Dad Returns

 I woke up from a deep sleep. The sun shining in my eyes. I turned to Bethany 's side. But when I looked there I didn't see her. I opened my mouth worriedly and yelled, " BETHANY! ".

 There was no answer.  My heart pounded so hard that I felt like it would go through my chest. I was scared. I couldn't move. After a while, I could move so I ran to the door. I looked around for my mother. I yelled her name about twelve million times before I gave up. Then, I was mad at myself. Of course she was in the backyard watering the flowers. I ran to the back door but before I reached it a knock on the door stopped me. I zipped to the front door where the loud and heavy knock came from. I slowly opened it. My eyes widened and a wide smile came upon my face when I saw who it was. My dad was standing in front of me. I jumped with joy VERY excited and hugged him and held him so tight his breath was all I smelt. " Hi sweetheart! " My father said to me loudly as he put me back on the ground.

 I waved at him. He took off his army jacket that was very camo. He had a white shirt under his jacket. He lifted the jacket up and asked me to fetch a hanger so I did. I walked quickly to the closet full of hangers. Then, I returned with a hanger in my hand. I clutched to make sure it didn't fall. The reason I didn't want to fall was because if it dose a mouse might come scurrying across the floor. It did every time I did. When I handed it to him I let mo grip go loose. He hung up the jacket and put it in his room. When he entered the room I grabbed his arm and lead him to the kitchen table with my note and food on it. I pulled out a chair in front of the things I made for him. He pressed his hand on his cheek then touched my shoulder. He sat down quietly and took the napkin. He neatly set the napkin on his lap. He slowly grabbed a knife and cut the bagel in half. He ate one half then grabbed the fork and ate the beef. He instantly saw the note after he ate the beef. He picked it up quickly because he wanted to read it. But he suddenly stopped and slowly pulled it towards him. He read the note fast because he is a quick reader. He looked at me and hugged me and gave me thanks. All those few minutes I forgot about Bethany until dad asked, " Hey, where's Bethany ? "

 That is when I decided to tell him I couldn't find her.

Reviews

[A. H. Pinley]

The way it's written makes me wonder if your main character is having a dream. Where's the mother? Is Bethany with the mom? Tighten up the story telling a bit. Descriptions will help bring the scene alive. Keep at it!