Pursuing Dawn

This is the sequel to "Flee Dark." I have been having lots of requests, so here it is!

    Long I have moaned and groaned about the chill. I complained that it was too dark to see and that the moist air settled in my bones. I whined that I hated the smell and despised walking through the mud. I have told many glwing tales of the life I left behind in the light. I have longed for the one who would come to lead us back to a life surrounded by light's purity.
    Now he has come, a young man full of fire, and I am hiding, afraid to act on my longings, afraid to admit that, despite all my words, I too love the dark and its protection. Now I long to stay. I would do anything to remain here and never be exposed again.
><><><
    Ray sank slowly onto the marshy ground. He was tired, cold, and he longed for a breath of fresh air. Aidan sat by a pitifully small fire, feeding it and pleading with it to stay alight. It smoked and hissed and appeared to do everything but burn. He too was tired, ready to collapse on the ground and forget about his fire, in spite of the cold and damp.
    Both felt they had been walking forever. In reality, they had been in the swamp for four days. In that time, they had been to thirty-eight homes. Of these, nine threatened them with shotguns, three had punched Ray in the face and twenty-five had simply turned away. One had been interested and said he hoped to go but would not go alone. His friends refused and he would not go without them.
    Every day, they walked deeper into the swamp. Every day it grew darker and wetter and more oppressive. An unwholesome murk sucked at their shoes. They were breathing hard, not just because it was hard to walk through the mud, but because there was barely enough air.
    Everything struggled for life in the poisonous air, everything but the moss and the bugs. Looking around, Ray could see the swamp had once been a glorious forest. The once-majestic trees were now shrouded by moss and ivy, rotting and bowed by the weight of the years, their pride brought low and sinking into the muck, dragging all light with them into the swamp's loathsome depths.
    Night was falling, bringing a deepening of the gloom. Soon there would be no light at all. Even if they could make their fire roar, it would not be enough to push back the darkness.
    Aidan and Ray huddled together around their tiny fire, trying to keep warm, and they waited for the passing of another shivering and sleepless night, praying that exhaustion would overpower them and perhaps they could find a few hours of peace.
Neither of them spoke. The only thing more lonely than the silence was a spoken word, suppressed and swallowed by the fetid air.
    Though they did not know it, their thoughts were the same. They both longed to leave the constant darkness and discouragement and live once more in the lighted meadow, to see the smile on old Emrys' face and to forget there had ever been such a thing as darkness.
    Finally, at about 3:00am, both fell asleep. Aidan slept the dreamless sleep of exhaustion, but Ray was haunted by the faces of his past. His father was there, longing for the light and afraid to lose his wife. Ray's mother was there also, her face frozen in the tormented rictus of death and her eyes alive and pleading.
    "Save me, Ray," she whispered from beyond the grave. Emrys looked at him with disappointment, sad that he had not been able to fulfill his purpose. Aidan shivered and wept, wishing he had never come. All around him were faces of strangers, lost, alone and dying, despair written in every line of their time-worn faces. Every one of them screaming. " You could not save us, Ray!" All their faces faded back into the noxious muck of the swamp and Ray woke up, shuddering.
    Aidan was smiling in the morning, the first true smile Ray had seen since they began walking through the swamp. He looked refreshed and ready for a new day. "I have a good feeling about today. We will find someone. I know we will!"
    Ray tried to smile back but he felt as if he had been running through the forest all night instead of sleeping.
    They were slow getting started. Aidan tried to hurry but Ray would not be rushed. His mind was foggy and he felt a hundred years old. Aidan fried mushrooms over the fire as Ray pulled the last laf of bread from his pack. It was already growing green mold. They toasted it over the fire as well and choked it down. It reminded Ray of his childhood meals in his dark kitchen. It reminded Aidan of death and decay
    Finally, they were off. They were soon tired and sweating. Houses were few and far between as they walked deeper into the swamp. Aidan's good mood was fading as they continued to walk and saw no one. Finally, in late afternoon, they came across another house. This one was relatively well kept. The shutters were straight and the roof still had ninety-five percent of its shingles on it. There was even a single ray of sunshine that pierced through the dense foliage and illuminated the slimy wooden door. That sunlight, though green and dim, was the most beautiful thing they had seen in days.
    They knocked and immediately heard footsteps. They smiled as the door opened and for the first time, someone smiled back. a small woman was on the other side of the door. Her pale face was clean and her worn clothing was neatly pressed and patched.
    "Come in, come in. It has been so long since I had any new visitors!" She brought them inside her house. It was very nearly beetle free and she had lamps burning in the corners to keep the darkness at bay.
    "My name is Ilda and please, make yourself at home." She pulled a loaf of bread from her oven, steaming and fresh. "Please help yourself. I put the kettle on. Would you like hot cocoa or tea?" Soon, Ray and Aidan were seated in her comfortable living room, sipping from steaming mugs and filling their stomachs with fragrant bread and butter.
    They chatted for a while.  Ray spoke of where he was from and Ilda mentioned that she had known his mother.  She was sorry to learn of her death.  finally, she asked where Aidan was from and their purpose for visiting her home.  Ray was sorry she had asked.  He feared the same rejection he had faced at every home up to this point.
    Aidan leaned forward and spoke.  “I do not come from the swamp.  I grew up in a meadow far from here, in the sunshine.  We have come to find those who would return to the light in which they were meant to live.”
    At that, the woman’s face lit up.  She stood, grabbed Aidan’s hands, pulled him to his feet and embraced him.  “I have been waiting for someone like you for so long.  Let me pack up some of my things.  We can leave as soon as I am ready.”
    Ray sat stunned as he watched a miracle unfold.  She grabbed another four fresh loaves, ran around the room grabbing up random objects and stuffing them into bags, all the while muttering frantically to herself.  Ray smiled and relaxed.  If there was one, there would soon be more.
    Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  Ilda dropped the sacks she was carrying and silently walked from the room to answer the door.  She was gone only a few seconds and then returned, face deathly pale and eyes empty and resigned.  She mutely began to return the items she had packed to their places.
    “What are you doing?  Don’t you want to return with us?”  Ray asked.
    “I can’t go back, He still knows about me.”   She woodenly wandered about the room, picking things up and setting them down.
    “Who knows about you?”  Aidan whispered.
    “The Eldest,” she moaned.  “He knows what I have done.  He knows you too.  As long as he knows me, I must stay in the dark.  I cannot return.”  Ilda’s voice trembled.  She turned and walked from the room.  “Please leave my home.”
    “No,” Ray said boldly.”  Not until you tell us how to find the Eldest.”
    “Keep walking into the darkness, but you won’t find him. . .He will find you.”  She disappeared into the cellar of her home.  The door locked behind her firmly.  They pounded on the door and yelled to no avail.  They could not speak with her anymore.
    Ray and Aidan left her home.  The swamp closed around, darker and stuffier after the light and warmth of Ilda’s home.  They kept walking the way they had before, stopping at every house, only to be met once again with closed doors and curses, shotguns and vicious dogs.
    Somewhere out in the free, air, the sun was setting gloriously, blazing in bright reds, oranges, yellows, pinks and purples and giving hope of light to come again after the briefness of night, but in the swamp, the darkness swallowed everything in its gaping maw, stalking every last vestige of night and tearing it to shreds, engulfing everything in shadow so the terror’s of night could crawl out from their nightmare holes.  Night fell so completely, it made one wonder if the day could ever fight its way back through again.
    Out of this darkness, a sepulchral voice spoke. “How dare you venture into my domain?”  Ray and Aidan both turned but the darkness was complete and they could see no one.
    “Do you not fear me?” A hollow raspy whisper came from their right.
    “Do you not fear my knowledge?”  A guttural grunt like the rubbing of dry bones sounded on their left.
    “For I know the darkness.”  A moaning sigh crept up from below.
    “I know the blackness in your soul.”  A booming shout surrounded and overwhelmed them.
    Ray and Aidan clasped hands in the darkness.  They huddled close together as the voice continued to speak.
    “Ray, I know you.  I knew your parents.  Now. . .what were their names?  I never remember the dead.  I only know it was all your fault.”
    “What?!!  No!” Ray shouted.  “My mother put the mushrooms on my father’s plate.  she ate the ones that killed her.  None of it was my fault.”
    “Don’t place your sins on the shoulders of the dead.  They can’t defend themselves.  We both know that you are the one who fed him his last meal.  If you hadn’t been telling him a story, both of you lost in your imaginations, you would have noticed what you were feeding him and his life could have been saved.  And we also both know that there was the tiniest thought within you that wanted to end his suffering.”
    Ray shook with his sobs, unable to speak as the terrible voice went on and on.
    “If you had convinced your mother she could be forgiven, she would have returned with you instead of taking her own life, but how could she return when she could see the unforgiveness in the eyes of her own son.  You caused her fear through your hatred and this hatred is what blackens your soul.  You think you have changed, that you can live in the light, but you belong to the dark and I will have you!”
    “No,” Ray wept.  “I tried my best.  It can’t be this way.”
    “Your best is never good enough.  No matter how much you want to return, you will always belong here with us.  The stench of the swamp clings to you like a second skin and your heart and mind are one with the ooze.  You will always be here.”
    “People can change,” Aidan shouted defiantly into the gloom.  “If people decide to forsake the darkness and live in the light, you cannot hold them here.  The darkness may seem strong and overwhelming, but the tiniest candle can stand out and beat back the darkness and be seen for miles.”  He put his arms around Ray and held him.
    “I don’t know you!” The Eldest spoke again and this time, there was a note of panic in his voice.  “You don’t belong here in the darkness, please leave.”
    “I will leave, but not alone.  Ray must come along and anyone else who would be set free.”  Aidan spoke firmly.
    “They can only go if they choose to go, but none of them will choose to follow you.  They know what they have done and they know where they belong. . .and who they belong to.”
    “We shall see.  Bring them here.  Bring them all here and we shall see who they choose to be.”  Aidan shouted and reached into his pocket, pulling out a single match.  He struck it and lit a small branch that was not as damp as the others.  The darkness and shadows instantly fled and for a moment, Ray and Aidan caught a glimpse of a hunched and wizened figure, shrouded in a rotting black cloak and hood, before he vanished into the swamp.
    Ray looked over at Aidan, who appeared much older in the bravely flickering light.  “What do we do now?”  He whispered.
    Aidan turned to look at him, grave determination burning in his face.  “We wait.”
    “How long?”
    “Until they come.”
    Ray and Aidan settled onto the soggy ground and they waited.  Aidan gathered more branches and built a fire.  It burned brighter and hotter than it had managed to do before, as if the despair so near the center of the darkness gave it new determination to be different.  They were warmed by its cheery light.
    For the first time, they felt comfortable talking.  They spoke about everything during that long night.  Ray told Aidan the stories his father had told him as a child and about every happy memory he could bring to mind.  There weren’t many, but enough to warm Ray’s heart. 
    Aidan told of his childhood in the beautiful meadow.  He told of long, clear nights when they didn’t go inside.  He and Emrys lay upon the grass, looking at the stars and telling stories until they both fell asleep, nothing between them and the expanse of the universe.  He told of discovering springs first flowers and the birth of all things new.  For the first time, Ray looked into the darkness and saw hope.
    Many long hours passed before their waiting came to fruition.  First, they heard murmurs from the darkness around them.  Then they saw the cringing shapes of frightened people, lurking at the edges of their ring of light, too terrified to move any closer.
    Aidan showed no fear but sat calmly on the ground, beaming with irrepressible joy.  Ray was paralyzed by fear.  The people who approached them were not the swamp people he was used to.  He came from the outskirts of the swamp where the people were only a little paler and soggier than the average person.  These people were those who made the deepest parts of their swamp their home.  They were deranged psychopaths and neurotic killers.  They lost their human identity and became the swamp.
    Their skin glowed in the dark, translucent and slimy and blind eyes were shut tight like the sightless fish, frogs and lizards that filled the murky pools around them.  Their clothes, if not entirely torn away, were tattered and falling to pieces, and their skin was coated in the foul reek of the swamp.
    These were not the people Ray had envisioned himself leading from the swamp.  They had been consumed and could not be recovered.  Even in the light they could not see and the stench could not be scrubbed from their skin.  Either they would flee the light to once again become citizens of the swamp or the purity of the light would consume them entirely.
    “This is a waste of time.  These are not my people.  Look what they have allowed themselves to become.  We should leave the swamp now, before they overcome us and we become just another casualty of the swamp.”
    Aidan looked at Ray, sorrow etched in every angle and shadow.  “These are the ones who need our help.  The people at the edge of the swamp hardly know they are in the dark.  They think they are doing pretty good.  They believe they can walk out at any time.  They don’t know that they too are wretched, poor, blind and naked.  These people that surround us, they know what they have become, and they know that something has to change.  They also know they cannot change alone and they can’t come to the light as they are and so they are willing to leave their pasts behind and surrender themselves completely to the light.”
    “But they are so ugly.  They are filthy and vile and they will spread their disgusting reek over the entire meadow.”
    “Were you ever any better?  And they will be made clean.”  Aidan stood tall and turned to address the crowd that had gathered in the gloom.  “It is time.  You have been trapped in this darkness and it has swallowed you alive, but it is time to leave all of this behind and return to a life without hiding in fear, time to be made clean and whole, to stand strong and lift your face to embrace the light of the sun.  Follow me and you will never have to hide again.”
    “But nothing changes.  They can change the way they look and act and where they live but they can’t change who they are.  They can wash their faces but they can’t scrub the darkness from their souls.”  A haunting voice spoke again from the dark.  They can change their clothes but they will still lack morality.  Their skin will burn and their blind eyes will never open.  In the end, they must return to me because they will always know that I still remember.”
    The pale, demented faces at the edge of the circle of light slowly began to fade into the gloom.
    “Wait!”  Aidan cried.  A few paused in quiet hope.   “I will take their place.”
    “You?  Take their place?”  The raspy voice sneered.  “How?”
    They will walk by me, one by one and place their hands on my shoulder and for everyone that does, you will no longer remember what they did, instead you will remember me for their sins.  Remember my face and my horrible deeds and let them be free forever.”
    There was a pause as the swamp held its breath.  “Alright.  So long as there is someone to take the blame.  It will be my pleasure to take you and your light and destroy it.”
    “Aidan stood silently for just a moment before replying, voice cracking and face pale.  “I am ready,” he whispered and his quiet voice shook the foundation of the swamp.
    One by one, they stepped forward with ruined faces and clawed hands., barely deserving the title of humanity.  One by one, they placed their filthy frozen hands on Aidan’s shoulder and in a single moment, their torment was removed.  They stood straight and tall, faces restored and the keen light of hope burning in their once-blinded eyes.  They were clean.
    Ray watched their transformation in awe, smiling, truly happy.  He looked at Aidan in joy and the smile died on his lips.
    Aidan too was transformed, but not to be better or brighter or more beautiful.  Rather, every single stain, deformity and handicap removed from the swamp people had been placed on Aidan.  His eyes were sealed shut and he hunched and slobbered, whining pitifully like an animal.
    “No!”  Ray cried, but it was too late.  Aidan was almost gone, nearly lost in the darkness.  Among the filthy, oozing sores that covered his face, Ray could still discern a trace of Aidan’s smile.  Aidan looked at him, a keen gaze piercing for a moment through the falling blindness.
    “You too,” he whispered.
    “No,” Ray sobbed.  “I know what’s in my heart.  There is blackness and decay as bad as what these people show on their faces.  I can’t give that to you.  You already bear so much.”
    “Ray,” Aidan rasped.  “This is why I came.”  Ray was torn.  He longed to be clean and whole but he could not bear the thought that his darkness would be borne by someone he loved..
    “This is a free gift Ray.  I am doing this for you.”
    Ray stepped forward.  He placed his hand firmly on Aidan’s shoulder and felt the burden lift.  The darkness rushed into Aidan’s face, obliterating the last vestige of humanity.  In the last instant before Aidan was swallowed up forever, he whispered two words.  “Three days.”
    Aidan stood up, horrible to behold and screaming, the voice of his torment shattering the stagnant air.  He began to stagger away, still caught in the grip of his anguish, not pausing to take a breath.  He stumbled into a patch of quicksand and slowly sank into the mire.  His terrifying cries were finally cut off and the dank waters closed over his head.  The vile creature was gone, and so was the boy Ray knew and loved.
    A booming laugh rattled the trees.  “You are free to go.  I have what I want.  He is mine to live in my memory forever.  Even his death will not rob me of his memory.”  And the oppressive presence was gone.
    Ray stood, watching the place his friend had disappeared, shocked by grief and eyes nearly blinded by tears, yet filled with joy by his freedom.  All his guilt was gone for good, yet he still wept because his freedom had been bought at such a terrible price.
    He turned and looked at the crowd behind him, also weeping in sorrow at Aidan’s death and elated at their transformation.  “We do not belong here anymore,”  Ray spoke, his voice choked by tears.  “We belong in the light forever now.  Follow me, I know the way.”  Silently, he walked in the direction of the light.  Behind him, as silently as he, they came, the ones who had been set free.
    They walked for hours, stopping only a few moments at a time to catch their breath before struggling onward.  They stopped for the night but many could not sleep and they began to walk again, long before dawn.  Hours stretched into days and still the slogged on through the muck.  Finally, on the third day of their freedom, the darkness began to truly lift and Ray knew they would soon be out.
    The air grew fresher and little flowers peeped out of the slimy moss.  The ground grew firmer and easier to walk on.  They walked faster as hope put fresh life into their feet.
    As they neared the edge of the swamp, Ray saw a small figure standing to greet them.  As they drew closer, he saw Aidan, the radiance of the light behind himmade it hard to see his face, but Ray knew it was him.
    Ray ran and all the swamp-dwellers ran with him.  They met Aidan at the very edge of the light.  He showed no signs of their evil, his face once again smooth and free of deformity.  He was clean and his smile lit up his face.
    “Now I will lead you out.”  He cried, the joy in his voice so great, Ray wanted to weep and laugh and never stop smiling.  “Follow me and be reborn.”  he turned and walked into the beautiful meadow.  They followed him into the bright midday sun.
    Emrys stood waiting for them and, as they drew close to him, they heard a loud cry from the forest, full of terror and rage.  “Lost, all of them lost!  All of my memories. . . Gone.  I can no longer remember him.”  There was a wail of lonely agony and then all was silent and still but for the joyous singing of birds.
    “Welcome,”  Emrys shouted.  “I am so glad you have come.  Your homes have been made ready.”
    Ray looked across the valley and saw small white houses gleaming in the sunshine.  Flowers grew everywhere and light glinted off windows and streams and beautiful stones and, after the darkness of the swamp, it was almost too much to look at.  And brightest of all was Aidan, still young but no longer a child.
    Ray turned to Aidan, confused.  “Why? How?”
    “I never belonged to the swamp, but always to the light, and so the darkness could not hold me.  I told you this was the reason I came.  I came to take your place in the darkness and then to break the chains that darkness holds.”
    “There are so many more that are still lost.  Will you come back and free them too.”
    “No I will not.  I will send you back into the darkness to bring them to me, but I myself will not return until it is time to banish the darkness completely.”
    “When will that be?”  Ray asked.
    “Soon,” Aidan smiled.  “Very soon.”
 

Author's Note

I feel the introduction is a little rough. Any suggestions for making it grab your attention a little more?

Reviews

[Lorelee Tate]

I agree with you about the introduction. Personally, I don't think the story even needs the introduction. It would work just as well without it. Now, for my other suggestions:

I noticed a lot of sentences throughout the story that were approximately the same length and structured in approximately the same way. This made the writing sound a little choppy to me as I was reading it. I especially noticed it earlier on in the story, though not at the very beginning. For example, this paragraph: "They were slow getting started. Aidan tried to hurry but Ray would not be rushed. His mind was foggy and he felt a hundred years old. Aidan fried mushrooms over the fire as Ray pulled the last laf of bread from his pack. It was already growing green mold. They toasted it over the fire as well and choked it down. It reminded Ray of his childhood meals in his dark kitchen. It reminded Aidan of death and decay." These are all structured pretty simply. I would suggest rewriting just enough of them to make it sound more natural.

There were a few places where the description was very vivid, but overall, I thought the descriptions to be a little simplified. I liked the part about the trees in the swamp, but I was disappointed that there wasn't any more of that. Everything else seemed very generalized-- darkness, muck, swamp. All of these things can be elaborated. With darkness, you did an excellent job of turning that into a feeling or a state of being as well as something that can be seen. But with the visual darkness, I thought there could have been just a little bit more.

I really liked all the symbolism here, but I did find the story itself to be a little preachy. I think delving deeper into Aidan's character might help that. When he offered to trade himself, I got where it was going, but I didn't think that there had been enough build-up for that within the context of the story. In other words, I didn't find what he did believable based on his previous actions. But I really did like the symbolism. Sort of like Aslan in Narnia. ;)

I do think this one was a better than FLEE DARK. As I said before, I also think this could very easily be turned into a novel. But, in the meantime, I hope this helps you out.

Lora

[Rowanna]

Thankyou for entering my contest Leah. I apologise for not reading the contest entries earlier but there have been other things on my mind.

[Twilight]

Well, it would be even better, if you linked the opening lines more strongly with "Flee Dark", perhaps? Clearly, this is a fine piece of writing! The imagery and descriptions, are both rather vivid. Furthermore, you seem to know, how to create a sense of foreboding or dread, in the reader's mind!

I could not see any way, in which this story is contrived or formulaic. Thankyou kindly, for entering this in my Contest! Great writing, Leah!

[Martina]

Wow! Very nice write, really enjoyed it!

[Aldora Sparrow]

Wow. Very nice write! I really liked the description and the story.
I agree, the opening is a little forced and the sentence structure could be tweaked a little.
Otherwise, I think this story is off to wind some contests! Keep writing!

[Rebecca Chamaillard]

I love the fact that you wrote more to this tale. I loved it the first time I read it, and really enjoyed this particular part. As once mentioned to me, be careful of typos - if it's going to be posted to be read, it's worth looking over for little gotchas. But, none made it difficult to read or make sense of. Ray and Aidan are wonderfully written and developed.

Please let me know if you write anymore to this tale!

[An owl on the moon]

Very intriguing work, vivid and perfect. Can't think of any way you would need to improve it! Masterful!

Craig