Khresh

For as long as I remember, my people were plagued by the Khresh.  We lived in our valley and lived in constant fear.  We never dared to traverse the mountains that kept us separated from the outside world.  We weren’t even sure if anything existed beyond the forbidding peaks that blocked the sun and menaced us with their shadow.
From the moment we are old enough to understand, we live in terror.  From the moment we can speak, we are taught the Ajaecir, the words of warding that keep the Khresh at bay.  We could never relax.  The reminders were too many.  Children and adults would be found, fearsome claw marks ripping open their backs.  Some would simply disappear, never to be heard from again.  Still, it never touched me until the summer I was seventeen, on that cold and rainy day when my brother forgot.
I had reminded him three times.  The last time, he told me he had.  I believed him.  My little brother was tall and blond.  He had a crooked grin that could charm little old ladies out of dozens of cookies and an air of command that caused everyone to follow him.  But he was also arrogant and he never would listen.
 I didn’t want to go with him to the far pasture that day, but I knew if I didn’t I would be stuck baking at home.  Herding the sheep in the rain seemed like a better option. We walked along, talking quietly together.  My brother was throwing rocks at squirrels and we laughed through chattering teeth at their antics.  And then I heard it.  I had only heard it once before, on the night Ren disappeared.  It was a chilling cry, a sound of hopelessness and desperation and. . .loneliness.  I looked at my brother’s face, three shades whiter than normal and I knew.
“You told me you had done it!”  I moaned.
He looked down into my eyes, he was scared. “I planned to.  I just forgot.”  He began mumbling words under his breath, the Ajaecir.
“It’s too late.  He screamed and marked you as his own.”  I was shaking too.
“I have to try.” He yelled, the first time my brother had ever raised his voice to me.  It was then that I caught my first glimpse of the monster that haunted our waking hours.  I had impressions of inky blackness, flashing teeth and large serrated claws, then I put my head down on my knees and wailed, too afraid to run.  My brother’s cries stopped abruptly and all I could hear was the creature’s breathing.  I could hear it coming closer.  With agonizing slowness, it caught the shoulder of my dress.  I heard the ripping of wet cloth and my back was laid bare to wind and rain.
It cut me slowly, starting at my right shoulder.  The pain made me sob louder, but I couldn’t move to run.  He was inches away from my spine.  A melodious voice spoke from the trees and just as quickly, the Khresh was gone.
I think I fainted, but I am not sure.  I only know that I woke to the ancient young face of a Tayre. She had ebony skin and was clothed in diaphanous mists of light.  She was tall, taller than any other woman I had ever seen and she carried a sword.  It too was made of light, but keen, sharp and beautiful.  She smiled down at me and spoke. At least, I think she spoke.  I heard a voice, but her lips never moved.
“Their time has come.  Find Ren, you will find Ezra.  Go to the mountains. Bring your brother home.  Do the right thing Elyssa and you will be free.”  She touched my shoulder, the pain disappeared and then she was gone, leaving me with too many questions to count.
I hadn’t thought about Ren for years.  My brother and I had grown up with him.  Ezra was only 15 months younger than me and Ren was about the same amount older than I.  We had been inseparable, always getting each other into trouble and basically driving everyone in our small town crazy.  Even at the age of fourteen, Ren was fearless, and one day he decided he would take on the Khresh single handedly.  He deliberately did not protect himself and went up into the pastures alone.  I never saw him again, I only heard the screams.  I wrenched my thoughts away from those memories.  Ren was my best friend, but he was dead and I would never see him again.
I looked around me, fearing I would see Ezra’s body lying on the ground, torn and bleeding, but he was gone.  Yet even though he might still be alive, he was dead to me and I would never see him again.  I pushed the words of the Tayre out of my mind and, bracing myself for my return as the bearer of bad news, I walked slowly home.
I was beaten, my mother cried, my father stormed around the cottage in a rage, but no one suggested action.  We feared the Khresh and Ezra was lost to us and there was nothing we could do.  I pushed the words of the Tayre to the deepest place in my mind and never thought of it.  Life continued as normal.  We did our daily chores, ate and slept and no one mentioned our deep unspoken grief.

Reviews

[Lorelee Tate]

I am sufficiently intrigued. This could definitely use a bit of revising, but it has my interest.

I think it needs a bit more detail. I couldn't really visualize everything within the chapter, even though the chapter itself was exciting. It would be more realistic once there is greater detail of everything. Also, and this is strictly my opinion, but I think it might make it more effective to have Elyssa explaining this as it happens. Now, I haven't read the next chapter, so this might not work, but judging from what I have read I think that would be something to consider. I think the reader could get the sense that the Khresh terrorize everyone based upon the actions in the story, rather than a character telling it explicitly.

I was a little confused about who Ezra was, mainly because his name wasn't given until Tayre was speaking. It might be a good idea to give his name a little sooner.

Still, a very interesting beginning. I'll read the next chapter very soon.

Lora

[Livana Lowell]

One thing to remember is to leave the skin of the character to the imagination of the reader.

Also, I'm inferring that the Kresh must be a significant conflict and that the mentioning of the deaths of these characters must mean they're gonna come back or be somewhat important. I don't know, I haven't read all of it.

I do love the last line though because it makes me feel a little eagerness to know more and more.

I agree with Lorelee Taite, it could use more detail because it seems a little rushed. Slow it down.

Other than that, the plot had me interested and I couldn't stop reading afraid I'd miss something. I love the fantasic touch and for me to keep reading means it's gotta be good.

That was some kind of dream you had.

[ZangetsuKurosaki]

yes, it's a good start, but as the people below me said, add more detail.
to much detail is never a bad thing, you want the reader to feel the girls loss of her brother, the fathers rage at the loss of his son.
other than that, i liked it, and will come back and read more when i have the time
:]

[Jaeda]

I really liked it! There were a few little sentence flow problems, but still easy to read and it had a good storyline so far. I will keep reading!

[CLUTZ]

I like the opening chapter. I can't wait to read more

[Katherine Hall]

A pretty strong opening chapter!
Be wary of using too many long and/or unusual names. Cluttering a story with exotic names, especially all at the beginning, can be very off-putting for a reader. I noticed you never called the younger brother 'Ezra' until after he had already been taken. Before the creature arrives, he is only referred to as 'my brother'. I think his name should be introduced sooner, so to give him an identity.
Also, him 'forgetting' to protect himself seems a bit unbelievable considering the framework you have set up. These people live in terror of this khresh creature--I find it hard to believe that even the most headstrong boy would forget to do something he's been ingrained to do all his life. If nothing else, I would imagine his family wouldn't let him leave the house without doing it!
Strong start, looking forward to reading more

[Aurora Night]

You have me very intrigued. you explain things very well. I love the voice, but it could use a little bit of emotion. for example you could explain the rage of the dad and how it made the person feel.

[Twilight]

"I had reminded him three times". This line reminded me of the Biblical scene, in which one of the disciples denies knowing Jesus in the garden of Gethsamane. As this book was based on a real dream by the writer, perhaps that reference is due to some kind of subconscious influence?

Whilst Lora claims that this needs a little more detail, that it just a matter of opinion (to a certain degree). After all, this is your creation, Leah. There is no specific level of detail which you (or any of us), really has to comply with in a story or poem.

It does flow well, and there is certainly a structure to this opening chapter. You have established who your main characters are, and a little about the land in which they live. I also recognised the name Ezra, as appearing in the Bible. The writer really does have something here, as they say! I can't wait to read what happens, in the following chapter! Thankyou kindly, for adding this to the "BEYOND FANTASY" Group, for our fellow members to read, review and share....

[Ruth Carter]

Intriguing, full of mystery and wonder.

Are the chapters listed in order? Is this the first one?

[mirui]

This chapter was really good, and thanks for entering my contest.

[We are young.]

This definetly caught my interest! I love it