the way home.

[Collect-Eye]

Just let it happen..it's the only way it will pass.
Equal parts detachment and empathy are in order.
The equation for stupid is 1/smart + (doubt X illusion).
and vitality = power - obstruction.
so toss a grenade at your worries and step over the mess.
You're on your path. Most are not. Sleep well under this knowledge.
This is how we smile during a financial crisis,
and others develop hemmorhoids.

[After the Blackbird Sin..]

I think it was pretty good. Very descriptive.

[Jennifer Elizabeth]

wow. incredible.

that's all i really have to say.

[Chris Willits]

I like it's original and funny. It seems kind of hectic as well like a bad day at work or in life in general. I enjoyed it.

[JR]

You certainly open with an ironic statement, compared with what follows� "On the sunnyside of life," is followed by, "I can't breathe / I'm trapped in a glass box," which immediately works to draw the reader in. Nice. I read this as a person who is buried by the progression of modern life, someone who is swept away despite their struggle against the quirks and draws of modern life:

"My eyes are burned from toxic smiles full of
Bleach and peroxide
And whatever else is in crest white strips �"

In this way, you make something that most, if not all readers, can identify with, which is effective poetry because you involve the reader. Your images, while simple in construct, are highly original, the way you connect and layer them... :

"The glass is pretty thick.
My skin is pretty thick
My skull is pretty thick �"

... And.... :

"I'm talking to myself.
I'm wedged between the two fat sweaty bodies
Of those I hate
And those I distrust"

... I found particularly effective. I think this is where I was really caught up in the poem. The pace and tone were very well crafted, and kept me reading. Awesome.

I would suggest cutting out some of the words that aren't necessary in order to purify the imagery and intent. The more you can boil this poem down to the essential driving force, the more you will affect your readers and make them consider their own view of the world. See:

"The glass is pretty thick.
My skin, pretty thick
My skull, pretty thick
I'm thinking, thoughts are tumbling, twisting, thrashing �"

Allow the reader to make their own connections with the words� the brain really doesn't register "and" anyway, just notes it's place and skips right the hell over. Now, written without the word, the brain will automatically substitute the commas for "ands," and the effect is the same. See? Plus, you've boiled the poem down to it's bare bones. If you're so inclined, apply this template to the rest of the poem and see what you end up with� if the word doesn't have weight, strip it out.

Watch where you break your lines� if the break is logical, it will flow. Don't break in the middle of thoughts or images, unless the break is a natural one. Note:

"My eyes are burned from toxic smiles full of
Bleach and peroxide �"

would work better on the reader (or, at least, easier on the reader's eye) if it was:

"My eyes are burned from toxic smiles
Full of bleach and peroxide"

because the thought is complete, and the line isn't weakened by ending on a modifier/preposition/connection, see? If you keep your ending words strong, solid, usually nouns, that's what will linger in the reader's mind as their eye resets from right to left on the page. If you leave this broken, they will tend to try to rush the connection, and this leads to confusion, re-reading, and ultimately a tendency to give up on a piece.

I love your word usage and the way you've set up the overall structure of this poem� it was a very refreshing read from some of the flotsam that ends up coming my way. I'm impressed. I'll come back and read more at a later date.

[Josh Shepherd]

I read this alloud and the words seems to sharply sink to one another.
A certain indignance seems to slid from the page.
I love the short little sentences. They add to the general effect; shouting the point with a kind of in-your-face agression (passive agression for what its worth).