Ever Wonder

A Story by Leafy

A girl regrets the decision of taking her life, and she recounts her situation.

Ever wonder what it is like to die? What happens after? Where you go, and what you do while you’re there?

I know. I’ve experienced it. Death is easy, it’s the wandering that is hard. Wandering aimlessly through blank canvases, wondering too, that is hard. There is no heaven. No marshmallow clouds with people greeting you with arms wide open. There is just, emptiness. Every human emotion follows you into this emptiness. You experience sadness, loneliness, but eventually comes peace. Vague, I know. Death is not the exciting part of this though, neither is what comes after, the thrill is what would you do if you could change it? Forfeit death, and give yourself another chance. A cat with nine lives. Start from the beginning and relive it all, but where your story was supposed to end, you begin again. I’ll give you my version of what I would do. I’ve had a lot of time to think it through.

The story:
My name is Amy Loranger. I killed myself at seventeen. I guess you could say I was a troubled teen.I ’m sure you want to know my life from start to finish, but you won’t get that. I’ll give you the basics though.
I was a little baby. Blonde, blue eyed, resembled a praying mantis. From the get go it was a little rocky. No daddy. Poor me. I always fared well without one though. Mother was a drug addict, and she left not long after I could walk. My grandparents are who cares for me best. They were always there for me, old-fashioned, but knew how to care for me well. Everything was really easy up until I was twelve. I had my first boyfriend and everything seemed magical to me. We would get dropped off at the movies together, like little play dates, and we’d spend lots of time together in school. We were sheltered, catholic school kids, and my world fell apart around me when he broke up with me. I know what you’re thinking. “Oh she’s twelve, she’ll get over it.” “Plenty of fish in the sea.” wrong. When I was twelve that’s when I learned how to cut myself. From a tv show to be exact. Silly thing they do nowadays, they think they’re teaching children what not to do, when in fact they’re just showing us how to do it, and I did it well.
I guess ’ll tell you about my best friend, her name was Brianna. We were inseparable. We did everything together. Brianna always used to come with me to my beach house, every summer. We met boys and tanned and did all silly things girls love to do. I told her everything I’d never told anyone before. How my mom left, no dad, how insecure I was. She told me a lot in return too. How he mom’s a drunk, that her dad may not be her real dad, how alone she felt sometimes. We were so close. High school came along and we were more than ready to meet lots of new people and make friends. I was so happy for her when Brandon came along. I thought they’d be perfect, but after a while things got weird...She was obsessed and he wanted some a*s, which is exactly what he got. She slowly started pushing me away...I lost my composure, and kept asking why, and finally I got her response...
“I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. You’re not a good
friend and I have other people and I don’t need the bullshit I put up with from you.You’re not the kind of friend I need, and honestly you’re just annoying and I have better people in my life than to have to put up with you anymore. I’m done with all of this and that’s really it. We’re just not gonna be friends anymore. Brandon will be there for me, since you clearly don’t know how to be.”
He took her away from me, and things were never the same. She was snatched away by a monster. Sure, I cried for a while, losing my best friend, but I had Christopher. He was my sunshine, my everything, blah f*****g blah. Christopher and I met my freshman year. We became close and he chased me for a while before we finally got together. We soon became inseparable, he was my first everything. He took the place of Brianna and ended up being everywhere I was at all times.

Nothing could tear us apart, until something finally did.

I always said I would never lose myself to a man, no, boy, but I did. I’d always feared he’d cheat and he finally did. Ashlyn Saurman. Beautiful, thin, everything Christopher told me I was, but I clearly was not. He tore my heart out when he slept with her. What a slap in the face, but I guess I got the last laugh, because his life will never be the same now. He’ll always be the cheating boyfriend of the girl that killed herself. That’s what he gets to be now. Not valedictorian, not Mr. Captain, those titles were lost. I should have told him how much of a condescending, self-centered, jackass he was, but instead I took my life. I still hurt for him, though. I wish I could hold him and tell him I’m still here with him, that I can still walk with him and be with him. Give him some form of closure.
He’s a cheater though, why would I still love him? Answers I don’t have even now.. Even after death there’s still much that I can’t seem to answer.
Coming full circle I suppose I should go back to this so called “after life” in which I’m living in. It’s not like the storybooks, it’s dark and cold, and I can see everything. That couple underneath the bleachers? Yup, I can see ‘em. I can see that teacher approaching their way too. Dumbasses. I wish there was a heaven, I hate being stuck in this abyss, while all I can do is look at everyone live their lives. Happily, Sadly, so many emotions, but at least they’re living.. I wish I could take it back. I’d take everything back. I want to live my life to the fullest, but now I can’t. I did this to myself. I stole my own life from myself. I see the pain I’ve put my family through. How my grandmother cries herself to sleep at night. How I destroyed Christopher, Brianna, everyone with the note I left blaming them all...chicken scrawl out of quick anger
You’ve all done this to me. You took my life from me so
I took it from myself. I loved all of you, but you never
loved me back. Christopher, you stole everything
important from me. Brianna, you were never
there for me. You all destroyed me. You left me
to sit alone, stewing in my thoughts and never having
ANYONE to turn to and be able to tell them how I feel.
I’m not sorry for this.

But I am sorry. I wish I forgave them. I wish I told them it was okay, that it would be okay. I took a part of them with me when I took myself. I see Brianna cry in the depths of her bedroom from what I did. Knowing that I blame her and there’s nothing for her to do about it now. It lives with me in this hell, this wasteland of an after life. I see Christopher constantly looking over his shoulder, haunted by the idea that I’m gone.
I would take it all back....all of it...I would take it all back...
and with an abrupt jolt
I woke up.

But how? I’m dead. It took me a while to realize where I was, but when I did, I saw that I’d taken myself back to that fateful day, and everything became so clear.
Bright white lights consumed me. Intense pain like a demon being released from me. It’s like I was outside of my body, watching myself convulse, vomit, and convulse some more. A deadly mixture of beautiful pills. Brianna stood rubbing my grandmother’s back, I couldn’t believe she was there. No one can see me, but I’m there...watching myself slowly die. The steady beat of the heart monitor kept time with my beating heart. Frantically the white angels pumped me with their magic fluids to keep me alive. But before they could keep the dull
murmur they called a heartbeat going.
I flatlined.