Plums-chapter one

Plums and other crops..introduction of characters...Adam the main lead- Macy the young 5yr old daughter -Mr.Carrey the farm foreman-John the blacksmith...

PLUMS-UP ONION 

 

It’s starkly cooler in the hall as I pass the same corner thinking the same thoughts and completing the same idea, feet walking the same footpath as remembered .

Doing by wrote memory , plotting and putting it on hold again the planning of the production of the shovels ,instead of having to relearn it by trial each time. Working in my mind on production parts for the making and repair, of said- same shovels. Which townships would produce the fastest turnover of shovels and in turn faster sales? ... now feeling that ..."déjà vu" remembrance of planning this out in my mind many, many years before.

 Surreally experiencing the walk thru the veranda, while all the time stepping gingerly over the invited guests sleeping on the cooler porch…in the wee dawn hours before the days began barking up the dawn.

Plum picking; now dominating the all of My existence, my stomach especially… for the memories of the eating of the ripe fruit and the canned preserves and fruit in winter .Grabbing a wicker basket in both hands and heading across the green lawn where the eighty plum trees have blossomed and made fruit ; seeing in the distance and peeking from behind a blanch white tree trunk; a little daughter from my first wife...Macy being her name.

I place my head behind the trunk and pop out. With the setting moon in my shadow and face appearing blackly silhouetted, I startle her and she giggles in retort...racing thru the trunks and peek-a-booing at each one…I scoop her up and she squeals echoing “Pick Me up”…as I scoop her up in one arm and the baskets in the other ..We begin our annual routine of picking the fruit from the ground and she bringing me baskets in turn to fill…and stack.

I begin assigning the others, the older ones, to begin picking and cleaning and washing and paring of the canning fruits...simmering in the fructose syrup and sanitizing of the jars and lids for canning. A group process we did around this time each year and in good fellowship for the communal way of “outback” living, this being our habits and the process we are all familiar with.I look beyond the first few fruitless trees to the face of the orchard foreman sayin’”'G'day mate  ”…I seeing his down cast look and agitation .I ponder but ask ”Any problems Mr .Carrey”...and He raising his hand to shade his brow replies “No”.Simply, flatly almost dumbly,his answer seems to hang ripening in the thick air between us.

He begins to close the distance between us seemly gesturing with his chin to the firehouse immediately to our left.

Now seeing where his attention lies ,I begin to process the situation and the feelings of Mr. Carrey and of our Forge-Master John and the antagonism brewing and rising between them…Mr. Carrey on the one part needing the hands to all be busy and John feeling out of his profession and needing to contribute; I step in and say ”John go start the forge fires for the burning coals and fire them hot and Mr. Carrey lets walk the carrots and vegetable beds for those to garner and those to retain and those to burn and replant…what say you?”

Mr. Carey began very quickly explaining in his native language where exactly the peaches will fit after most of the squash and celery is replanted or consumed. He glances at Me and ponders my instructions to John and thinks better of questioning them and my ability to ascertain the conflict among these two.

John fires the bricks from the earth in the forge for our home. Additions or repairs and the many cook ovens we have on the farmstead and as our Blacksmith he runs one part of the farm loosely leveled in ability according to the needs and the seasons. Today John heats the coals to burn the earth and start the fresh beds for the vegetables…later he will manufacture the aforementioned shovels and their production will be his focus again.

 

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

Okay. I think the first thing that strikes me as I read through this is the dizzying free fall of words that tumble down on top of me...it's almost as if the narrator wants to get it all out in one breath. I felt rushed through the really interesting thought processes of the protagonist on which I would have liked to have lingered a bit...

The second thing that really struck me was the dialogue. When characters have conversations with one another it is good form to give them each their own paragraph. This not only helps to show which character is speaking, it also slows down the process so the reader can digest what's been said, and how it moves the story along. If you have some jumbled bit of prose with some dialogue thrown in and later on in the story some of what was said in that dialogue proves to be germane to the plot (which it should...good dialogue should always move the plot forward and, when possible and applicable, act as a foreshadowing agent) it's no good if the reader can't remember how ominous or telling--or whatever other emotion you're trying to convey--the words were because they were lost in a sea of exposition.

Lastly, and I think you'll like this bit ;-) I honestly believe you have some great bones within this story. If you just step back and look and listen to what the story is that wants to be told...you can tell it in the best way possible, one in which the reader will be glad to have read. Slow down. Take a breath. Flesh out the scenes with some descriptive prose. Don't go crazy and describe every last leaf on the tree, but give us some indication as to what the tree looks like.

I'll read more in a bit. Hope I helped some. Thank you so much for introducing me to this story. I appreciate your sharing it with me.

-kimmer

[Larry Dyson]

thanx kimmers ..excactly what I was reading in retrospect...it needed so much ...perhaps if you read the last chapter you may see where it needs more time...thanx again..Laury

[KAOlmsted]

my pleasure, and I will read it all.

[Larry Dyson]

hi Kimmers, please re-read this one again and see if I'm making more sense and fogging out my ideas a bit clearer?

thanx

[KAOlmsted]

It still feels a bit rushed to me. Especially the bit about Macy. It's like you have wandered into a flashback memory for just a split second, which should require more exploration, and then you introduce a child...yet you don't. She's basically just a distraction at this point, because her presence is all but forgotten in the next paragraphs. Also, I wonder why you capitalize the pronoun "me; my"...in the same vein, you need not capitalize "starkly" either. But you know what? I still think it's a pretty good opener, and, like I said, I will read more as time allows. I'm quite interested to see where you're taking us with this story. Back again soon, kimmer.

[Larry Dyson]

THANX...and i was trying for the "just a distraction " aspect in her introduction..will do a whole chapter on her later...just introducing it all too fast I gues...more fleshing out needed..

[KAOlmsted]

It goes that way sometimes...as the creator of the work, you know exactly what's going on, but as readers, we are relying on you to take us there. Like I said...slow down and enjoy the process, and I guarantee we readers will enjoy it, too. I really am getting to the rest ;-) I promise. I have a pretty full plate, but rest assured, you are on it.

[Larry Dyson]

thanx kimmer

[KAOlmsted]

My pleasure...

[DeevaMarx]

I really like the writing style (once I got into it). On the one hand it's hard to input the authenticity of 'Australia' in your writing because I am still sorting out what is part of the future. I'm sure as a read on it will become clearer. I'm gathering it's futuristic but they have somewhat gone back in time with their social settings etc? What I can tell you about this...

It's 'G'day mate - not however you put it. lol and if you want it to have that Australian feel maybe some more information about the sounds and smells in the introduction. Like I said, need to read more. Maybe you have done that!!

Feel free to ask me about any aussie slogans you might want to use!

[Larry Dyson]

have you ever watched the show "Fire fly"?

[cartera]

The writing style is different, but in the context, characters, relationships - and writing style - we have here what could another Cannery Row, inasmuchas we have been taken into, and behind a world that most of us know little about.
Let's read on.
ATB
Alex.

[Tina Kline]

Very interesting chapter and very captivating. For me it has the feel of a memoir to it.

[Ruth]

It is different for you :) I like it ...its more grounded I actually find...maybe just me :)
You have a great chapter here...I am loving this...looking forward to more..no faults for me to suggest improvements to! But then I find that with a lot of your work...always well delivered
xx

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

I love to can vegetables and fruits........adored this chapter

[J. J. Nightingale]

HI NEVA, JUST WANTED TO COMMENT ON YOUR PROFILE PHOTO .. WOW ! BEAUTIFUL !!

[Tate Morgan]

The depth of your story encompasses an entire world of intricacies. I find it woven like a tapestry and deigned written and created fine like silk.You are a grand story teller and I tell you this because it is a truth. I am from a line of storytellers of the race track I like that I can follow the story ,line yet be taken off on tangents of the surroundings without losing the main thought .You would have done well at the track and been a grand accompaniment to the rest o0f us who were at odds with life

[Morrigan Nicole]

Yes, DEFINATELY a classic feel to it. This reminds me of those old T.V. shows that I once watched, like Green Acres. Or those eight-inch thick books my mom reads about the old days, back when everything and everyone was innocent. The tone's very gentle and smooth like heated honey (excuse my comparison). It's a new style that i am not used to, but can easily adjust. I'm a fantasy person, but this is verry good... :)

-Morrigan

[Audrey Howitt]

It does have that great American novel feel I think---expansive maybe

[Larry Dyson]

have chapter three up now...expect to flesh out much of the story line when chapters are finished...please let Me know what you think....a new type and genre for Me...