The Tale of the Spider Who was Actually Satan

This is an actual account of why we, as human beings, accidentally signed something so we could look cool instead of love anybody. It is real and the names exist as they are in real life.

A Tale of Why We Are So Fucked"As a Species

Before the Baby Salty Jesus birthed us and we became our non-human selves---it is written that we had once been human. We were real live human beings that liked to kiss and tell and do the Holiest of the holies in front of the video. But that was before the spider incident which later conflates into the Satan incident which follows:

Once upon a time, in the middle of winter, one winter when we were really f*****g cold in our beds and wearing our see-through hot pink number without panties, somebody came to visit us in our rooms. It was the first night after the brand new white sheets and the first night of the spider who stared at us with his beady eyes on our bedspread"wherein we went"what the f**k?---why is that spider’s legs spread out like he is about to run the 100 yard dash and why do I feel like he is conscious and wants to talk to me about something quite important?

We were all ears.

(Spider’s name: Satan posing as the scariest spider whomever lived even if it should be whoever lived).

On this night of the spider, we looked again and there was a man, this man was Satan. (Later we think but don’t know that this spider might have been the way Satan the Lord of Darkness got into our room as a changeling or a body snatcher might).

Remember: Before this happened---We had known how to love one another without fear and we had understood that one text does not make or break any relationship of value and we had been unafraid to do what we liked because there was no fear to do the Happy.

But, what happened was we wanted to be cool, more than we wanted our hearts deepest desires and Satan knew that on some level when he came to us in the nighttime while we were fast asleep in our angelic poses in our beds without wrappers or crumbs but still in a cute outfit. On that night that Satan came, we opened up our beautiful orphan eyes and said to the Bad son of God because he was more competitive than Jesus and corrupted souls through deviant means:

 “Hi.”

Satan the Lord of Darkness had a little contract with him and he was charming and good looking (even better looking than our adorable bedmates who we had just stopped hugging to witness the aforementioned spider)

and Satan goes: “Hi.”

We felt our wholeness right then and there. We were no longer ordinary"we were visited by Satan and that fed our enormous but undeservedly so's ego.

It was terrifying how like a human Satan seemed and how handsome and how we hoped he would text us the next day. (We smoothed our hair in the face of it).

But we weren’t scared of new things at that point, we were still innocent with pure hearts.

What Satan said was hey, you seem cool and I’ve been watching how everyone else kind of looks to you as the model of cool and how you have a hard time with commitment and significant others, so I was thinking you might want to join a club:

The Club of Not Feeling or Caring and Impure Hearts but Look Cooler Than Everyone Else Club. 

We thought we might.

He made it sound so fancy.

So, Satan the Lord of Darkness made us sign a commitment to not feeling human emotions at the expense of our inbred coolness. So, we were like: “OK, what do we have to lose anyway, we are always trying to avoid feelings and stuff by eating too much or too little or buying shoes and obsessing on how to wear our hair in order to be neat and different.” But, really we just said, “OK.” (Because we want to be considered cool and like we aren’t overthinking this s**t).

And we signed.

The contract basically said, anyone who loves you from here on our will be seen as the enemy and Lo and Behold it motherfucking was.

After that our hearts were closed off. God and the Baby Salty Jesus were disturbed and kept sending us people who wanted to love us, but we only saw them as suspects in a larger scheme of our newfound paranoia of all things cute and adorable and we read into everything with the one thought: What can this person possibly want from me? Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear I'm Scared, Etc. (Only to be cured with copious amounts of anonymous sex and vast amounts of designer shoes for the girls or car stuff for the boys).

And that is how we became non-human and unable to love.

Please send $200 to Lisa Douglass at her PO Box

PO BOX 481076

Los Angeles, CA 90048

For this most important fact that is unchangeable and why we are all so fucked.

The end.

Author's Note

As much as I adore commentary and what you think of me, please feel free not to write me about your own ideas and how they are in conflict with mine and made you throw out all your underwear---that would really upset me.

Reviews

[bob, small b. aka invs]

interesting story. interesting style. it reads like one long stream of consciousness run-on sentence, even though it's not. i'm not sure if i could read a lot of your writing if it's all in this style, but you certainly have a unique written voice and a lot of talent. well done.

[Emily Rae]

this explains a lot...