Chapter Two

Chapter Two

 

Two hours and three bottles of wine later Noah was passed out on the sofa. He went out like a light when he’d been drinking, only to awaken the next morning fresh as a daisy and unable to remember the previous night.

Elizabeth took a soft-looking throw rug off the back of an old chair and laid it over him. His eyes had rolled back in his skull. She perched carefully next to him and tilted his head gently to one side, just to be safe.

She heard a match striking in the kitchen. Standing up to walk over, her feet making soft patting sounds on the bare floorboards, she shivered. There was a chill draught running through the room. Leo was leant against the kitchen counter, smoking. Elizabeth stood opposite him, leaning against the oven, and let out a long sigh.

“Coffee?” asked Leo.

“Yes, please.” Elizabeth nodded.

Leo went about boiling the kettle and taking mugs out of cupboards. Elizabeth’s teeth chattered and she wrapped her arms around herself.

“Cold?”

She nodded.

“Go and get the throw if you like.”

“No, I put it over Noah, he’s asleep.”

Leo glanced through the doorway. “Well that’s one way of putting it. He’s dead to the world, I’m sure he won’t mind if you take it.”

“He might be cold when he wakes up,” the corners of her mouth twitched.

“Ah,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “But doesn’t that go against your whole ‘yourself before others’ mindset?”

“That’s different,” she answered without hesitation. “It’s Noah. Without him I wouldn’t even have that mindset.”

Leo smiled. “No offence intended, but you do realise you’re completely undermining yourself? What you’re saying doesn’t add up. You do know that, don’t you?”

She studied him for a minute, waiting for him to falter. He didn’t. “What do you mean?”

“I mean- Noah’s whole yourself-before-others... thing... you don’t really buy into it, do you?”

It didn’t make sense. She wondered if he might be joking but he looked deadly serious. “Sorry, what do you mean, ‘Noah’s thing’? In case you hadn’t forgotten it was your idea first.”

“No it wasn’t.” Leo looked pained. The kettle started to whistle and he poured boiling water into the coffee

mugs.

“But… Noah said without you he wouldn’t think the way he does.”

“Now that much is true. Did I influence him, yes, apparently, but by no means are the things he tells you my ideas. Can I please just make that much clear.”

“Ok, sorry, I don’t think I’m following this. Explain?” Her brow was furrowed as if she’d just been asked to solve a difficult equation.

Leo stirred each cup in turn and exhaled slowly . “Look, Lizzie-”

“Elizabeth.”

“Sorry. I’m going to tell you something now, partly because you seem like an intelligent girl, partly because I trust you to have enough common sense to be discreet and not relay this to Noah, and partly because I’ve had just about enough wine to make it seem like a good idea.”

Elizabeth looked reproachful but nodded. She wanted to hear this.

“The things Noah claims I ‘taught’ him… Look. I came to Creswick Academy to give a talk on The Outsider, that much is true. And yes I spent a lot of time discussing free will and individual morality and yes, I admit I did argue the case for it.”

“So what’s your point?”

“My point is, what does any of that have to do with ‘putting yourself first’ and ‘living life on the edge’ and all the other things he’s preaching all the time?”

“Well… it all relates…”

“No it doesn’t. He took some basic concepts and just ran too far with them, that’s all. Because they made him feel important and gave him a excuse to be self-centred. Come on Elizabeth, all he’s done is strung together some hackneyed ideas and acted like they’re new and radical, don‘t tell me you hadn’t noticed. I wouldn’t mind if he wouldn’t insist so rabidly that it was all my idea, I mean, frankly, it’s a little embarrassing. And the way he goes around trying to ‘convert’ people, that’s even worse.”

“He’s trying to help them.”

“Help them to what?”

“To stop living empty lives driven by pointless things.”

Leo looked physically distressed. “What does that even mean? Listen to yourself, you’re just spurting aphorisms. What would you class as a pointless thing anyway?”

“Religion. Consumerism.”

“And what, exactly, is wrong with religion and consumerism?”

“They trap you with false hope. People deserve to be liberated from those lifestyles. We’re living in a world without a purpose, there’s not enough time to waste on-”

“Look, right there, you’re contradicting yourself already!”

“How?”

“First you’re saying these ways of life are pointless, then you’re saying that all things are pointless. Surely if all things are pointless it doesn‘t matter? Listen to yourself Elizabeth! He’s brainwashed you, it’s a real shame.”

“He hasn’t! All we’re trying to do is-”

He cut her off mid-sentence. “See, this is what I mean, again. We. Why not just you? Why do you have to be his spokesperson? Are you completely incapable of forming your own ideas?”

Elizabeth couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The mild-mannered, middle-aged bookworm she had met only a few hours before had now disappeared completely.

“No. We just have the same ideas.” she said quietly.

“No, no you don’t, you just think you do.” Leo lit another cigarette and walked over to the other side of the room, kneading his temples with his free hand.

“I’ve always thought like this.”

“Really? Or did you not know quite what you thought, and were relieved when you didn’t have to think about it any more, hmm?”

Tears began to well in her eyes but she made sure she stood her ground. “Are you saying that I’m so weak I just took the first opportunity that presented itself to me?”

“No, no, not at all… It’s just Noah, he’s… people like Noah thrive on people who are looking for something more in their lives. There’s almost a cultish feeling to it and I don’t like that. He’s not a bad person, far from it, he considers himself to be improving things… but at the same time it’s boosting his ego, and that’s not good.”

“Why haven’t you said all this to him if you feel so strongly about it?”

Leo thought for a moment. “Do you remember at school there was always one kid who worshipped you, they took everything you said far too seriously, and they became totally enamoured with every half-arsed idea you voiced in their presence? You know the type I mean, right?”

She knew. “Yeah.”

He continued. “Well, did you ever feel the need to tell them that every word you said wasn’t holy scripture?”

“Well… no.”

“There you go then. You can appreciate my position.” Taking a long drag on his cigarette he tipped his head back and blew the smoke out slowly. “Sometimes there just really is no need at all for people to know things like that. Ok?” He looked her in the eye. “Ok, Elizabeth?”

“Leo, why are you doing this to me?”

“Because it physically pains me when I see people thinking with other people’s brains and not their own. You, especially, you’ve got too much potential to squander.”

“Stick to your own guns and let me think for myself then, alright? You’re a nice guy, and I appreciate what you’re trying to say, but I don’t need this, and I don’t want this, and you’ve got me all wrong.”

His mouth twisted into a strange smile. “Now you’re knocking down the garden walls.”

“What?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. Right. Ok. Fine, I’m sorry, I’ve had too much to drink.”

“Yeah, ok.”

A kind of dirty tension hung in the air, a residue of the argument that lingered after their voices had stopped. The feeling was familiar to Elizabeth but she couldn’t quite place it. Leo shrugged and walked out of the room. The coffee was still steaming, untouched during their row. She grabbed a half-full bottle of pinot grigio off the kitchen counter and knocked it back like water, swigging at it until the last drop was drained. Here eyes were stinging. She always thought she’d know exactly what to say when put on the spot, she thought that Noah had taught her well enough. But she hadn’t been able to articulate her thoughts, the words stuck in her throat like treacle.

She cursed herself silently, wished she’d delivered her arguments coolly and calmly instead of having a defensive tantrum. She debated with herself whether or not she should tell Noah about the encounter, but she couldn’t see what doing so would achieve. Perhaps Leo would think differently when he had sobered up anyway. But aside from all that, right at the very bottom of her stomach, there was a nagging feeling she couldn’t quite (or more likely, didn’t want to) focus on. For as much as she didn’t want to admit it, even to herself, some of what Leo said had made sense. Not all of it. Her heart still had faith in Noah but it was true- much of what he said was inconsistent, that she couldn’t deny. But, she reasoned, no-one and nothing is entirely perfect. Noah had taught her that, and that, at least, she trusted. She felt a little settled.

Shoes clunked through the main room and she turned around. Leo came in and placed a blanket around her shoulders.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t been the best of hosts tonight. I’m going to bed. Sleep wherever you like, help yourself to anything. I’ll see you in the morning.” He left without making eye contact once.

When she heard the click of his bedroom door closing Elizabeth stood up and tiptoed slowly up to Noah, still sleeping like a log. She considered spending the night on one of the soft, low armchairs but instead decided to climb onto the sofa next to Noah. Manoeuvring herself into place she managed to get into a quasi-comfortable sleeping position. Despite his lack of consciousness she leant over to kiss him goodnight and, leaning her head against his shoulder, eventually she fell asleep.