I will keep a dog

When I am old and
you are gone
far away,
I will keep a dog,
to run
ahead of me,
to lead me
where to go,
to guide me
not to fall,
like you did when
I was young,
and life was long.

06.07.2007, 4:11 pm, Wed.

Author's Note

I am still trying to make this piece of writing sound better, especially on this phrase, "which it always runs ", please let me know if anyone of you has a better idea. Many thanks!

Many thanks for Nay's advice, I decidede to make this piece of work sound like this as above.

(29/03/2008) Many thanks for Nay's advice and encouragement again, I finally made this piece of work as above, the (second) orignal version was like this,

"When I am old and
you are gone
far away,
I will keep a dog,
to run
ahead of me,
to lead me
where to go,
and guide me
not to fall,
like you did when
I was young
life was long."

Reviews

[Artur]

you shouldn't change the words
once they were found, they shouldn't be changed
otherwise you will lose something

did you know it is one of your poems, I like the most

godbless Lau

[Nay]

I see you've been working with this piece! I like that you shortened your phrases, it does give each line more impact. Again, this is me applying my style of writing for your piece, but consider putting "to guide me" instead of "and guide me"; then it matches with the group of lines you have describing the dog's role. On the last two lines, maybe use "and", though I'm not sure if "When I was young and / life was long" or "When I was young / and life was long" would look better to the eye. These are small things, though--the piece is wonderful!

[Nay]

Maybe "watch it always run"?