Ren

I did not remember until the day I saw Ren.  At first, I wasn’t sure if it was him.  I was watching the sheep once again and I saw him in the trees in the forest at the base of the mountain.  I was afraid.  All I could see was a dark figure, standing and watching me.  Then he turned and walked away and, in that moment, I knew who he was.  He had always walked gracefully, like a dancer.  Now his grace seemed almost deadly, yet there seemed to be a little left of the boy I had known.
“REN!”  I shouted after him, but either he did not hear me or he did not want to, because he walked away and did not turn back to look at me.  I sat on the ground and cried.  It was like losing him all over again.  Yet as I cried, my tears of despair turned to hope as I remembered the words of the Tayre.  Ren had survived the woods and the mountains and so would I.  Taking nothing with me but my lunch and my staff, I left the flock and went into the dark woods to follow after Ren.
I was soon lost and confused.  All the trees looked the same and I had never been out of our small valley-home.  It grew darker under the trees.  There were no lanterns to show the right path and I had not thought to bring a light.  I curled up underneath a tree in a small hollow filled with rotting leaves.  It was softer than the ground but it was wet and cold.  I couldn’t force myself to leave the small feeling of security it gave me and so I shivered throughout that entire long night.  I drifted into an uneasy sleep sometime around dawn.
When I awoke, it was once again cold and rainy.  I was soaking and no closer to finding my way.  It was overcast and the trees let through little light.  Sitting in the clearing all alone, I began to speak the words of the Ajaecir.  I was very afraid.  I reached the halfway point and an arm shot around me, holding me tightly, a dirty hand held firmly across my mouth.  My first instinct was to bite and bite hard.  I heard a muffled curse but the hand did not depart from my mouth.
“It is me, Ren,” I heard a familiar voice speaking in my ear.  “Peace, stop struggling.”
I finally pushed myself out of his arms.  “I must finish the Ajaecir.  The Khresh will find me.”  I could feel my lower lip trembling.  Part of me wanted to give Ren the dressing down of his life, the other wanted to leap into his arms and never let go.  I never discovered which I would have chosen.  Ren grabbed my arm in a white-fingered grip, his face draining of all colour.
“How far did you get?” He asked solemnly.
“A little more than halfway.”  His fear began to scare me too.
“The Khresh are meant to keep us in the valley.  The Ajaecir keeps us in fear and it does protect us. . .in the valley.  We cannot hide from the Khresh in the valley.  They always know where we are.  Here in the forest, they cannot sense us, unless some fool recites the words to call them.  Here, words do not protect us, they expose us.”
“What words?”
“The Ajaecir.  You may have led them right to us.  Let us hope you did not get far enough.  We must go from here and the quicker the better.  They will be tracking us.  They know you have escaped.”
He ran and I stumbled along behind him.  Our reunion was not as I imagined it.  He was angry and hard, not the sweet, tender boy I had known.  I still trusted him though.  I would not run after him if it was not so.  His rage smoldered just below the surface, clearly visible in his eyes, yet I knew I would follow him anywhere.  It seems we ran for hours.  He never looked back to see if I was still there, just kept racing away from me into the trees, barely staying within sight distance.
Finally I could see the foot of the mountain through the trees and Ren acknowledged me once again.  He ran back, grasping my hand and pulling me with him toward the mountain.
“If we climb the mountain, they will not find us.”  The ghost of his old smile was on his face.  I smiled back, but he pulled away from me, bringing his features back to their inscrutable darkness.
It was at that moment that we heard it, the scream of the Khresh.  Ren grabbed my hand once again and pulled me to the foot of the mountain, we still had time, but not much.
When we reached the mountain, hope fled.  There was no easy mountain path but rather a sheer rock wall, spreading out on either side as far as the eye could see.  I began to tremble in fear.
Ren looked at me once again, the fierceness still on his face, but not directed towards me.  “I will not let them hurt you.”  He led me to a cleft in the rock wall.  “The Khresh come to the smell of your blood.  I think I can fool them.”  He slashed the palm of my hand shallowly with his knife.  “Put your blood on my back.”
“Ren, no.”  I looked up into his face in horror.
“Do as I say.  It is the only way.”  He pulled off his jacket and ragged shirt, presenting his back toward me.  I did as he asked, nearly fainting from the sight of the scars that crisscrossed his broad back.  He wedged me into the cleft and covered it with his body and, winding my fingers into his beltloops, he spoke again.  “Hold on to my beltloops.  Don’t let them take me away with them.  And don’t let them see any part of you, or they will know I am not the one they seek.”
“Ren, they will hurt you.” 
He looked at me with the same tenderness I had always remembered.  “I know, but I will not let them hurt you.”
The Khresh screamed again, closer this time.  Then they were right beside us.  I could see the claws coming down on the top of his shoulder and the blood began spilling down.  I buried my face in Ren’s bare chest, my tears mingling with his sweat and blood.  He shuddered and cried out.  I could hear the breathing of the monster, a harsh rasping and a gentle huff that sounded like laughter.  I could feel Ren’s body jerking with every movement of the creature’s claws, his breath coming faster, moaning and occasionally crying out.  He gripped my shoulders hard enough to leave bruises.  Finally, he screamed once, horribly, and went limp and I knew he had fainted. 
I kept my whiteknuckled grip on his beltloops, refusing to let him fall.  There was a great pulling and he was almost torn from my grasp, but I wedged myself deeper into the crack in the stone wall and pulled back.  The pressure released and I was left to the daunting task of keeping Ren upright until I was sure the Khresh were gone.
I waited for a long time.  I thought they were gone, but I would not let go unless I was sure and I was afraid to look out in case they would hear me and Ren’s sacrifice would be for nothing.  It was cold, even wedged in tightly with Ren’s body protecting me from the wind and I ached to think of how cold he would be.  I held him up, thankful that he had slumped forward into the cleft when he fainted, and I waited.
Finally, my fingers numb and my arms shaking, I emerged from my hiding place.  I tried to let Ren down slowly but he was at least a foot taller than I and I had to drop him the last couple of feet.  He moaned horribly then and lay still.  He was pale and my heart ached for him.
There was a small waterfall dripping down the rock face.  It was ice cold but his wounds had to be washed.  I looked in his pack, hoping he had bandages of some sort.  There was nothing in his pack but some dried fruit and a musty old blanket.  I couldn’t use it.  It was too thick to tear and I didn’t know what might lurk in the grime that coated it, making it impossible to discern the original color.
For the first time in my life, I was grateful my mother was conservative and always made me wear a petticoat.  I tore it into strips, soaking some of them and setting the others aside.  I washed the blood off his back, chest and shoulders.  Goosebumps appeared on his skin, but I could not start a fire to warm the water.  He moaned again but did not awaken, even as I tied the bandages.  I somehow managed to get him back into his shirt.  It took a while and I was sure my pulling and tugging would wake him but he remained unconscious.
I managed to find a relatively dry and sheltered area covered in dead dry leaves.  I dragged Ren there and buried both him and the blanket in the dry leaves.  I slipped under the blanket and curled up next to Ren.  As our body heat mingled, my teeth stopped chattering and I finally grew warm and, feeling Ren’s warm presence nearby, I finally fell asleep.
I woke when the sun was high in the sky.  It was far too warm underneath the blanket, but it wasn’t because of the blanket, the sun or the leaves.  Ren still had not awakened and he burned with fever.  It was then that the guilt and fear threatened to overwhelm me.  I sat next to Ren. Looking at his still, pale face, shaking, my teeth chattering, struggling to hold back the tears, I knew I was in trouble.  I did not know where to go and I did not know how to heal him.  I remembered those in my village who had been clawed by the Khresh and left behind.  They too burned with fever, many had not survived and those who did were never quite right again.
I grabbed Ren’s shoulder, calling his name as loud as I could, but it was no use.  It was at that moment that I remembered the Tayre.  She had heard me before and she had come to my rescue.  Perhaps she would do so again.

 

Reviews

[All faded blue]

First paragraph definately has that dreamlike quality, you have the dark figure standing and watching, who she recognizes and calls to, but who walks away. As before, I think more detail is called for. It would be good to have some history of who Ren really is, and also who your main character is. We don't know much about her, and really need more information to be able to relate to what she is going through.

Why do the khresh seek out their victims for blood?
The petticoat episode would be stronger if there had been some account of interaction between the heroine and her mother in a previous part. Just suggestion.

Again, I am intrigued with this, would definately like to see more from you.

[Livana Lowell]

"REN!" I shouted after him, but either he did not hear me or he did not want to, because he walked away and did not turn back to look at me. I sat on the ground and cried. It was like losing him all over again. Yet as I cried, my tears of despair turned to hope as I remembered the words of the Tayre. Ren had survived the woods and the mountains and so would I. Taking nothing with me but my lunch and my staff, I left the flock and went into the dark woods to follow after Ren.

This paragraph made me dislike almost all of it because I didn't like her motive for going after Ren. I mean I understand that's her best friend and all, but if she called to him and didn't respond, she wouldn't sit on the ground and cry, but just by impulse go after him.

But, maybe the character relationships are too vague or too disjointed or I mean I still don't quite get who Ren truly is, but as the reader, I haven't gotten a clear picture of who I'm dealing with yet. It's like what All faded blue said, we don't know much about her to really care for her.

[Katherine Hall]

Far too abrupt, disjointed, and too much exposition in this chapter. What happened in the months between Ezra disappearing and Ren appearing? If he had been gone for a long time, why did the narrator only call his name and then start crying? This whole opening sequence was unfortunately rather unbelievable.
So, too, is the narrator's abrupt decision to leave the safety of the valley and head into the woods. Again, referring to the opening of this story, you have created a society paralyzed by fear. It would take much more, I think, than a brief vision of an old friend to spur the narrator into just up and going headfirst into danger.
There needs to be more actual understanding as to who Ren is. We need to see him act and speak. Until we get some concrete idea of who he is, the exposition surrounding him (the rage, the fierceness, the tenderness, etc.) is empty.
I look forward to reading more--it is quite interesting thus far.
~Katherine

[Twilight]

"throughout that entire long night", is not quite right. Since you hjave already used the word "throughout", it is simply not necessary (or useful) to include "entire" in the same sentence - because it has the same meaning if you omit "entire".

I liked the irony of your reference to a delicate "petticoat", in contrast with the harsh environment and situations faced by your main character. Was that intentional, I wonder? Either way, it helped to add a little realism. Indeed, the accumulative effect of such minor details, can often hold together the otherwise fragile components of a narrative. On the otherhand, too much is not always helpful to the reader. For example, it delays the reader from reading what happens next (thus slowing down the pace of your narrative). Also, it can discourage a reader from imagining what a scene looks like for him/herself!

Now, most of the other reviewers have also made some positive comments, which you deserve! But, good old Lora, (bless her), she is still emphasising HER problem with your supposed lack of detail! Plus, I am not sure why she has to make this critical remark again? And, anyway, she could have said so in a private message?

[mirui]

Good job. This is a fantastic story.

[Political Punk ~~ CBD]

very good, would like to see more

[We are young.]

I love this story so much, The second one today that hasn't put me to sleep

[Lorelee Tate]

I didn't think this chapter was quite as good as the last, but it still had plenty of merit. What I said about detail in the previous chapter still applies, though.

I had a hard time relating to the characters here. It wasn't that I didn't understand why all of they acted the way they did, but I didn't feel as though I knew them well enough to empathize with them. One thing that might help would be to show how Ren was before he left, instead of just saying he was tender and kind. I think it would help to give an example of how everyone's life was before this whole ordeal with Ren and Ezra and the Khresh. There was the mention of the main character's conservative mother always making her wear a petticoat. I thought that little detail brought a little more depth, but it still wasn't enough. Maybe it would seem a little more ironic if the main character's mother had already been shown lecturing her about her petticoat. Also, on a slightly different note, why did Ren leave in the first place? I got the feeling it was before what happened with Ezra, so I don't really understand. Perhaps this will be explained later...?

I hope you add more of this story soon. I'm enjoying it.

Lora