Broken

I never thought I'd hate myself
I might regret most of what I do
And dislike certain aspects of my personality
But not once did I think
I would view a part of myself
As broken
Flawed, yes
Unlikeable, yes
But not something so glaringly irreparable
That I can't even be moved
To bring it to light
For fear of others
Seeing me as broken too
There's something pathetic about
Being pitied
Something that makes me want to
Scream and cry and yell
Until my voice turns sandpaper rough
And my eyes go desert dry
There's something about crying
That makes me feel weak
Something about
A physical display of emotion
That leaves me feeling vacuum empty
And it's that blackhole inside of me
That needs to be kept in the dark
I can't let it worry others
So I let it consume me instead
And with every breath I take
I can feel it growing stronger
Swelling within me
And I fear it's going to
Tear me apart from the
Inside out
Someday soon
It will burst forth from its cocoon
And demolish everything with
One beat of its powerful wings
But I can't let it touch them
Those I care about
Those I keep at bay
Because if it does I'll truly lose them
And then I'll be completely alone
Which is what I fear the most
Which is why I can't stand myself
Because being who I really am
Means I will end up alone
Because everyone I care about
Will end up with someone else
And I'll be alone
So why am I crying
If this is all hypothetical
Why am I letting this blackhole consume me
Why am I trying and failing to control it
Why am I covering up like I'm at a masquerade
Why would I do this to myself, to them
Because if they knew
How broken I was
They'd turn tail and run
Which is almost as bad as if they wanted to fix me
Because I am not a broken-down engine
I am not a cracked vase
And I am not theirs to fix
I am my own problem
And I will not be fixed
Because I am not broken
Just because I will never love anybody
Just because I will die without a spouse
Just because this blackhole tried to consume me
Tried to come out into the world
I am myself
And I am not broken