Dracula Sucks

A young vampire who idolizes Dracula is disappointed when he finally meets him.

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. LAS VEGAS – NIGHT

 

The city glows within a prism of external lights in the desert night.

 

MUSIC: An eerie violin tune plays in the b.g.

 

                      NEWMAN (V.O.)

            I only have one desire… well,

            other than to always drink

            human blood. I want to be

            like Dracula, the supreme

            vampire. Respected by all

            vampires, feared by all humans,

            and admired by close friends.

            Someone with wise judgment of

            all things. A true role model!

 

EXT. DRACULA’S CASTLE – NIGHT

 

A BOLT OF LIGHTNING

 

A CRACK OF THUNDER

 

On a distant rainy hill sits Count Dracula’s old castle,

somewhat worn and torn from time and weather.

 

As we MOVE SLOWLY CLOSER to the castle. It is completely dark, except for two rooms – lit only by candles on the walls.

 

INT. MAIN ROOM DRACULA’S CASTLE – NIGHT

 

Half a dozen large bats fly and swoop around under the fifty foot ceiling.

 

A large grandfather clock loudly begins to chime the midnight hour.

 

Vampires dressed in outdated clothes of many countries, talk and laugh as they drink blood from goblets. While vampire maids furnish refills from goatskin bags.

 

 A vampire sitting at one of several large tables smacks a maid on the rear, holds up his goblet for her to fill. 

 

Another vampire chases one of the maids around the room as she laughingly runs. At a smaller table in front of a huge fireplace; three vampires talk, on ones lap sits a sexy vampire wench guzzling blood from a goatskin bag.

 

INT. CASTLE MEETING HALL – NIGHT

 

Large banners with coats of armor hang from the ceiling.

 

In front of another large fireplace is a long table with high-backed chairs. At one end sits DRACULA (ala Bela Lugosi) cape and all. He slowly looks around at the vampires filling the other chairs. 

 

They wear clothes of royalty from past centuries of assorted countries; their talk and laughter fills the room, as they drink from their goblets.

 

Another vampire maid walks around with a goatskin bag, refilling drinks.

 

A strong looking vampire with a beard, and a scar on his forehead; wears German clothes of Royalty from 1600, pounds his metal goblet on the table loudly.

 

                      GERMAN

            Achtung! Achtung! Allow

            me to speak! I want to say

            that only Count Dracula could

            set up as great a convention

            as this. He is one of a kind.

 

The maid fills his goblet; as Dracula nods his head slowly, gesturing with his hand toward the German.

 

Another vampire, wearing clothes of royalty from 1500 France, stands, looks toward Dracula.

 

                      FRENCHMAN

            Dracula is nothing short of

            magnifique’ We shall never have

            ze host better than Dracula.

 

He sits; again the head vampire nods.

Another vampire, with English clothes of royalty from 1700 stands.

 

                      ENGLISHMAN

            Here here! This is the fifth

            year in a row for this convention.

            And somehow, Dracula always manages

            to exceed the year before. I say

            we all stand and drink a toast to

            the greatest vampire of all time.

 

Everyone but Dracula stands; a Scotsman in old Scottish

royalty garb holds his glass high.

 

                      SCOTSMAN

            Hoot mon! Tis not a finer

            vampire than Dracula. We

            toast ye Count!

 

They all hold their goblets toward Dracula, he raises his toward them.

 

                      ALL TOGETHER

            To Dracula!

 

They drink, sit down.

 

Dracula stands, looks around the table.

 

                      DRACULA

            My friends, it is a pleasure

            for me to be able to have you

            join me each year. I don’t

            know why I didn’t start doing

            this a thousand years ago.

 

Holds his goblet toward them.

 

                      DRACULA (CONT’D)

            May you all one day be as

            great as myself.

 

They all drink.

   

INT. DRACULA’S CASTLE TRANSYLVANIA – NIGHT

 

GRAGORE, in ragged serf’s clothes, fairly short, a bit pudgy, with unruly hair and big eyebrows; tumbles violently down a partial winding staircase, lands against a large wood door. 

 

A large bat swoops down and hovers, turns into Dracula. He stares down with dangerous looking eyes at the servant cowering against the door.

 

                      DRACULA

            Insolence could cost you your

            life! And why do you cower?

            The only time I treated you badly,

            was when I peed in your gruel!

            It was a joke, get over it!

 

                      GRAGORE

            Yes master, it won’t happen again!

 

INT. FOREST – NIGHT

 

Clouds drift before a full moon, a WOLF HOWLS.

An owl sits on a branch, turns its head side to side. A large bat flies into view, hovers over a clearing (beat) turns into Dracula.

 

He walks to a log and kicks it, then sits. Beats the top of his legs with his fists; putting his elbows on his legs, leans forward sinking his face into his hands.

 

Out of the bushes rushes a woman in gypsy skirt and blouse; carries a small pig under one arm, in the other hand a pistol. Dracula raises his head and watches her run past. She stops, looks back the way she came. 

 

From the bushes runs WOLFMAN; shirt half torn off, pants ripped at the seams. She fires her pistol at him and runs away. Wolfman grabs his leg, looks up at the moon and HOWLS… 

 

Dracula stands; they notice each other, stare into each others face…

 

                     DRACULA

            Looks like a great night

            for wolves!

 

                      WOLFMAN

            I don’t need any sarcastic remarks!

            Besides, I don’t see any blood

            stains on your shirt.

 

Dracula sits back down.

 

                      DRACULA

            Wolfman, I am at wit’s end!

            I’ve made a big mistake! 

            For the last five years I’ve

            held vampire conventions at

            my castle. But with all these

            vampires coming, they have

            depleted the population in

            this area.

 

Wolfman walks over, sits next to Dracula.

 

                      DRACULA (CONT’D)

            Now there is a shortage of

            victims for me.

 

He slaps an encouraging hand on Dracula’s knee.

 

                      WOLFMAN

            I know what you mean. The

            Gypsies even have silver

            bullets. Look at the wound

            that girl gave me.

 

Shows Dracula his leg wound.

 

                      WOLFMAN (CONT’D)

            Lucky for me she was to scared

            to shoot straight.

 

Dracula shields his eyes from the wound.

 

                       DRACULA

            I do not want to look at

            blood, unless I can drink it!

            I remember when fresh warm

            bodies were abundant. Now!

            Nothing! My servant is even

            beginning to look delicious.

 

                      WOLFMAN

            It’s a cruel world, Count!

 

                      DRACULA

            I would even like some elderly

            folk for a meal. After all,

            killing them is an art form.

 

Wolfman cringes at the thought.

 

                      WOLFMAN

            Killing the old folk? Man,

            that’s nasty. How do you

            sleep at night?

 

Dracula smacks him on the arm.

 

                      DRACULA

            I don’t sleep at night, dumb a*s!

 

EXT. ANOTHER OLD CASTLE – NIGHT

 

RAIN – LIGHTNING – THUNDER

 

Flashes of electricity from the laboratory window.

 

INT. CASTLE LABORATORY – NIGHT

 

Music and the singing of a strong-voiced German wafts through the air from a Victrola.

 

PROFESSOR GLEEK – short, with a receding gray Afro –

sports checkered pants, bunny slippers and a white lab coat as he pulls a lever on the wall – stopping the flow of electricity to the roomful of exotic looking equipment.  

 

Walking to a table where a brain in a jar full of liquid sits – he examines a pair of electrodes attached to the container.

 

The needle of the old Victrola next to the jar begins to scratch as the song ends – he takes the needle off the record – pats the jar with one hand as he looks at the brain. 

 

                      GLEEK

            Finally! A good one! Now

            to find a body. Dr Frankenstein

            will see he’s not the only one

            who can make life.

 

                      DRACULA (O.S.)

            The hell with that drunken

            b*****d Frankenstein. What

            about me?

 

Gleek turns, see Dracula sitting on a stool, cowering as

if in pain.

 

                      GLEEK

            Forgive me, I get carried away at

            times. Like when I eat Fritos, or

            sniff gasoline. What was it you

            were saying?

 

He walks to another table; glass tubing swirls from one glass container to another, greenish brown liquid flows thru the tubes and drips into a pitcher. 

 

Dracula stands.

 

                      DRACULA

            I was saying, there is a shortage

            of human blood around here.

 

Suddenly, Dracula looks at the back of Gleek’s neck. Dracula’s eyes become glazed, his fangs come out.

 

Gleek turns, notices Dracula staring at him. Picks up a metal object, bangs it loudly on the table as he yells at Dracula!

 

                      GLEEK

            Dracula! Stop looking at

            me like that!

 

Dracula shakes his head, puts a hand to his forehead, looks at Gleek.

 

                      DRACULA

            Sorry, but I must have low iron,

            I’m becoming anemic.

 

Looks at the ceiling, snarls, shows fangs and YELLS

 

                      DRACULA (CONT’D)

            I must have human blood!

 

                      GLEEK

            Go to the fridge, there’s a

            quart of blood there. It was

            the wrong type for this brain.

 

Dracula goes to a fridge near a wall; takes out a quart of blood and guzzles, stops looks at Gleek, has a blood moustache. 

 

Gleek looks at Dracula.

 

                      GLEEK

            Drac… your uh lip.

 

Motions for Dracula to wipe his upper lip, Dracula wipes it with his hand.

 

                      DRACULA

            Thank you, you are a true

            friend.

 

Gleek turns back to the table; grabs a coffee cup, takes the pitcher from under the glass tubes, pours… turns to Dracula cup in hand, Dracula drinks more blood.

 

                      GLEEK

            Green tea, nothing like it.

            But back to your problem.

 

Dracula walks over, quart of blood in hand.

 

                      DRACULA

            What do you think I should

            do?

 

                      GLEEK

            I suggest you take a vacation

            to another country, where there’s

            more people. After you’re gone

            for awhile, they’ll start to get

            comfortable. Your return should be

            when the people have lost their guard.

 

                      DRACULA

            Leaving Transylvania is never

            my pleasure. But I’m Dracula!

            I will not be reduced to the

            blood of rats and little puppies.

            I dine on human blood!

 

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

interesting take on the vampire mythology. Dracula is well covered and can be a hard sell. Depends on how you spin it. Peace.