PLAY DEAF

From my Character Diary

See, hear, prick my finger on danger

And go still

Thinking

They come and talk to me like I'm mad

Not the fatal kind of mad

The kind that can be cajoled away, shooed away

A stray-puppy madness

When really, I balance my head rather steadily

Even with the chaotic entity that enthralled her

That made her gift me with a shove down a flight of stairs

That catalyst for erratic behaviour

Even when that is what is in my bed

My head does not roll off my neck

Oh, it's been elsewhere

In the bathroom mirror, the folds of the shower curtain

But those have only been maybes

This here is certain as the scar on my temple

Unless I have been overconfident regarding my sanity

There is a very real voice in my ear

We must proceed carefully this time around

This time around

Presupposing that there have been other times around

Round and round

But is it not nothing to me if I don't remember it?

Do you want me to come out properly?

Come out of where, come out of what?

Two choices here

Close my eyes and play deaf

Or-

We can do whatever you want

Politeness, solicitude, is all very well

But when it is disembodied-

Say something

No, play deaf

While it plays the gentleman

She, the author of my tumble down the stairs

She said it was how he handled people

He, it, as you like it

Handled her with that coaxing politeness

Tell me what you want

'I don't want anything.'

My voice sounds thin and tight

It sounds like nothing

It should have just stayed inside

You must want something. Else why are you here?

On it goes

Our mutual friend told me you like to be alone

As if I didn't know

You can enjoy your solitude even while I am here

Isn't that nice?

Hands on my neck, fingers in my hair

Anything could be happening, within and beyond imagining

To speak or not to speak

Could turn out to be worse than a stupid idea.

Nevertheless my voice ventures out

'You are the one who wants something.'

An accusation.

He is only mildly offended. I think.

I don't want much. Only to be.