i dont know what to name it

i've wanted to talk about this for so long but i never put an effort to do it until today this is one of the things that i personally really strugle with i didn't know what it was called back then before i used tiktok then i learned it's called [Daddy issuses]  i was a teen about 15 when i started to realize that the relationship i had with my father wasn't normal i thought everyone was like that i didnt know that there was something such as a friendship cause i've never had that at first i wasn't as affected by it then day by day it got worse and worse i used to stay up until everyone was asleep so that i could pray to god for my dad to love me my whole dream was just a hug a small one from him but no i never got it i have now realized the effect it have had one me i have such a low selfesteem i can't even imagine a guy genuinly loving me like it's just an imagination i can't and what i'm scared the most of is that how iam gonna get married like i can't i hate myself i hate the way that i look i can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disguasted how can a man love me when i cant even love myself when my dad can't how i'm gonna explain to him that i have so many traumas iam soo broken how in the world am i gonna explain to him why iam the way iam i'm hard to love cause i dont think i can be loved and im from middle east so not getting married is not an option .one of the things that i really strugle with is the fact that i've been sexually harrased so many times that i can't be touched i don't wanna be touched as much as love to be loved tobe huged yet i can't my body refuses it how am i gonna tell my parents thta i need therapy