Barrier

I wrote this many years ago and just happened upon it recently, but it's the most personal poem I've ever written :)

Externally the shell is beautiful,
but a monster stirs within.
No one can enter,
I am the only one that can leave,
and even when I do the terrible force
pulls me back to my bereavement.
If only the world were a watercolor painting,
blurring the details afraid to be shown.
I am the creature of the shell,
Existing but not really seen,
known but hidden.
Living with the continuous pressure
of their minds advancing into me,
pulling me farther from my goal.
I wish to be seen,
and at the same instant
hope to dwell in the comfort of stillness.
I struggle to slip away from the world
shattered by bright traumatic crimson.
My cry is not heard;
it is silent.
It is patient.
At times internal valor takes over
and I begin to climb from the prison,
but voices of the past and present
discourage me,
and the shell is once again
my fortress.
Just as swiftly as it came,
the confidence has evaporated.
I can feel the eyes of these outsiders
boring into me,
watching my struggle,
and again I feel ridiculous.
My prison is nothing to them.
All they see is that awful color of shame.
My bastion of stillness
separates me from them.
Fear is my weakness.
I don’t comprehend why the others are free
and I struggle through these primitive motions.
Escaping would seem an easy task
to anyone viewing my world,
and often it seems so simple
that I believe maybe this time
I will win the battle,
but the curse holds me back forever.
So I keep up this lonely fight for freedom concealed
in this beautiful shell of silence.

Reviews

[Mary E Green]

This is beautifully sad. Wonderful piece, I find myself rooting for you to break out of this fragile shell and I think a time will come when you are able b/c of your self-reflection, awareness & insight. We all have our shells or crosses to bear...no one is alone in that. Best....

[Lauren]

Thank you so much for the encouraging comment, Mary! :) I completely agree we all have our unique struggles.

[ChristianM]

I can relate to this. Growing up I was introverted, still am somewhat. The fear of being outside your comfort zone can sometimes be suffocating. I hope you found the courage to leave the shell behind. People don't understand how incredibly hard that can be for someone not used to putting themselves out there. Great poem. Made me remember my own struggles

[Lauren]

Thank you, Christian! So glad you can relate and understand the struggle. It's definitely much easier a barrier to escape from these days. Loved your feedback :)

[Buddhistboy73]

Wow....this is a great write, packed full of emotions....you write like me in some ways, so I can totally relate....depression/fear is endemic in today's competitive "I'm alright Jack" society....I wish and hope that you are out the other side now...:)
A truly heartfelt write....thanks for sharing...:)
BB

[Lauren]

Aw, thank you so much! :)