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Sort of a journal entry of a character based on recent events in my life.

These cold, cracked leaves left over from last fall are the grimmest reminder. When these leaves fell, you were still holding my hand. When these leaves fell, we were falling in love. The most extraordinary thing.

Now, I walk this trail every single night, begging for you to be beside me again. Listening to the melancholy music that reminds me of how low I really am. This trail goes on for miles in the city and I walk it every single night. Pretending that you’re right behind me, chasing after me. That’s all I really ever wanted. The feeling that I’m good enough to chase after. The feeling that I’m still good enough. But, of course, when I turn around to a noise to see if it’s you, it’s only the leaves scraping the concrete.

Those leaves fool me every time. It’s like they are bringing back last fall. Taunting me, saying, “This is what it was like. This is what it was like to be truly in love and you let it go. You let it slip away.” I know I did. The siren song of the leaves on the concrete draw me in and sink me down to my bottomless heart.

Of course, we still talk. At least now we do. But, it’s not the same and never will be. I’m just outside of where I want to be. I want to be yours again. I want you to be mine again. I want our souls intertwined with each other again, but we both know that probably won’t happen. You move on so fast, it’s impossible to catch you and I end up being that hopeless romantic that I am and drive you farther away.

You told me on that late night drive back to Missouri that all of this pain, my pain and yours, stems from you not loving yourself. Why? This is where I become so lost and confused. You have no excuse to feel like that when you are such the beautiful soul, charming lover, and caring heart that you are. Be proud of yourself and show it. Humility is a good thing, sometimes. However, you take it to the extreme. Why do you feel like this? You constantly ask yourself that over and over to find an answer that doesn’t suffice. Become the person that you know you are.

These nerves of steel are almost broken. When you don’t talk to me anymore the way that we used to.

You opened the door and it was to my greatest surprise. You wanted me in. You actually wanted me to come in. Holy s**t. When I walked in, you plugged in the lights. That perfect lighting. You wanted me to stay there. Why didn’t you tell me?

Smoking a cigarette. I didn’t want to think about you. You walked by me: smiled and waved. I did the same. Did I do it out of common courtesy or do I still really f*****g feel something?

Why do I love you so much? I want to give up and move on so bad. What happened to us? But, I can’t give up. Something won’t let me and I think that something is you. Afraid to show your emotions because you think that it makes you weak. It’s the only thing that you have ever known. I’m not your parents.

I see you and I want to punch you in the jaw. Yet, I see you and my heart races uncontrollably. You are the most confusing, frustrating person to deal with. Yet, the most beautiful, loving soul. It’s impossible to weigh the pros and cons with you. It’s always a perfect balance.

Update:

You said you missed me. Missed talking to me. Where are your texts? You don’t miss me. You miss my company, miss the feeling that I give you. I’m not really the one that you want. You’re blinded by your instincts. I wish you could see me as I am. I’m not who you think I am.

My Scorpio is starting to come out. I don’t deny that. But, I don’t want to hurt you at all. No matter how much you hurt me. I don’t want to mean something to somebody else. I want to be everything to you. I want to be the light that you look up to when you’re down and need that extra motivation to keep pushing on. I only want you.