Confession

This is an honest look at an honest girl

Your best friend was my temporary relief. I could not date before he came along and deeply suspect that it was only because he reminded me of you. Sometime ago, I stopped waking in the morning to the sound of your name ringing in the hollows of my mind. I stopped daydreaming of how you and I will meet again; you ceased to seem like a reality that was not only plausible, but probable.

My confession is this:

 

   Lying next to him, after forcing myself to sit on him, grind him, and look at him – allowing myself to casually f**k him and believe it could mean more to me than a casual f**k – I could not sleep. My heart raced while he lay quietly beside me. Restless was my mind while I tossed and turned, and found his touch wrong. His body around my body did not fit. Side by side, we did not fit; Legs intertwined, we did not fit. Without purpose, my mind wandered - and while I realized everything I could not stand about him, I naturally thought of his opposite. I thought of his gnarly brown hair and replaced it with your dark and silky curls. I thought of his soft body as my cushion and replaced it with your hard body embracing  mine. His warmth became your warmth; and as quick as a light may flicker in the dark, without a single thought of caution or regret, my body relaxed, my mind relaxed, and my head fell heavily on his shoulder; my mind spoke only your name and I sighed. For that instant flicker, I was in love with the man next to me, masquerading in my devices as you.

   Realizing the utter treason my mind had just committed, I quickly withdrew my head from his foreign shoulder and walked out into the brisk night. There was not enough oxygen in the air for me to breathe while I cursed myself for betraying your best friend - I love you.

Reviews

[Gandré]

forbidden love is difficult to live; a forbidden desire becomes even more desirable......a never ending circle of lust, guilt and depression.