Chapter 1

I awoke to the sound of mom pounding on my bedroom door.

               “Jackie? Jackie hunny, this isn’t funny. You know you shouldn’t lock the door, Doctor Hently said it isn’t a healthy idea...”

               I sighed. I remembered that day in Doctor Hently’s office; it was the day after I was released from the hospital.

               “I think it would be best if you home school her for the rest of her junior year. Then after summer vacation, if you both think that you,” her eyes shifted towards me, and then my mom, then once again back at me, “are ready to attend public school again, she should try to do her senior year back at the high school.”

               Mom looked at me with that gentle smile that she likes to do when she agreed with the doctor and knew she was going to have a say in it no matter what I decided. If I said I wasn’t ready to go back, I know she would most likely force me to go back anyway.

               “I think that is a wonderful idea Doctor.” Of course mom, always take the doctors words, twist them into your own. Enjoy that freedom while you can, because I am NOT going to be around much longer for you to tease. “Don’t you agree, hunny?”

               Now was my turn to put on my fake smile. As I did so, I nodded and just went with it.

               ‘Whatever it takes for me to get out of this place’ I thought to myself.

               I definitely did not want to be here anymore. Psychiatrist’s offices are the last place that I want to be right now. Especially with because of the set up and the positions of all the different motivational pictures set up around the room in there picture frames like they were prize collections.

               The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

               Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

               Look beyond the horizon to a greater gift.

Then there is my personal favorite:

               Thoughts are written in pencil, they can be erased. Actions are written in pen, they’re here to stay, always leaving their mark.

               It made me laugh the first time I actually thought about it. I giggled at the fact of how I could take those words and twist them and mess with the actual meaning of the phrase.

               ‘You know, there are erasable pens.’

               ‘Well yes, but those will leave scars within the paper.’

‘Use white-out?’

‘You see, if you use white-out, it leaves bumps and grooves where the mistake was made. Either way, if you use pen, the mark is there permanently until the end of that paper’s time, or whatever it was that the pen was used to mark on to begin with.’

               Yeah, that’s me. Always taking something that should be positive, wonderful, and helpful even, and turning itself against it. It is just the way I think now a day. Everyone was used to it by now, even my mom and Doctor Hently.

Author's Note

larger image size:
http://larxene-93.deviantart.com/art/Pens-and-Pencil-276978129