Dreams

Chapter 3
    It seemed that I waited forever, holding Ren’s hand, watching him slip away from me.  Sometimes he groaned and moved in the grip of the fever, but mostly he just lay there, still and pale as if death had already claimed him.
I kept crying, hoping the Tayre would respond to my tears as she had before and also because I could not stop.  While I cried, I could not collect my thoughts enough to remember why I cared so much whether he lived or died.  While I cried, all I could feel was anger at the way he dragged me into the forest and the cruel way he had treated me, but I could not cry forever.
Eventually, my sorrow gave way to a stuffed nose and eyes that burned.  My head ached fiercely and lay down again beside Ren, to keep him warm, I lied to myself.  I lay down in front of him, putting my back against the curves of his body and pulling his arms around me.  His warmth sent me drifting off into sleep once more and my dreams remembered what my waking mind refused to entertain.

“Look at the stars,”  Ren spoke from behind me.  “Aren’t they bright and clear tonight?  Wouldn’t you like to go there someday?”
“To a star?”  I laughed.  “How would we get there?”
“We would fly of course.  I would take you in my arms and we would close our eyes and lift off the ground. And we would never have to come back to this place.”
“Ren, why do you want to leave so much.”  I turned to look at him, barely able to see him in the darkness.
“I hate the darkness.  I hate the way the trees surround us and fence us in.  I hate that we are afraid to see what is on the other side of the mountains.  I hate how the sun doesn’t peek over the mountains until right before noon and how dusk begins three hours later.  I hate it that I can’t explore or discover because the trees, the Khresh, are effective as any set of iron bars.”  Ren spoke with passion and I could see he wasn’t looking at me, but beyond.
“Don’t speak of the Khresh,”  I whispered.  I don’t want them to hear us, to know that we are out past dark.”
“They are so evil, keeping us inside, keeping us from seeing what we are missing, the night’s glory, her lights that fill the sky.  All light is glory and all glory is light, just as your glory is the light in your eyes.”  Ren smiled at me, then stood and shouted at the forest.  “I WILL NOT STAY HERE FOREVER.  SOMEDAY I WILL BE FREE TO RULE ALL THE DAY AND ALL THE NIGHT AND WALK ABOUT LIKE A FREE MAN!”
“I promise you Elyssa, someday I will take you in my arms and fly you far away from here forever and I will never let you fear for anything again.  I don’t want to be free unless we can be free together.”
“I would love that Ren, but can’t you just take me in your arms?”  I pouted up at him.  He smiled and pushed me back down onto the blanket we had brought out to the meadow.  He lay down behind me and pulled me against him.  Every curve of his body hugging mine.  I held his hands as they held my waist.  He put his lips gently to the top of my head, then held me in silence, our breathing slowly relaxing into unison as we fell asleep, spending the whole night there, finally not afraid of the dark but revelling in the true glory of the night.

Reviews

[All faded blue]

In some ways, this is the best segment, you give us a little more insight into your characters struggle with her feelings for Ren, her convincing herself she is trying to keep him warm, and not needing the comfort for herself, and yet at the same time she recognizes that about herself. I also like how she drifted off into dreams of things remembered. Am waiting for much more, hopefully you are in the process of that???

[Livana Lowell]

Now this is better. I love the intense feelings she has for Ren.

While I cried, all I could feel was anger at the way he dragged me into the forest and the cruel way he had treated me, but I could not cry forever.

This right here, I kind of get it. When she says dragged, it's to add depth to it. Like emotionally she was dragged and not physically. And cruel way is to add depth too because she was basically made to watch him commit suicide (metaphorically speaking). If this is not so, then it's pretty confusing. But I'm intruiged again and I fully (not really, but better) understand Ren and Elyssa's relationship.

This is way better than the last chapter and I would like to read onward.

Anyways, it's good and I would like to read more.

[Twilight]

Despite the fact, that the life of Ren's lover is slowly slippin away, there are no exagerated emotions in this scene. Instead, your main character's feelings and thoughts are portrayed credibly (and in context). I enjoyed how you decided to express that imaginary conversation, in the mind of the protagonist, with her former lover, Ren! The language seems to be rather earnest and dramatic in tone, which certainly seems appropriate, in view of the topics unders discussion!

[Katherine Hall]

I am confused by the narrator's sudden anger at Ren for 'dragging her into the forest'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't she follow him in willingly? Or did I misread the last chapter?
I like the dream sequence; it gives the reader a better idea of Ren and his relationship with the narrator. I feel like some of the dialogue (particularly the last line) was a bit forced/unnatural-sounding, but then this is a dream, so it's not all going to 'sound' particularly right.
This chapter is the strongest so far. Good work.
~Katherine

[Twilight]

Just as interesting to read, as the first two chapters! Thankyou kindly, for adding this to the "BEYOND FANTASY" Group! Who will be next, to add a piece of writing to this Group?

[mirui]

I like it. great job.

[Lorelee Tate]

Still very good. I hope I make sense as I write this, since I have a terrible cold.

In any case, your writing is very clear and to the point. I really don't have anything to criticize about the writing itself, since it flows well and doesn't sound awkward. I still think you could do with a bit more detail, but you'll take care of that, I'm sure, in editing.

I did think the bit of dialogue at the end, in Elyssa's flashback, was a little stilted. Maybe it was just the fact that there wasn't a whole lot of description in there as well, but I think another look wouldn't hurt.

My last comment is really just my own opinion. I thought that this chapter was a little short. I could almost imagine it being combined with the last one. Another option would be to have the present of Elyssa and Ren in the forest after Elyssa's flashback. But again, just my opinion.

I hope you post the rest of this soon!

Lora

[We are young.]

Love, love it. Fantastic!