Not a great start

The Begining of The Begining

The day was not looking so bright.

Kaleb woke up this morning and found his mother passed out drunk on the couch, his brother nowhere to be found, and some girl sucking face with his sister in her room. She immediately slammed the door in his face. He then spent several minutes picking out clothes which he thought would put up a good front and walked into the bathroom-hurrying past the pit of flaw depicting and body dysphoria inducing mirror- and into the shower.

Then Simon arrived in his van to pick him up. He climbed in the back across from Max and Isabelle. Simon’s best friend and girlfriend, clary tossed him a muffin with a friendly grin. 

The next and final stop was a tad further. They drove out to the abandoned looking loft and honked repeatedly. Lauren came out less than a minute later, snarling at us. Lauren was a very particular person. She was unlike almost any girl he’d ever met. She always looked good but gave 0 s***s about it. It takes her 20 minutes tops to get ready in the morning and 15 of those are for showering. She was a b***h in that special way that wasn’t snobby, just grumpy and rude. Simon says she has no filter on her tongue. Isabelle says it gives her 67.928367 etc. percent chance of pissing someone off(or something like that). Max says it makes her special. (It definitely made her aggravating.) Lauren says they need to ‘stop f*****g analyzing her’. 

Clary doesn’t toss a muffin at her.

You don’t throw things at Lauren.

   

He got to school that morning and separated with my friends. 

“I’ll see you at lunch, Kaleb” Simon called to him as he strode down the hall.

Max and Isabelle didn’t bother to say goodbye, they just walked across the hall to their own locker, arguing about statistics or God knows what. They'd already lost the others along the way somewhere.

 Someone had painted my locker again, the word F*G sprayed across it with an obscene drawing of a penis. Kaleb sighed and spent the remaining minutes until class wiping it with his spit and jacket sleeve. 

It didn’t come off.

Author's Note

wAtch yoUR proFanIty

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re working hard on this, so because there are significant issues effecting the reader’s reaction to the approach to recording the story, I thought you’d want to know:

Basically, you’re writing this with the nonfiction writing skills we’re given in our schooldays. And since they’re meant to make reports and essays meaningful to the reader, trying to use them to write fiction results in what reads like a report: “This happened…that happened…and then…” And that makes it every bit as exciting as a report. More than that, you present it as a chronicle of events, as a diary entry, which is, a report. And while it might be fun to read the diary of someone you know well, that of a stranger you know nothing about? Not a lot of sales potential there.

You open with the protagonist waking, which is pretty much a guaranteed rejection. You follow that with 357 words, which places the reader on the third standard manuscript page. And what’s happened? Someone whose name we don’t know woke and went to school. How old is this person? Unknown. Where do they live? Unknown. What’s their gender? Uncertain. What was put on the locker implies male, but this person chose an “outfit,” not just what to wear, which implies a female. Something as simple as mentioning if the choices included a blouse or a shirt would have told the reader more about gender.

We read a report on several characters, who promptly vanish from the story. But reader want to form their opinion of the characters because of what they say and do, not via an info-dump of bio-data every time someone new appears.

Mom had been too drunk to get to her bed? Does that mean that the mom is an alcoholic? That she’s despondent about something? Does it mean that there’s no father or that Dad’s simply asleep? No way to tell because the protagonist is reporting, not living, and informs without reacting.

Her sister, of unknown age appears to have spent the night with someone and they’re just “groping” her? And after noticing, the narrator shows no response but to stand in place, not speaking, watching till they close the door? And I’m supposed to care about this person?

I should care, though. Unless you cause the reader to develop an emotional connection to the protagonist they won’t care if they live or die, or turn to the next page.

Bottom line: You’re reporting and explaining, exactly as we’re taught to do in our school days. But that’s nonfiction. The goal of all the reports you’ve written is to inform. But fiction’s goal is to entertain the reader by giving them an emotional experience. And in that, nonfiction writing techniques are useless, and ee graduate from our schooldays exactly as well prepared to write fiction as to pilot an airliner. But because no one told us that the writing skills we practice for twelve years are to make us useful to employers, we don’t go looking for the necessary skills for writing fiction.

So the problem is neither your fault nor a matter of talent and potential as a writer. And of more importance, it’s fixable. All you need to do is pick up the skills and tricks of writing fiction. Simple, right? Except…

We are talking about a profession for which the universities offer a four year major, so it’s not an overnight fix. It takes research, study, and practice. But that’s true for any profession, so it’s no big deal. Still, it is necessary. To give you an idea of how different writing fiction is from the kind of writing you’ve been taught, dig around among the writing articles in my blog. They’re meant to provide an overview of the issues for the hopeful writer. Then, hit the library’s Fiction-Writing section. It’s filled with what you need. For a gentle intro to the techniques, and why they’re necessary, you might pick up a personal copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict from any online bookseller.

For the best I’ve found, though it’s a bit more of a university-level book, you can’t do better than Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer—though James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing is a good second choice.

I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear, but it is what you need to know, and given that you're working hard on this, I thought it best to tell you.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Jovilious]

Thank you so much haha. I love actual reviews that tell me flaws about my writing. :))))

[Jovilious]

I'll work on it.

[Dr Joe]

This story blends the recognizable aspects of life we all know with the hidden hopes of better days to come.

It is exceptional.

You have real raw talent.

Keep writing.

[Shoshana]

I like how so many things are happening in this short part of the story. Do you know what I mean?
It's just so realistic. The different types of personalities that we got a glimpse of. And the ending of the paragraph... perfect touch.

[Shoshana]

This is very nice. I like where you are going with this so far. It's interesting. It seems to me that the mother is an alcoholic? And a girl groping the sister? Not sure I understand. Also, so many people came in at once... I know nothing of this main character. What's the gender, the age, the name, etc. And I am assuming that all the other people you brought in are the main characters friends? Their little friend group. Continue with this, I am intrigued!
-Shoshana

[Jovilious]

What don't you understand about a hormonal teenage girl

[Jovilious]

Am in middle of editing chapter right now.