Reminiscent DNA

Sometimes i long for a time that I've not known in this life. It's like an ache. I wrote this with a tune in my head so it has a lyrical feel to it.

What is it,
That we're lacking?
A backslide,
Through the tides.
Ancient winds
We should devise.
No home,
We're left to roam.
I'm unsure
But I've caught the Jones.
This time,
In my mind
I'm resolute to leave behind.
Goodbye, goodbye.
It's time to go.
Let's kill the lie.

Reviews

[Lost, n'MT]

The closest I can come to critiquing this would be that is went way too fast and left me wanting so much more before reaching the conclusion which was very potent. Perhaps this was by design, and it's always great to leave the reader wanting more, but I liked the concept of the lyrical element to this piece, and I love how you didn't provide any music; thus allowing the reader the freedom of choosing and imagining the music behind these words you've shared.

[LapseOfMind]

Yes, when I wrote this I was listening to some random song on Soundcloud that drove the pace of the words. Not one of my finest pieces but I had fun writing it. Thank you for taking the time to read and review this.

[Lost, n'MT]

Very nice, I've used to do similar except with some of my favorite songs or artists just for a spark of inspiration. It doesn't tend to work out when I go in with that mindset, but then I can hear a song out of the blue and than stop what I'm doing and just start writing. Well that was years ago, but I'm trying to get back on track. When you say random, is it safer to assume you have no recollection of which song it was? A song came to mind which I know it definitely wasn't, but I just find it interesting how one can take this lyrics with the music of a song and it it can just blend together so well in one's head even if it's way off base from what the writer is thinking. You're welcome, it's been quite the ride to read all of these.

[LapseOfMind]

Yeah, I can't remember what the song was and it literally came up randomly. I just clicked on a playlist that someone else made and listened.

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the honest tone and the strong ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[LapseOfMind]

Thank you very much

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[J3ssInJupit3r]

I feel the lyrical feel about it. I really again like how you don't stop at one pair of rhyming words, you keep it going and it flows and it still makes sense, it is not easy to do that a lot of the time. I really liked the line "a backslide through the tides" like i am falling backwards, and the tides are suffocating me, but somehow you put a strange sense of hope in there like even though this is happening, i will still prevail and I will not let this crush me. I loved it and I think you did a fantastic job. Thank you for sharing this with me.

[LapseOfMind]

Thank you very much and I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Take the words however feels best for you. Once I put them up, they're for you to interpret and take them as you will. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

[Celie Rose]

I enjoyed reading your poem. I liked the rhyme and the way it flowed. Nicely written...Keep writing.

[LapseOfMind]

Well thank you very much :)

[McBear]

This is really interesting.. Just make sure to use lowercase letters after commas. They're not periods. Not trying to be mean but, I have provided a fix for you. c:

What is it,
that we're lacking?
A backslide,
through the tides.
Ancient winds
we should devise.
No home,
we’re left to roam.
I am unsure,
but I've caught the Jones.
This time,
in my mind
I'm resolute to leave behind.
Goodbye, goodbye.
It's time to go.
Let us kill the lie.

[LapseOfMind]

To be quite honest, you're wrong. It's poetry. We devise it the way we feel because poetry is exactly that, what we feel. Would you tell a person who has their poem written without punctuation that they need it? A story, sure; make sure that punctuation is on point. With poetry though, there are no rules.

[McBear]

Hmm.. Well, I see what you are saying. It depends all on the person you ask, actually. Depending on the person, there can be rules. Maybe put in the desc: "Left out punctuation so you can read your own way" or something.

[LapseOfMind]

If it was some type of experimental story or something then i might explain but as its poetry i don't see the need. Punctuation is to express pauses as if when spoken aloud. The punctuation i used fits perfectly for what I wanted

[McBear]

"What I wanted" Thats all you had to say and I would have understood. Poetry is supposed to be the way you want.